The stereotypical gamer is an overweight, slovenly fellow who’d rather be munching on a cheeseburger than something else entirely inappropriate for a family-oriented webazine. Whether this is anything more than an outdated and uninformed bias is not for me to judge, but some games are now catering to this supposed demographic. Witness titles like Fable and The Sims 2 where, if you choose, you can eat carb after carb until your body resembles a bean bag chair.
But how does the discerning gamer decide which fat-friendly game to obtain? That’s what I’m here for, loyal readers. Check out:
THE BATTLE OF TWO GAMES THAT LET YOU BE OVERWEIGHT
Fable (MXB): Say what you will about this title being overhyped to the point where nothing less than Jesus Christ emerging from the disc and inviting the gamer to play Hungry Hungry Hippos would appease its followers; Fable is still a good game. One of its most fascinating aspects is the complete customization of your main character, including control of his body type. Focusing your attention on swords and strength gives you a muscle-bound freak, focusing on magic and intelligence gives you a sallow weenie, and focusing on punch and pie gives you Kamala, the Ugandan Giant. Special attention is even given to being overweight, as you can only obtain certain secret items by packing in the pounds. You move slowly if you’re fat, and no dudes or babes will ever sleep with you, but it’s all worth it for that “Will Master’s Elixir”, eh?
The Sims 2 (PC): If you’ve ever had fantasies of micromanaging your best friends’ bowel movements, look no further than The Sims 2. Building on its predecessor’s premise of allowing you to escape your own dreary life by controlling the dreary life of another, The Sims 2 adds a few new professions, several new possessions, and an “aspiration” meter, which fills up as you fulfill your characters’ various desires. These desires range from the obvious, such as learning how to cook and having your first kiss, to the slightly freaky, such as seeing a ghost and being saved from death, and the sexually deviant, such as making love in a dressing room stall. Like Fable, this game allows you to have overweight characters, by the same exact means as Fable: eating more and exercising less. Also like Fable, no one will love you if you’re fat. No one.
While both of these games allow your character to grow horizontally to epic proportions, only one rewards you for it. Fable shows us that even though fat people are unloved and unable to defeat the dragon, they still have some use. There’s a moral in that somewhere, but I’m too busy eating my Happy Meal to find it.
Winner: Fable (MXB)