Release Date: 2001
Starring: Ming-Na, Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi, Donald Sutherland, and James Wood
Directed By: Hironobu Sakaguchi and Moto Sakakibara
Written By: Hironobu Sakaguchi, Al Reinert, and Jeff Vintar
Every so often there’s a significant advance in film special effects, leading to the inevitable shit-storm movies with no substance, whose only purpose are to showcase said special effects. Examples of this phenomenon include Twister, all three Star Wars prequels and of course, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within.
Final Fantasy is completely computer-animated, which means the scenes are vibrant and colorful, and the people look pasty and lack emotion, just like in the future.
For well over the last decade I’ve had the opportunity to play a bunch of the Final Fantasy games, and the only consistant with all of them is that they were all pretty decent games. (Well, except for Final Fantasy VIII when Squaresoft swapped out anything fun about the game for more realistic graphics.) Although there were things that are present in all games like magic and chocobos, they all have there own seperate storyline, and their own set of mythology. So it makes sense that the movie wouldn’t based on any one of the games. Instead it’s based on a collection of anime cliches that were are all crappy even before they became trite.
From what I bothered to remember, the extent of this movie’s plot is that some crazy lady has been having dreams about the end of the world or some shit like that. And as we’ve all learned from previous editions of Final Fantasy, whenever someone has a dream, it is always a doomsday scenario that must be prevented.
From there, the four main heroes try to stop the evil General from using a powerful that will, unbeknownst to him, expedite Earth’s destruction. Meanwhile they have to escape these crazy phantoms that kill your soul or something like that if they touch you. So basically, what I’m saying is that Final Fantasy is a really dumb fucking movie. In fact after watching only about 45 minutes of the film, my psyche was so damaged that the pain could only be alleviated by taking Final Fantasy out of my DVD player and snapping the disc in half.
Since I failed to finish watching the movie, I made up for it by watching MVP 2: The Most Vertical Primate. MVP 2 is the heart-warming tale of a young orphan named Ben who befriends Jack, the same lovable chimpanzee who put the awesome back into ice hockey in the original MVP: Most Valuable Primate. Ben teaches Jack the chimp how to skateboard, and Jack teaches everyone else how to love. Now, I know that MVP 2 isn’t actually based on a videogame, but legally speaking, Final Fantasy is a crime against humanity, and I’m done talking about it. So fuck you, I’m reviewing MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate.
Ever since he ran away from the foster home, Ben has been living in shack at an abandoned pool, which means he’s living every 12 year-old skateboarder’s fantasy life. Meanwhile, Jack was kicked out of the hockey league thanks to the treachery of the evil rival sports team that every children’s movie is legally required to include. Jack runs away and finds Ben. Then there’s some awesome scenes involving a chimpanzee riding a skateboard. I was going to write some metaphor to properly convey the scope of the awesomeness of a Chimpanzee on a skateboard, but my nose started to bleed, and I realized that is no such metaphor that the human mind would be able to perceive.
In order to stay out of the foster, and support himself, Ben must win the skateboarding competition so that he can get sponsored. Can Ben and Jack get to the big competition and win the chance to skate alongside Bob Burnquist (who has a cameo)? Will Jack be able to get back into the hockey league? Is MVP 2 proof positive that America can’t possibly be the great Satan that all those other countries we oppress, claim it to be? You’re going to have to watch to find out!
Movie Quality: Imagine that you wake up after a blurry week-long bender. You have a hangover that is so epic, most of you cognitive abilities of ceased to function, you can’t feel your legs, and you can no longer see in color. One of yours eyes is missing because your new husband, a 400 lb. escaped convict with herpes spent the night skull-fucking you. MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate is the exact opposite of this horrific scenario.
Faithfulness to the Game: Well, the closest thing to a game that has anything to do with MVP 2 would be theTony Hawk’s Pro Skater series. Not only did it feature skateboarding, but Bob Burnquist is also in both the movie and the games. Sadly, I do not remember a single instance of chimpanzee in any Tony Hawk game, so I’m going to give Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater a rating of -10.
I’d like take this time to announce that this is the final edition of Oh, the Humanity! It seems that the last few months of horror have left a permanent stain on my soul that probably won’t ever come out. The thought of having to watch another movie based on a videogame causes me to collapse into the fetus position and shake as I sob like a little girl after what daddy says is “our little secret.”
That and the fact that Blockbuster suspended my account after I refused to pay for the DVD which I broke. I insisted that I was doing them a service, and should probably be paid but my logic fell on deaf ears. And thanks to Blockbuster’s Satanic corporate scheming, there aren’t anymore rental places around here.