What the Crap? Stick to What You’re Good At

What the crap is up with game series' suddenly switching genres? If a game works well as a side-scrolling plat former, don't turn it in to a driving game. The big one that comes to mine is that stupid

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What the crap is up with game series’ suddenly switching genres? If a game works well as a side-scrolling plat former, don’t turn it in to a driving game.

The big one that comes to mine is that stupid Star Fox game that was released on the ‘Cube. Star Fox has had three solid games released that offer top notch space flight, fast speeds and sweet explosions. Why the hell did they make a 3D platformer on some stupid dinosaur planet? “Hey, people must love Star Fox because they love playing the role of Fox McCloud!” Wrong, jackasses. They like playing it because it’s a sweet flying game. They wouldn’t care if it was called Star Pig, staring some transvestite- kamikaze-nazi-Eskimo-paraplegic swine, as long as the action was the same. Yeah, let’s run around as Fox, hitting things with a wooden stick. Sounds like an instant hit! If they make a track and field game with Star Fox in it, I swear to god I’m going to piss all over my Wii.

starfox

Another great crap game was Diddy Kong Racing. People loved the Donkey Kong Country series. Great graphics and sound, fun levels, swinging from branches…it’s what a 2D platformer should be. But hey, let’s take some of the characters and a bunch of new jackasses and put them in a driving game. Not just any driving game, but one that fails to meet the bar of Mario Kart. Sounds like a winner to me! Whoever came up with the idea that you had to drive to the race courses in a Mario 64-esque overworld should be shot.

Do you remember that guy, “The Noid”? He was the cartoon figurehead for a pizza company…I think Dominos. Anyways, what the hell did he have his own side-scroller for? Stupidity. Oh, and remember Nester, the red spiked hair guy from Nintendo Power? He was in a comic with Howard, called “Howard and Nester,” a fairly lame comic. He was also in Pilotwings 64, but renamed Lark for some reason. Anyways, he had his own bowling game called Nester’s Funky Bowling. Hey, let’s take an unpopular comic book character, put him on the worst videogame system of all time and make a bowling game that is probably as non-funked as possible.

Now, some games move smoothly to different genres. Mario works well as a platformer, a driving game, puzzle games, time machine game, RPG, sports, fighting and just about anything. This is because people love the Mario cast and crew. But what kind of name is “New Super Mario Bros.? The game does look sweet, but that name is just stupid. What will they call the next Mario Bros.? If you go back and play NSMB 15 years from now, it won’t be so new.

And, oh yeah, what the crap is up with Alex Trebek these days? That guy is an asshole. I want to see a Jeopardy 64 immediately! But yeah, some things should just stick to what they’re good at. Fraggle Rock may have been a good TV show, but it shouldn’t also be a breakfast cereal.

1 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 101 vote, average: 6.00 out of 10 (You need to be a registered member to rate this post.)
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About the Contributor


Since 2006

Mark Freedman is a hard hitting reporter on just what the crap is going on in the world of video games.He also writes reviews and manages the staff Q&A column. Occasionally, he has been known to take a shower. zzzz

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