Paul: Hello everyone and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling. I’m Paul Franzen alongside Eric “I had no life potions!” Regan, and we’ve got a pretty good matchup for you on this warm summer night. What say ye, Eric?
Eric: It’s freaking HOT damnit, I’m sweating—this better be one awesome matchup! But IT WILL BE, because we only bring you the best here at DCW! Isn’t that right Paul?
Paul: It sure is Eric, though I’m not sure how we’re gonna top last month’s epic cage match! We’ll sure try though folks, and heck, let’s start trying right now! Somebody start the damn match!
Eric: The music is playing, and that the ring announcer is ready to bring out our fighters! What sorta of mayhem lies ahead for us tonight? Here comes the first participant… Pikachu?!.. oh no… what have we gotten ourselves into this time!?
Paul: Hey hey, all right! Pikachu I choose you… to LOSE this matchup!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAH HERE COMES THE FUNNY.
Eric: Do you see this Paul? I am hanging my head in shame, just for you. Well after Pikachu’s ever .. unique.. entrance.. here comes his challenger! Whom might it be!? One can only hope for a 7 foot 500 pound giant to squish this rat. I mean, WHO COULD TOPPLE THIS .. Titan?? Yes that’s it. Pikachu. The titan
Paul: Wait, Titan? Is that the dude’s name? I can’t say I know of anyone named Titan… sounds like another one of the WWE’s Batista-clones, if you ask me.
Eric: No titan.. nevermind! YOU FOOL, just tell everyone who is kicking the crap out of Pikachu.
Paul: Oooh you mean that guy, right there, in the ring? By golly that’s no Titan, that’s Serious Sam! He’s got a new game coming out this year, doesn’t he? Bet he’s using this DCW matchup to help promote it.
Eric: Serious Sam eh.. what’s with they heavy arsenal strapped around him? This is a wrestling match, not a deathmatch!
Paul: Eric.. he’s facing PIKACHU… would you really mind this becoming a deathmatch?
Eric: BLAST AWAY.
Paul: There’s the bell, and this match is underway! The pocket monster is wasting no time in calling forth lightning from the skies. Interesting how he does that, as the arena has a roof and all…
Eric: HE’S A BLOODY MONSTER, RUN!! HIDE YOUR CHILDREN! HE WILL EAT THEM FIRST.
Eric: I mean, I’m sure he has a good reason for doing it.
Paul: He doesn’t really have a whole lot else going for him, doesn’t he? Doesn’t look like Sam really cares all that much, though; he’s just standing tall while the little guy uses all the power he’s got to bring on the electricity.
Eric: BLAMMO! He just shocked Sam with that huge ball he was growing.
Paul: And Sam is taken down to the ground! Pikachu is hopping over to the fallen time-traveler; let’s see if he can capitalize on the situation.
Eric: Though he seems to be more interested in hopping around aimlessly. If only he had a master who could tell him exactly when to use his lightning bolt over over!
Paul: I think the little guy’s been holding his own pretty well, personally! Not everyone could’ve taken Serious Sam down so easily.
Eric: If they could control the forces of nature they might… but what’s that!? Serious seems to be rousing…
Paul: Serious is back to his feet now, and he doesn’t look too happy with the Pokemon. Looks like he’s pulling a sawed-off shotgun out of the front of his pants… things could be getting messy, Eric!
Eric: BY GAWD WHERE’S THE REF?!! THIS IS GOING TO BE A BLOOD BATH!
Paul: Tatanka! Where are you, Tatanka??
Eric: And yet, I can hear the crowd chanting “DO IT” over and over.. good times.
Eric: JEEZ did you HEAR that shot ring off?! what happened?? Did it hit?!
Paul: Well Eric, Pikachu appears to still have a head, so I’d wager not.
Paul: So, hang on, where DID it go? Looks like Serious Sam’s wondering the same thing as he’s scanning the audience to see if he knocked some poor sucker’s noggin off.. really though, I’m not seeing any bloodshed anywhere.
Eric: Oh no, he took out lil’ Timmy’s good leg. That’s gotta spell lawsuit.
Paul: Bah, how many leg’s does a boy need, anyway? Back to live action! Serious Sam just reached down to the canvas and picked Pikachu up with one hand, and he punted him outside to the cold hard floor.
Eric: That only seems to KICK new life into him; he is charging up for another lightning strike!
Paul: But Serious Sam is being a little more wary this time! Instead of letting the bug zap him he’s charging across the ring, and diving over the top rope! Isn’t that a suicide plancha or something? I’m not too up on my lucha libre..
Eric: International super star Sam, who woulda thought it!? Look at that nifty ground work.
Paul: Serious Sam is really showing off some amateur skills here on DCW! That’s got be the best keylock I’ve seen since Kurt Angle was nearly bested by some Tough Enough weenie.
Eric: I really am not seeing the point of all this fine wrestling prowess however. Does he realize he is wrestling a rat? A RAT!
Paul: A ring rat, you might say! Ho ho ho, I SLAY me.
Eric: Ouch. The pain you cause me is indescribable with mere mortal words.
Eric: Sam has tossed ‘chu back in the ring and looks about ready to go in for a pin.
Paul: One.. tw-NOT even a two count! This ring rat’s got more fight in him than Sam thought!
Paul: Sam picks Pikachu up and just slams him back onto the mat, and now he’s climbing up to the top rope.
Eric: SERIOUS SPLASH ACTION!
Paul: Sam landed HARD on the fallen pocket monster, and I’ve gotta think that’s all she wrote. Tatanka goes down for the count.. one… two… ookay maybe not! How is Pikachu even kicking his shoulders up under the massive weight of Serious Sam?
Eric: It can only be those pokeROIDS that you can conveniently buy at any pokeMART!! I knew there were trouble.
Paul: Shouldn’t pre-match testing have caught that, though? Drugs or not Pikachu is still in this matchup, though he’s looking a bit more worse-for-wear than the scorched Sam.
Eric: I dont think we have truly finalized the process of testing RATS for drugs, sorry. NOW Sam has Pikachu in his infamous airplane spin! Could this be curtains for the fuzzy yellow dude??
Paul: The airplane spin? You think Pikachu will fall to the airplane spin? I’ve had Xbox wires more dangerous than that move.
Eric: Xbox wires ARE more dangerous than that move! But we aren’t talking about Xbox wires!! No rat I’ve ever seen would even stand a chance against an Xbox wire! Okay?!
Eric: Despite Paul’s questioning Sam’s move seems to be working! Look! Pika can barely stand.. he is wobbling.. wobbling and.. DOWN.
Paul: Yeah, but look. Sam’s going to go for the pin, and Pikachu’s gonna get right back up. You just watch.
Eric: NO!! ONE.. TWO..
Paul: And he got up. Big whoops. Totally told you, man.
Eric: LIES!! He’s down CANT YOU SEE!?
Eric: The rat is gone D-E-D.
Paul: Then why’d the ref stop counting, EH??
Eric: He was just overwhelmed LOOK! He isn’t even moving.
Eric: I think the shock of a pinfall victory via the airplane spin was too much for him..
Paul: Huh.. you may be right about that.. Tatanka IS just lying there on the mat, with one arm raised ready to slap down the three count. Good thing we’ve got another ref running out to make the call! Who is that, I can’t tell..
Eric: It’s your HERO! PETE GAS!
Paul: Junior referee Pete Gas! I can’t remember the last time I saw him on DCW programming… I think he might’ve been in the audience. Pete Gas stumbles under the bottom rope and waddles towards the action, or lack thereof, at any rate.
Eric: And.. and.. THREE! Pete Gas signals the end of this “fascinating” match.
Paul: Well I don’t know about you Eric, but I’m sure all our fans out there never predicted a Serious Sam victory in this matchup.
Eric: He toppled the untoppleable PIKACHU, didn’t he!? A win for the ages.
Paul: He sure did! I’m sure he feels right proud of himself, being a muscle-bound strapping young man who’s defeated a small yellow rodent.
Eric: *sniffles* I CAN ONLY WISH I WERE HIM.
Paul: That’s about all we’ve got for you tonight, gamefans! Be sure to check us out next month, when maybe we’ll have a more evened matchup.
Eric: CLOSET. MATCH. EVER.
Paul: For Eric Regan I’m Paul Franzen, and we’ll see you again in a month! Goodnight everybody!