Paul: We are joining you in progress here in lovely Sicklerville, New Jersey, live from Eric Regan’s backyard! Cloud’s on the rooftop dueling with that ancient Lufenian Cid, Zidane has her tail wrapped around Yuna’s throat down in the grass, and Sephiroth’s trying desperately to look cool while getting his ass handed to him by nancy boy Tidus.
Eric: PAUL! Zidane is CLEARLY a fellow! How could you possibly screw that up?
Eric: Just because all the participants were exchanging fashion advice mere moments before this epic encounter doesn’t mean anything!
Paul: Well Eric, the apparent guy is now apparently chocking the life out of Yuna—she’s still a chick, right?—who’s powerless to ward off the ferocity that is Zidane! Meanwhile, Cloud is now dangling from your roof as Cid stands tall, his brown cloak waving in the wind, ready to stomp on the DCW veteran’s hands.
Eric: Of course Yuna is still a girl; she IS the only one out there in a skirt, isn’t she? …Wait wait, don’t answer that. I cant be 100% sure.
Eric: As Cid attempts to finish off Cloud, Sephiroth comes in and applies his dastardly “your shoe is untied” maneuver on the poor regent of Lindblu!
Paul: And while Cid, that loveable leader of the Al Bhed tribe, checks his shoes, Sephiroth kicks him square in the bun sending him HURTLING straight off of Eric’s roof! CRASH! Cid lands hard on…uh…that wasn’t your car, right, Eric?
Eric: Wait, WHAT? What color was it?! It wasn’t blue, was it?! I dont care how famous a general he was or how prestigious his Nanten Knights were, that is SO coming out of his paycheck.
Eric: Back to the action. Yuna has gained the upper hand over Zidane and is now choking the poor lad with his own tail! If this wasn’t wrestling of the backyard variety, I might think that wasn’t legal!
Paul: There are no rules in extreme six-pack elimination matches! It’s kind of like ECW, except in this case, “extreme” doesn’t mean “poorly performed stripteases.”
Eric: Yes, we all know how much you wanted to see what SEPHIROTH is packing, but I’m sorry; I just could just put our fan through that!
Paul: Yuna’s not looking so good right now, Eric! But before she can switch from mostly dead to totally dead, Tidus makes his return to the action and pimp slaps Yuna right in the face.
Eric: Wait, I thought Zidane was being choked out! This backyardness is a bit too speedy for my liking, man! Some of these “warriors” need to be eliminated POST HASTE.
Eric: Cid, using his vast knowledge of Gummi ships, has crafted what USED to by my sweet ride into some sort of makeshift aircraft and is sailing over the roof!
Paul: Cloud pulls himself up onto Eric’s roof and grabs onto Cid’s ship, pulling himself up on that too and facing off with that researcher for the Empire. Sephiroth is left all alone, but not for long—he takes a running dive straight off the roof and nails both Yuna and Tidus, who were, until that point, apparently arm wrestling.
Eric: Tidus is stunned that someone would dare interfere with a perfectly good arm wrestling competition, and Sephiroth takes advantage with a quick ONE TWO THREE on the water fairy.
Paul: Our special guest timekeeper, Finnegan of Vana’diel, rings the bell, and we are down to only five combatants! And we could be down by two more at any second, as Cloud and Cid are battling atop Cid’s new Gummi ship, leaving no one to actually pilot it.
Eric: I’m sorry Paul, but you might need some new glasses—that isn’t any sort of Vana’diel resident, it’s just our NEW PERMANENT timekeeper, Papa Shango, in a funny hat.
Eric: Even though I am not entirely sure backyard wrestling has time keepers….
Eric: The floating ship is going wild and takes a tail dive straight for the grassy earth beneath it! Things are looking good for Cloud and that mechanical inventor.
Paul: You call that looking good?? They’re both completely laid-out! All any of the others would have to do is just run over there and pin them, and they’d be OUTTA HERE.
Eric: Yes, well, any time Cloud is unconscious its a good day for me
Eric: And seemingly hearing your words, Yuna pounces on the fallen hero(s) and pins them BOTH.
Eric: At the SAME time! Amazing. I’ve never seen such futility in kick outs in all my years!
Paul: With Cloud and Cid now eliminated for our matchup, Yuna turns around to face whoever’s left…and gets clocked right in the head with a light bulb! She’s out now, too, and a three-count later scores the pinfall for Sephiroth over Yuna.
Eric: It’s a madhouse! Who is left in the battle of the not-so-super stars?
Paul: Sephiroth, still badly beat up from his leap of faith, and Zidane, who I believe has been chasing butterflies for the last few minutes.
Eric: Oh, look! He caught one. How exciting.
Paul: But will he let it go?? The fan is on their FEET.
Eric: And while Zidane befriends that ever intimidating butterfly, Sephiroth begins to hatch a nefarious scheme that should, but most likely won’t, lead to the downfall of that almost beloved hero.
Paul: But before he can do anything too dastardly, Finnegan—the REAL Finnegan!—arrives on the scene, and he’s brandishing a flaming baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire!
Eric: BY GAWD!! THINK OF THE DESTRUCTION. Well the destruction there could have been, if the bat wasn’t three times the size of the wee boy, and didn’t cause him to fall backwards, setting himself on fire by his own hand.
Paul: Sephiroth turns his back to laugh at the hero from clan Fruit Bat Revenge, and that’s just the opportunity Zidane was looking for! He looks at Sephiroth, raises his fist into the air…and lets the butterfly go, before Sephiroth can do ANYTHING about it.
Eric: And the crowd goes wild! Finally, something has happened.
Eric: Just then, the butterfly gets dangerously close to the flaming mass and goes up in smoke. Damn that Zidane! DAMN HIM TO HELL. Let us have a moment of silence for the innocent butterfly.
Paul: Zidane bows his head in prayer, and that’s just the opportunity Sephiroth was looking for! He turns around, raises his fist into the air…grabs ahold of the burnt remains of the butterfly and chows down. Man, is that guy ever hardcore.
Eric: What the hell?! What would possess anyone to do that! They don’t even have any meat to them.
Eric: This is the most disturbing match I’ve ever witnessed! And I haven’t even seen a single wrestling maneuver!
Eric: Where are the damn armbars and moonsaults, man!? WHERE.
Paul: I think Sephiroth is about to show you some of that wrestling prowess, Eric! He picks up the flaming Finn, dashes over to Zidane’s devastated self and smacks him right in the head with the Tarutaru red mage.
Eric: But wait! It was all a feint by the cunning tailed hero! He ducks the flaming swing and punches Sephiroth right in the nuts.
Eric: THE AGONY.
Paul: But Sephiroth doesn’t feel a thing! Of course he doesn’t—he’s a Final Fantasy character. Zidane should’ve known that slick maneuver wouldn’t work on him.
Eric: It’s very true! Perhaps the latest edition of Vogue magazine would have been a bit more distracting, and more effective, in this situation.
Eric: But Zidane is unphased and has now attached himself to Sephiroth’s leg. I think he’s applying his dreaded biting-of-the-kneecap.
Paul: Slightly more effective than the nuts-punch, but Sephiroth easily shakes Zidane off. He kicks Zidane in the head and drags him over to Eric’s pool and, without another word, tosses him right in. I’m not sure what he’s trying to accomplish with this, but it at least looked cool.
Eric: Whoa, when did I get a pool? He seems to be shoving Zidane’s head under the water and not letting him up! This is unacceptable! ZIDANE COULD DIE!
Paul: Referee Marty Jannetty makes one of his few appearances in this match, lifting Zidane’s arm up once. It drops. He lifts his arm up a second time….
Eric: Zidane somehow musters the strength to not only lift up his arm…but also to pull in the white-haired villain into the pool as well!
Paul: And now the two combatants are splashing about playfully, each trying to dunk the other underwater! But then Finnegan shows up again and does the inconceivable: He scales the diving board, jumps high into the air, and SPASH! lands a cannonball right where Sephiroth and Zidane were frolicking.
Eric: Ugh, this just keeps getting stupider and stupider.
Eric: If only someone would swoop in and save us from this inconceivable torture.
Paul: But I don’t think anyone will, Eric! The three splash and play and frolic for several more minutes, and decide to go back into your house for some iced tea and cookies. There, Sephiroth and Zidane decide the battle’s just not worth fighting anymore, and, over a rerun of Dawson’s Creek, agree to call it a draw.
Eric: What! Who the hell let them in! Get them out of there!
Eric: THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.
Eric: I DEMAND BLOOD.
Eric: All of them! Bludgeon each other! DO IT NOW!
Paul: Finnegan walks back outside and offers Eric a cookie.
Eric: YOU DIE. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!!
Eric: I sure hope next month we actually have some sort of action lined up, and not this fairy festival hoopla.
Paul: We sure do, Eric!
Paul: In fact, next month features our RETURN TO THE DCW ARENA.
Eric: Finally! Home sweet home.
Paul: Or rather, we have our VERY FIRST MATCH at the NEW DCW arena, justifiably dubbed the James Pond Memorial Coliseum for our fallen friend, who passed away after injuries sustained in our last ever match there.
Eric: You mean, after he ripped it apart from the inside out
Paul: And that’s it for this month! For “Captain” Eric Regan I’m Paul Franzen, and we’ll see you in September!