Paul: Welcome again everybody to the DCW arena! I’m Paul Franzen, and with me as always is Eric “Fisher-Price games are WAY too hard” Regan, we have a powerful special event for you tonight, don’t we Eric?
Eric: Ooh but they are Paul!! AND BOY DO WE EVER! This is DCW’s very first and VERY spectacular battle royal!
Paul: The rules are simple for this, folks: two characters start off the match in the ring, and as soon as one is tossed over the top rope and both his feet land on the floor, another character enters. In all, ten characters will be entered into this battle royal, and the only one not eliminated is the winner!
Eric: I can feel the excitement already Paul! And it looks like the first two victi.. err contestents are making their way down to the ring.
Paul: Why, I’d recognize those white ears anywhere! It’s Scooter, the boy who should’ve won Best New Character in this years IVE’s. Scooter, as you no doubt know, is the king of Frolf, the game which combines frogs and golf into one amazing sport.
Eric: And look! here comes the man he will be facing off against.. its the soul sucker Raziel, and he sure looks ready to Reave that little frolfer apart.
Paul: Raziel? I’m not sure I’ve even heard of that guy before… is he local? Anyway, there’s our bell, and DCW’s first ever battle royal is under way!
Eric: Raziel! From the Soul Reaver Series! And look out, hes not missing a beat; down comes the mask and he is attempting to suck up poor Scooter’s soul!! Though.. I think he forget he would need to kill the kid first.. bad move.
Paul: Oh, well of course, who’s never heard of Raziel? That sure WAS a bad move, Eric! Scooter, despite his young age, is smart enough to capitalize on this error, and he does so, smacking Raziel right on the top of his soul-sucking head with his Frolf mallet!
Eric: Ouch! I’m sure if he was he was a frog instead of undead, he would be clear out of the arena now! But as luck would have it.. he’s only been knocked to his knees… let’s see if Scooter can take advantage of his surprising success.
Paul: I wonder how an undead frog would fair against Scooter… Raziel is down on his knees, and Scooter is winding up to land a line-drive straight to the demon’s temple! But Raziel is reaching a hand up and.. holy hell, what’s that he’s doing? He’s grabbing Scooter by the crotch!
Eric: Well you think you know someone and then they pull something like this.. err I mean! Look at the grip! Scooter is locked in, but for what? I’m not sure I want to watch this Paul.
Paul: Me either! Hopefully Raziel knows he’s in the DCW arena and not his parents’ bedroom. I can’t believe this, Raziel is actually lifting Scooter up by the groin; I think he’s trying to toss the little frolfer over the top rope!
Eric: And there he goes!! He has tossed Scooter!! But wait?? Scooter isn’t going anywhere; he has just done a qudaruble backspin and landed on his feet. SUCH GRACE!
Paul: Raziel’s looking all around him; he has no idea where Scooter’s gone! Look at the grin on that frolfer’s face; I think he has something up his sleeve.
Eric: Well he sure does Paul! Just look at the sheer size of that mallet he has just pulled out.. and here comes the wind up.. Raziel better make his move fast.
Paul: You can say that again Eric! Raziel has turned around, but only quickly enough to see a giant mallet hit him square between the eyes! The force of the impact sends Raziel clean over the top rope. He is the first eliminated from this battle royal!
Eric: Scooter bursts into a cheer and dance, but he shouldnt celebarate just yet! There are still eight more characters waiting to toss him out of that ring.
Paul: And here comes the third entrant, it’s Carl “CJ” Johnson from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas! Carl is the man who beat out Scooter for the “Best New Character” of 2004 title; will the frolfer get his revenge in the ring?
Paul: Oh wait, it looks like he already did! Just as CJ stepped into the ring, Scooter dropkicked him right back out! Seeya, CJ! I guess we know who the better character really is, eh Eric?
Eric: We surely do Paul, but if i were you , I would ask for an escort to the parking lot!
Paul: Hey, suren it isn’t my fault that Carl Johnson, along with the Grand Theft Auto series in general, is horribly overrated, and has gone marvelously downhill since GTA2!
Eric: Enough rambling Franzen!! We have a fight to commenate and here comes the next entry.. oh no.. is this true?? Has the LEGENDARY Babik Nurn made his presnse known here tonight?! It is! NURN IS RUSHING TOWARDS THE RING!!
Paul: Oh no, not the Nurn! Another choice on the ballot who would’ve been a better pick than CJ, Babik Nurn is best known for spending lots of time in the cages of Norrath.
Eric: Yes but can this lackadaisical and slacking gnome take out the RED HOT Scooter??
Paul: I don’t know about that one, Eric! Scooter’s on a real roll right now, it’s gonna take a mighty force to bring him down. And there goes Nurn, rushing into the ring under the bottom rope! And.. he’s… running right past Scooter and clinging to a corner post of our ring. I guess that’s as good a strategy as any!
Eric: Can’t go over the ropes if your stuck to them, eh Paul! But Scooter is walking towards him… pulls him off the post! Wow they are locking up, it’s one real show of strength.. well I guess it would be classifed as that.. barely.
Paul: I have a feeling even you have the power of those two combined, but that’s besides the point! Babik wins the lockup and armdrags Scooter to the ground, and applies his famed submission, the Nurninator!
Eric: Noo! not the Nirninator! In a mere 3-4 weeksm Scooter might actully feel something that might be called pain.
Paul: Too bad Scooter’s not willing to wait that long! He breaks out of the Nurninator with ease and stares at the wimpy gnome, a malicious look in his eyes. It looks like he’s going for that hammer yet again, Eric!
Eric: But wait! Nurn lunges at him before he can grab it! A pushing match has started, and dangerously close to the ropes I might add.
Paul: Nurn has Scooter backed up against the ropes; this can’t be good for the champion of Frolf. One quick shove and Scooter is now on the ring apron, how is he ever gonna get back in? Before he even has a chance to think about it, Babik rushes to the other side of the ring, rushed back, and spears Scooter to the floor. It’s the old No Mercy trick, Eric!
Eric: Ouch! Scooter showed some spunk but has nothing to show for it, ‘dem the breaks! Nurn is anxiously awaiting his next challenge.
Paul: Oh my Eric… I recognize that theme music.. and if THAT game’s main character is about to hit the ring, Babik Nurn is in some deep trouble.
Eric: Who is it paul! He sure seems to be taking his sweet time — this isnt an all-day affair!
Paul: I see him now… the pointed ears… the green garb… it’s LINK, from The Legend of Zelda series!
Eric: The crowd is going wild! I hope this all isn’t too much for the newcomer Nurn.
Paul: I have a feeling it will be, Eric… Link’s got his Master Sword and everything.. Nurn will be lucky to SURVIVE this onslaught, let alone come out victorious!
Eric: Nurn has just jumped over the top rope!! He’s hauling his ass out of this arena at the mere sight of that imposiing figure, AMAZING!
Paul: Link is standing tall and proud in the ring.. who in the world will be able to take on the hero of Hyrule?
Eric: well if there is on man.. one man on earth it may be our next challenger… E. HONDA
Paul: Oh my, the beast from the far east, the second-best character from Street Fighter II.. Link may be facing his greatest challenge yet as E. Honda enters the ring, all bad-ass like over the top rope.
Eric: Ooh but he trips and falls to the canavas; what a rumble that made!
Paul: That’s what you get for trying to show off, eh Eric? All Link has to do is pick the big man up and toss him over the top rope.. but will he be able to do it?
Eric: Honda’s girth seems to be making the impossible Paul! I guess being brought up by fairies does have its downside; Link just can’t muster up the strength to lift the sumo up.
Paul: E. Honda has regained consciousnes now, and he’s raring to get over the embarassmnet of falling flat on his ass. One beefy kick to the gut of Link, and then another and another sends the little man reeling.
Eric: The Hundred Hand Slap! Honda’s siganture move.. Link will have a hard time surviving this one..
Paul: Good thing he got his shield up just in time to deflect that assault! E. Honda just punched and punched and punched Link’s metal shield a hundred times; his hands can’t be feeling too good after that.
Eric: Honda’s bare flesh is no match for Link’s Gadgets! It looks like Link is walking back.. and getting ready to charge E! Shield first no less.
Paul: Link slams his shield right into the gut of E. Honda, and the fat man falls back a few steps! Link charges again, and knocks the man back again! I think I know where this is going, Eric.
Eric: Oh yes.. right over the top rope! Look at the Flab Fly! I am SOOoo going to need to be mediacted after this EPIC BATTLE.
Paul: I guess this time the irresistible force was able to defeat the unmoveable object! Though it always seems to turn out that way.. hm. I wonder who’s gonna come out of that curtain this time!
Eric: And will he be able to take down everyones favorite fairy boy?
Paul: I’m not so sure he will Eric.. you see who that is, don’t you? It’s Bubsy, the furry little bobcat from those awful 16-bit platformers.
Eric: TOSS HIS ASS OUT! Err i mean.. boy, link sure must be trembling!
Paul: As he steps into the ring, Bubsy is stripping off his trademark exclamation point t-shirt.. I guess that one was from the ladies, but all I’m hearing is a chorus of boo’s.
Eric: And while bubsy is soaking in his.. hatred… Link is springing forward for his attack!
Paul: Master Sword unsheathed, Link makes a clean swipe right through the obnoxious rodent’s neck! Bubsy’s head just splatted over the top rope and onto the floor, does that count as an elimination?
Eric: And now Link tosses over the torso.. is that even legal??? Well I don’t hear a bell, and the match IS contining.
Paul: I think in even a normal match, Link wouldn’t be disqualified.. I mean.. did ANYBODY like Bubsy? Anybody at all?
Eric: Bubsy’s Mom!! THINK OF THE PARENTS!
Eric: Anyways… look who is rushing out of the gate! It’s … THE FRIED CHICKEN BOSS FROM MONSTER PARTY! Nooo! Who let that maniac in here??
Paul: Don’t you mean the fried shrimp monster? It must’ve been a while since you played his game Eric, he might not like that!
Eric: Bah! He is FOOD, Pupitre; what’s HE gonna do to me??
Eric: It looks like Link is getting that hungry look in his eye. This shrimp may have picked the wrong time to come out… it looks to be DINNER time!
Paul: Link’s already got blood on his sword; could this hero stand to kill another in one night? I mean, this isn’t Bubsy we’re talking about.. that death was reasonable.. how would Link be able to rationalize the slaughter of a poor innocent end-boss?
Eric: Never underestimate the power of one’s stomach Paul!
Eric: Link circles around the shrimp.. who seems to be frozen with fear; this isn’t at all what he expected.
Paul: Wait, what the heck is Link doing? He’s sliding under the bottom rope — remember folks, that doesn’t constitute an elimination — and he’s reaching under the ring for… a wooden stick? He’s already god a sword, what could he possibly…. oh no.. it’s not just a wooden stick.. it’s a LIT TORCH!
Eric: That shrimp is already fried Link!! What more do you need!! OH THE HUMANI…shrimpanity?
Paul: He may be fried, Eric, but I doubt he’s warm enough to eat! Link slides back into the ring and saddles back up to the shrimp, who is still too scared to move. I can’t believe the audacity of this elf! He’s actually touching the torch to the skin of that poor fried shrimp and burning him even more! That shrimp sure isn’t frozen in place any more, he’s running around screaming about the flames, and yes, there he goes, diving head-first over the top rope, no doubt in search of a way to put out the fire.
Eric: Another brillant strategy by Link! That’s seven down and two more to go!
Paul: Link’s growing pretty cocky in there; I hope he doens’t let his recent success blind him to the perils of the future. And those perils are great, for lo, here comes entrant number nine, Paperboy!
Eric: Paperboy tosses the newest edition of GAMECOLA as he makes his way into the ring.. now we will find out if the pen really is mighter than the sword, eh Paul?
Paul: Wow, check that out! Someone’s set up a ramp before the ring, and YES, Paperboy is riding his bike over the ramp and landing right in the middle of the ring! Perhaps this is an intimidation move on the part of this youngster.
Eric: I’m sure that’s the most intimidating anyone who is 5’4 has ever been! And he isn’t stopping that bike in the middle; he is going right after Link!
Paul: And look, Link is running! I’ve never seen that elf dash so quickly, myself. But wait, Link turns around quickly and clottheslines Paperboy right off of his ride! So much for being intimidated, I suppose.
Eric: Maybe Paperboy should save the world a few times and then come back. That was one powerful clothesline! Paperboy STILL hasn’t gotten up, and Link is just crouching over him, biding his time,
Paul: Paperboy slowly makes his way to feet, and meets a backhanded slap to the face from Link! He’s really trying to show that young punk some respect. Paperboy stares defiantly at the legend, though, and shoves Link right back! Unbelieveable!
Eric: And Link takes a step back! Ooh an impressive stand by the Paperboy,
Paul: The youngin is dashing over to the turnbuckle and hops right up, flying dropkick to the shocked elf! Link is down! Link is down! By God, Paperboy just might defeat this hero.
Eric: But wait! What is that ? A bottle has fallen out of links pocket…a fairy is flying out of it.. OH NO!! I think ive seen this before.
Paul: I don’t believe I have Eric; what’s going on?
Eric: Links fairy slaves are saving again! He seems to be filled with life yet again.
Paul: Or at least he would be, if not for the cunning genius of Paperboy! He flung a newspaper and killed the fairy dead before it had a chance to cast its healing spell, and now Link is all alone in this battle.
Eric: But that was all he help he needed Paul! Look, while Paperboy was taking out the fairy, Link snuck up behind him, and now is holding the kid over his head and walking him towards the ropes.
Paul: A quick reversal by Paperboy see’s the kid lock his arms around Link’s neck; what a great move! Paperboy drops down to the ground, pulling Link down with him over the top rope and down to the ground in a sickening DDT! Oh my GOD Eric, can you believe it? They’ve BOTH been eliminated! And there’s only one entrant left… who is it, and what does this mean for the fate of our battle royal?
Eric: I guess we have our winner?? Who was the final entrant supposed to be?
Paul: I don’t know, but I think that’s him coming down to the ring now…
Eric: Wait.. I recognize that music! But no! It cant be true!
Paul: It is Eric, sadly, it is. Dino Riki has won this battle royal, ladies and gentlemen, and he didn’t even have to fight a single character!
Eric: Nooo!! Say it isn’t so!! After such a classic event.. Dino Riki comes out on top??
Paul: I bet even the Nurn could’ve taken out that weakling! But according to the rules of our matchup, Dino Riki is indeed the winner.
Eric: Well this was one fantasitc night of wrestling!! Be sure to tune in next issue for another action packed match.
Paul: For Eric Regan I’m Paul Franzen, and we’ll see you again next month! Good night everybody!