Paul: Howdy everyone, and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! I’m Paul Franzen alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and on the heels of that EPIC Sonic vs. Bowser matchup we’ve got, for you, yet ANOTHER AMAZING DREAM MATCH!
Eric: I’m not so sure about that, Paul. I mean, “dream match” isn’t something you can just throw around and deem every match to be!
Paul: In one corner, we’ve got the hero from the original Castlevania, the man who introduced us all to the now legendary series, the wonderful, the incredible, the amazing…SIMON BELMONT!
Paul: We have Purple Tentacle, from Day OF the Tentacle!!
Paul: Let’s hear a round of applause for classic adventure games!
Eric: Day of the Tentacle? What system was that for.
Paul: The computer! It’s a classic—a CLASSIC!
Eric: Oh wow, I didn’t know you played those. Uh…so yeah. Classic. I guess that’s a word.
Paul: Well, I try not to, but every now and again I’ve gotta make exceptions for games so incredible.
Paul: So let’s get this match started! Simon’s already in the ring, and we’ve got Purple Tentacle…making a sort of squishy hippity hop towards the general area of the ring. He’s not very fast, that tentacle. He should consider investing in legs.
Eric: Legs, you say? BRILLIANT! I hope he gets that memo.
Eric: Well, it’s been two-and-a-half hours, and the blob hath finally arrived.
Paul: Referee Marty Jannetty nudges Simon awake, who rubs his eyes, gets up slowly, and is now totally ready for this match.
Paul: The bell is rung, and this match is started!
Eric: There’s some fierce right hands by the Castlevanian superstar!
Paul: Those are some awful squicky noises on the part of Purple Tentacle! He’s taking it in stride, though, and goes for the deadly single-suction cup dropkick!
Eric: You need feet in order to kick!
Paul: He nails Simon right in the chest, and evidently sticks right to him! Simon’s knocked backwards with Tentacle right on top, and Marty goes for the count!
Paul: One! Two! Simon kicks out, but Tentacle’s still stuck to him.
Eric: Well, this has to be one of the least pleasing-to-the-ears matches we have had in a while.
Eric: Who invited the squishy sticky thing, anyways.
Paul: Hey, it was a better idea than the Pit of Acid match YOU were gunning for!
Eric: Acid is sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.
Eric: It looks as if Simon has somehow broke free and has the tentacle in some sort of almost choke hold.
Paul: How does that work? Does Tentacle even have a throat?
Eric: I am not an expert on the biology of tentacles. That’s your area.
Paul: Not according to what I saw of your DVD collection!
Paul: Tentacle slides of out Belmont ’s grasp, slips behind him and slaps Simon in the back of the head.
Eric: And he’s DOWN! That is one POWERFUL…thing.
Paul: Tentacle hops onto Simon’s back and applies the dreaded Steiner Recliner! Simon better act soon or his chest’s liable to be snapped in half.
Eric: Act soon? That tentacle is like 900 times the size of little Simon.
Paul: Simon’s trying to squirm free, but it just isn’t working! This match could be over already!
Paul: But wait, what’s this? Simon’s reaching into his pocket for something….
Eric: Well, it’s nice to know those big flashly clothes of his do have their practical purposes.
Paul: I think he’s got his whip out, Eric! I…er…hope he’s not planning to use it on Tentacle, as that’d be an automatic disqualification, I think.
Eric: I’m not even going to bother trying to determine what is legal and what is not here in the greatest federation in the history of the world.
Paul: This ain’t no whacked-out gimmick match! I think we can handle following the rules of a simple one-on-one contest.
Eric: WOW! Look at those VICIOUS whip shots!
Paul: Snap out of your dream world, Eric! Simon’s using his whip all right, but he’s actually using it to latch on to the bottom ring rope and pull himself toward it!
Eric: Well that just isn’t as fun.
Paul: But it’s what’s actually happening! Are you gonna call the damn match or call some damn fantasy of what you think would MAKE for a cool match?!
Eric: I think I’ll go with my way.
Eric: It keeps me awake.
Eric: BY GAWD!! IS THAT KING KONG?! THIS IS ONE HELL OF A SLOBBERKNOCKER!
Paul: Now you’re just being ridiculous.
Eric: Ridiculousity: the #1 reason you, THE FAN, tune into DCW!
Eric: Simon is on the top rope now! Looks like he is setting some kind of devious plan into action.
Paul: But before he can pull off a high-risk maneuver, Tentacle plops on over and pulls on the ring ropes, tripping Simon up enough for Tentacle to hop up on the second turnbuckle and deliver a SUPER DDT to the vampire hunter!
Eric: I love how you give such fancy names to the tentacle’s “maneuvers.”
Paul: Tentacle goes for another pin!
Paul: One! Two! Another kick-out by Simon, but he was really feeling that DDT.
Eric: I wonder how you kick out from under 10,000 lbs of purple mass.
Paul: Belmont ‘s still down as Tentacle drops the elbow! Again! A third elbow, and then goes for the pin again!
Eric: KICK OUT!
Paul: But this time he only gets a one count, as the elbow seem only to have awoken Simon.
Eric: WHAT?! BY GAWD! Simon has just grown a huge metallic arm! And is proceeding to choke the life out of poor tentacle! INSANITY!!
Paul: Hey Eric, you’re commentating on your fantasy world again.
Eric: Oh wait! Look at that! The tentacle has reversed Simon’s large metallic arm with TWO large metallic arms of his own! INCREDIBLE!!
Paul: Nope. That’s not real.
Eric: Oh yeah. Right. My bad.
Eric: Simon continues to be bloodied and battered, laying motionless on the canvas. Do you feel the excitement? Yeah, me too.
Paul: Gasping for breath, the nearly defeated Belmont pulls himself up using the ropes for leverage, but has his hands slapped at by the fiendish Tentacle! Down he falls again!
Paul: He now grabs a handful of the Tentacles squish, pulling himself up again! But Tentacle only laughs and headbuts the veteran Simon, who collapses, once again, down to the canvas.
Eric: With his breath running thin, Simon’s eyes begin to glow a deep, dark red!
Eric: WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?! He…he…he has just summoned an entire army of vampire minions right before our eyes! MY MIND ISN BLOWN!! He sure had us fooled, didn’t he!!
Paul: THAT’S ENOUGH, ERIC! YOU CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW.
Eric: Fine, fine. Have it your way.
Eric: The tentacle is now sitting on the corpse of Simon.
Eric: YES!! BY GAWD!! THAT IS THE MOST IMPRESSIVE USE OF ONE’S ASS IVE SEEN IN A LONG WHILE.
Paul: HE DOESNT EVEN HAVE AN ASS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Eric: Oh, I see. He can perform dropkicks, but god forbid anyone call that lumpy backsection an ass.
Eric: I SEE HOW IT IS.
Paul: It’s a damned suction cup! A SUCTION CUP!
Eric: Multiple suction cups on his ass, yes.
Paul: NO ASS AT ALL.
Eric: Oh wow, look at that!
Eric: IT’S ALL DONE, FOLKS
Paul: What?? When did THAT happen??!
Eric: Well, he was sitting on him while we argued.
Eric: Apparently they don’t stop counts for us.
Paul: The nerve! I should fire the lot of you!
Paul: In fact! That’s it, Regan!
Paul: NEXT MONTH.
Paul: We’re bringing in a new announcer.
Paul: Oh don’t worry; we’ll still keep your lame ass around.
Eric: How could you??!
Paul: But I’m sure it won’t be for long.
Eric: I’m the GREATEST!
Paul: It’ll only be to help transition the new voice of DCW to the team.
Eric: THE GREATEST EVER!!
Paul: AND that new voice….
Eric: You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!
Paul: …is none other….
Eric: You can’t replace me!!!
Paul: …than Jack Russell.
Eric: That poser.
Paul: Who had an absolutely EPIC feud with Wander earlier this year, as I’m sure you recall.
Eric: I’ll announce his ass right into the ground.
Eric: INTO THE GROUND!!
Paul: Hah! Only if you can stay out of your damned fantasy world for more than two seconds, Regan.
Eric: My world was a lot more exciting.
Paul: And with that, we’re DONE DCW this month! I hope you all had a great time, and I hope you all didn’t suffer too much as a result of my partner’s substandard announcing.
Eric: IT WAS BRILLIANT!!
Paul: If you love it so much, why don’t you MARRY it, Regan??
Eric: It isn’t tangible.
Paul: Goodnight, everybody!