On the date of August 24th, 2005, I was caught with my pants down in front of a cop car that had been set on fire, while holding a book of matches in one hand and a tank of gasoline in the other. As part of my community service, I’ve been ordered to bestow my vast knowledge upon the gaming masses.
Dear Zack,
After going over my bank statement and noticing that I don’t have any money, I thought of a neat way to make some extra cash. I know a lot of people make a lot of money selling characters and items in World of Warcraft online, so I thought I’d take that to a whole new level: I put my body up for grabs on eBay. Not my actual body, but that of my night elf maiden. I offered my “services” to the lucky winner for an entire hour. Sounds great, right?
No one bid. Not a single person bid. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My typing is sexy and my character has got it going on. Where did I go wrong?
Signed,
The Things I Could Do For You
Dear The Things I Could Do For You,
You’re going about this plan all wrong. When it comes to cyber-sex there are basically two types of people: guys, and guys who pretend to be women. Who’s going to pay for that when there are about a half-million dudes on IRC who are claiming to have 36-18-33 measurements?
There is only one tried-and-true method for making money off of online gaming. First, find an RPG the involves levelling up your character. Then spend every waking hour of the next three months levelling up your character until he or she is almost maxed out. Then put your account for sale on eBay. With very little difficulty, you should make about as much money as you would have earned had you only spent a week working for minimum wage.
Of course, this is a moot point, anyway, since you’re talking about a computer game, and according to Paul, if it isn’t a console game, then I don’t give a fuck.
Sincerely, Zack
Dear Zack,
Everywhere I go, it’s Darkwatch. Darkwatch in the trees. Darkwatch on the ground. Darkwatch in my hand.This is mainly because the makers of Darkwatch are conducting some bizarre advertising campaign that involves littering my university with images of their game.
Is it wrong for me to want to take all these fliers and shove them up the developer’s ass?
Much Obliged,
The Vampire Slayer
Dear The Vampire Slayer,
I can certainly empathize with your rage towards the ill-conceived Darkwatch ad campaign. Hell, I can understand rage towards any ad campaign, considering the fact that the purpose of every ad campaign is to trick you into spending your cash (or considering it’s college, your parent’s cash) on useless shit like videogames. That’s basically the purpose of advertising.
The way that advertising is supposed to work is that you are compelled to buy as much useless shit as you can. You buy so much that you are compelled to take a shitty job just to supply you with money to waste. Before you know, you’ve become caught in the capitalist wage-slavery system. Oh wait.. I just realized that I’m writing this rant for the wrong newsletter.
This is GameCola and according to Paul, if it isn’t a console game, I don’t give a fuck.
Sincerely, Zack
