Paul: Hello everyone again, and thanks for inviting us into your computer rooms on this cold December night! I’m Paul Franzen alongside Eric “guys, move back up the screen, I got stuck behind a wall again” Regan, and our matchup for tonight is a bit of a mismatch. Isn’t that right Eric?
Eric: Why yes it is Paul! Tonight the fearsome, gruesome ABOMINATION of a man Blanka takes on.. the cute little ape known as Diddy Kong.
Paul: Don’t count out the cute little ape though, ladies and gentlemen! Behind that warm and fuzzy exterior sits the mindset of a killer. After all, wouldn’t you be bitter if you were saddled in the title role of Diddy Kong Racing?
Eric: Oooh even Diddy is rolling his eyes at the one Paul! Just look at those menacing eyes of Diddy.. I mean look at them! They’re HUGE.. uuh er anyway.. there is the bell.. it’s GO TIME folks.
Paul: Diddy’s starting things off by rolling around in circles around Blanka. That’s an.. interesting strategy. I guess maybe he’s trying to make the green machine dizzy?
Eric: Perhaps Paul! But Blanka just seems to be standing there staring off into the distance. Diddy’s strange techniques don’t see to be having any effect at all just yet.
Paul: Looks like he’s giving up on that one — pity, I thought it might work. Diddy’s standing in front of the street fighter now, looking up at him from several feet below Blanka’s line of vision. What IS that guy staring at, anyway? The tiny ape is now jumping up and down furiously trying to get Blanka’s attention, but it just isn’t working. Any idea what’s going on here Eric?
Eric: Maybe he is longing for his Brazilian homeland?? I am not a mutant freak! Sorry I just dont know! Oh oh it looks like Diddy is finally getting too frustrated! He’s making his move!
Paul: And what a move it is! Diddy’s jumping into the air and straddling Blanka’s head with his legs! I think he’s going for a hurricanrana, Eric! But will he be able to topple the mutant freak?
Eric: Wait what’s that?! Blanka is GLOWING or something.. it’s all over him! Is that smoke coming off of Diddy?? INSANE!
Paul: Oh no Eric… I’ve seen this move before in various Street Fighter games.. it’s felled mightier opponents than Blanka’s opponent tonight, such as E. Honda, Ryu, and that weird guy with the stretchy arms.. and I think it’s going to claim Diddy Kong as it’s latest victim.
Eric: He sure looks out of it.. just laying motionless on the floor… let’s go to the ref for.. waitasec!! Diddy.. is.. he’s getting up!
Paul: No way! There is no way that this damn dirty ape could have taken Blanka’s electrocution move and gotten back up after so little time! How much heart does this Diddy Kong have? Oh.. wait.. it must not be very much, he just fell back onto the mat.
Eric: ONE.. TWO.. he’s out cold.. will he beat the count??
Paul: ….TWO AND A HALF… MY GOD, NOW THE KONG REALLY IS GETTING UP!! This is amazing Eric! Will he gain any momentum from this?
Eric: He’s jumping straight for the roof! Where does he find such agility!? That’s one AMAZING ape.
Paul: Now Diddy Kong is walking amongst the rafters, plotting his next move, as a very confused Blanka stands around in the squared circle. It looks like Diddy is reaching for something stashed away way up there… I can’t see it Eric, can you? It looks vaguely yellow…
Eric: I don’t know Paul but he better hope it’s something spectacular if he wants to stay in this fight! Blanka is now stomping up and down .. he is not a happy customer.
Paul: I don’t think that’s going to help Blanka much, Eric! All that stomping is going to do is wear him out.. maybe this is what Diddy’s going for? The tiny ape now has what is DEFINITELY a yellow object in his hand — actually, he seems to have more than one — and now he’s hopping back down to the ring with them.
Eric: Bananas?! How are they supposed to help! Was he just getting his lunch?? I’m just baffled here Paul.
Paul: Those aren’t bananas, Eric! They’re banana peels, and anyone who’s played Mario Kart will tell you how vicious those can be!
Eric: DIABOLICAL! The little ape is setting up a trap for the crazed… crazed green thingy.
Paul: But how will he pull it off? I’m sure that bananas must count as foreign objects.. why isn’t referee Marty Jannetty doing anything about this? He sure never seems to be paying much attention to the rules, I wonder where his head is.
Eric: Oh but its too late! Blanka is sliding all over the ring…. OUCH.. OUCH.. OUCH… He just hit THREE different ring posts!
Paul: Come on ref, that ape is showing a blatant disregard for the rules! I tell you Eric, I’m about ready to ring the bell myself; this whole match just reeks of insanity and our fans shouldn’t have to stand for it.
Eric: And it looks like he has finally woken up! But will he make the call… most of the peels have fallen off the apron and now all that’s left is the triumphant Diddy and one battered beast!
Paul: I surely doubt he will Eric, that dastardly Diddy has knocked away the rest of the banana peels — there’s no way Jannetty will have any idea what happened. Blanka is in a daze right next to that ring post, will Diddy capitalize on this?
Eric: He’s climbing up the top rope… TRIPLE SUMMERSAULT and then the splash! That is one agile ape!
Paul: Blanka won’t go down that easy, Eric! Somehow the dazed beast is back up on his feet, but he’s certainly not in good shape. One more good move on the part of Diddy should be enough to seal up this match!
Eric: But Diddy is still heavily outclassed here Paul! Look at the ease Blanka just TOSSED HIM STRAIGHT INTO THE AUDIENCE with!
Paul: But he’s still huffing and puffing in the ring, Eric; I’m afraid he may blow this whole place down! Ha ha! What are the fans doing with Diddy? It looks like they’re.. hoisting the ape atop their heads and gliding him down a path to.. to where?
Eric: Right back into the ring! This match is STILL on and right now its looking like anyone can win.
Paul: Diddy is now racing right towards Blanka.. he’s gonna crash right into the misunderstood beast if he doesn’t watch himself! Or maybe that’s what he wants to do..
Eric: Diddy, racing CLASSIC HAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I crack me up, uh oh well all know what happened last time he jumped at Blanka! ZAAP.
Paul: We sure do, but does Blanka have the strength to pull it off again? Why yes he does Eric — there goes the green machine again, creating a forcefield of electricity around him. Diddy Kong skids out of the way right at the nick of time, and now.. it looks like he’s just.. laughing at the street fighter?
Eric: Amazing!! how did the small monkeyian pull that off?
Paul: I think it was all a part of his plan, Eric! I think he’s doing it to drain the energy of Blanka, and it sure seems to be working; it’s not easy to keep that forcefield going, you know.
Eric: That is one pooped out mutant!
Paul: The electricity is dying off now, and Diddy Kong might be about ready to finish off the beast. I would never have predicted an ending like this, would you have Eric?
Eric: I dont bother predicating the EXCITING world of DCW anymore Paul!
Paul: As well you shouldn’t, Eric! It looks like Diddy’s going for that hurricanrana yet again, and this time he succeeds, bringing Blanka down to the mat, and hard.
Eric: The small ape mustered up so much power after all this. It’s truly astounding! And there he goes for the pin.
Paul: But wait Eric, I don’t think he’s going for a pin! He wants to humiliate the poor street fighter by making him tap out. Doesn’t Blanka have it tough enough as it is? It’s not so easy being green, you know.
Eric: Ooh and a low blow with the Kermit joke, Blanka is being assaulted from all ends tonight!
Paul: Diddy Kong is taking a page from “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair’s playbook and locking Blanka into the figure-four submission hold. Will the green machine tap out??
Eric: I’m not sure he can even feel pain at the moment Paul! But only time will tell.
Paul: But he’s not going to quit, gamefans! Blanka is inching, inching, inching towards the ropes.. he’s almost there, I think he’s going to make it! NO!!! Diddy Kong pulled the lifeless mutant away at the last second, and Blanka is laying on the mat, and I don’t think he’s even conscious anymore.
Eric: How could one little monkey be so cruel! What happened to the noble ape we know and love!
Paul: I think that noble ape was killed off when Diddy Kong wasn’t allowed a new, GOOD game to himself. This match is over folks — Jannetty is ringing for the bell. But let it be known that Blanka didn’t give up! He was fighting to the very end; it just wasn’t enough to topple the fearsome Diddy Kong.
Eric: Passed out in a Diddy Kong match purely UNBELIEVABLE!
Paul: Oh what, do you think you could do better against the Kong, Eric?
Eric: Hey now, I’m no digital superstar.
Paul: I think you should put your money where your mouth is and step into the right before dissing Blanka for his efforts in this matchup!
Paul: But regardless, that’s our show for tonight folks. Be sure to tune in next month when we’ll bring you the first ever DCW Battle Royale, straight from the GameCola arena! You won’t wanna miss it, I can assure you.
Eric: I can’t wait Paul!
Paul: Me either! I’m Paul Franzen and for Eric Regan, goodnight everyone, and happy holidays!