Paul: Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! As always I’m Paul Franzen, and with me as always is my good friend “Captain” Eric Regan.
Paul: Unfortunately, Jack Russell is not with us this month, but I imagine you’ll all deal just fine.
Eric: I can’t believe you still have a job, Franzen.
Paul: What’s not to believe! That hack Russell has nothing on me.
Eric: No comment.
Paul: But enough about people who illegitimately win battle royals. It’s time for tonight’s main event!
Eric: So! What do we have lined up for this FANTASTIC night!
Paul: Well! None other than DCW’s first-ever PIT OF ACID match!!
Eric: Pit of Acid, you say? When do the revolutionary ideas stop here at DCW!? I’d have to wager for NEVER!
Paul: And I’d have to second that wager!
Eric: So what exactly IS a pit of acid, Paul?
Paul: Well I’ll tell you, Eric!
Paul: Earthworm Jim’s good buddy Peter Puppy is strung up above a pit of acid, and EWJ has to defeat his opponent tonight, Dr. Robotnik, before his friend DIES.
Paul: Simple enough, eh?
Eric: Well, yes, I suppose it does sound rather simple.
Eric: But Peter Puppy?! What did he ever do wrong!
Eric: Oh, that dastardly foe! I sure hope the earthworm show him what’s up!
Paul: He’ll get his chance soon, Eric! Both combatants are in the ring right now, and, as Peter Puppy squirms helplessly, referee Marty Jannetty calls for the bell to start this contest.
Eric: Earthworm Jim stares down the rotund villain, losing precious seconds for his puppy companion.
Paul: And Robotnik just laughs! And laughs, and laughs, and laughs. His tummy is rumbling not unlike a bowl just filled to the brim with jelly….and even moreso now, as Jim has just kicked him straight in it!
Eric: And Robotnik is reeling! He must have taken one, maybe even two, steps backwards!
Paul: Looked like three to me, Eric! Jim with a clothesline and a quick cover! One! Two! Thr-no wait he kicked out! By GAWD that was close.
Eric: Wow, already? Robotnik might want to hit the training room once in a while.
Eric: Robotnik has turned the tables on the earthworm now, and has him lifted high above his head! What could this mean for the poor dirt-loving hero.
Paul: He just tossed him right out of the ring! Jim’s been speared right into the side of the pit itself, and he slumps to the floor.
Eric: Uh oh! As Jim lays dazed outside of the ring, his poor sidekick is lowering closer and closer to that large pit of acid!
Eric: Get a hold of yourself, Jimmy!
Paul: Jim’s trying to shake the cobwebs out, but he’s gotta be faster than that! The good doctor is already rumbling outside of the ring and right towards him.
Paul: Jim tries to stand up, but he gets socked right in the mouth by a right hand from Robotnik.
Eric: The not-so-good doctor is towering over the slumping worm now, just ready to bring some more o’ da hurt!
Paul: Robotnik goes to land another punch, but before he gets a chance an apparently reviving Jim lands his patented move—the “pull his entire body out of his suit by the head and whip”—which trips up his opponent!
Eric: What a turnaround! Peter Puppy may be saved yet!
Eric: And now Jim has wrapped his wormy body right around Robotnik’s throat! throat! It looks like he has the deadly Earthworm Choke locked in.
Paul: Robotnik’s eyes are bulging right out of their sockets! He’s gasping for breath! But as Jim continues to lock in this innovative submission hold, his dear friend is now only five feet from the acid.
Eric: The evil doctor is refusing to tap and he’s slowly crawling towards the rope!
Eric: Jim may need to come up with a new plan, post haste!
Paul: He might not have to, Eric! Jim is purely chocking the life out of his foe! Now it’s just a race between Robotnik’s death and Peter’s…uh…death, as well!
Eric: Peter Puppy is inching ever closer to that sizzling pit of acid! Look at those bubbles pop.
Paul: Peter Puppy is now only three feet away! Something’s gotta give, and it’s gotta give SOON.
Eric: Robotnik is bucking like crazy trying to push off that worm, but Jim just wont give up!
Eric: We are seeing all kinds of new shades of purple tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Paul: Far more than I ever knew existed! But wait, it looks like Robotnik’s starting to make some headway! He’s got his fingers in-between Jim and his neck…and…YES, he appears to have pulled the worm loose!
Paul: Out of his suit and away from any throats he might throttle, Jim is completely helpless…and he’s about to become even more so, as Robotnik is actually tying the hero to one of our ring posts!
Paul: I’ve never seen anything like this in all my years calling wrestling, Eric!
Eric: How will Jim be able to free himself AND defeat the overweight medical practitioner all before poor Peter is toast!
Eric: And just for good measure, Robotnik is now delivering vicious headbutt after vicious headbutt to the entangled worm.
Paul: Peter Puppy is now only a foot away from the acid, and by the looks of things, he isn’t going anywhere he’d want to be going.
Eric: Are you sure? Have you asked him? Maybe he likes to be bathed in acid. Didn’t you ever think of THAT!
Paul: I don’t think he does, Eric! He’s about six inches away, and he’s actually trying to climb back UP the rope he’s dangling from! I’m not sure how effective that’s going to be, but I’m pretty darn sure Jim’s not about to save him.
Eric: But wait! JIM HAS BROKEN FREE! And is flapping helplessly on the canvas.
Eric: Way to be, JIMMY!!! Way to be.
Paul: But his friend is a mere five inches from the acid! Jim’s never going to be able to save him now!
Eric: It doesn’t look like this will have a very pretty ending!
Eric: Wait, what is the DOCTOR doing now? He seems to have picked up Earthworm and is now eyeing the pit of acid! What can he be thinking!
Paul: He’s not gonna…he’s not gonna throw Jim in the acid too, is he?!
Paul: I think he is!
Eric: BY GAWD he just might!
Paul: BUT WAIT!
Paul: By GAWD!!!
Eric: WHO IS IT?!
Paul: IT’S CORTEZ, BACK AGAIN!
Eric: Oh jeez.
Eric: What the hell!
Eric: This isn’t good news for the earthworm, as CORTEZ’s sudden apperance spooks señor Robotnik, who sends the worm straight towards that pit!
Paul: Luckily, Cortez happens to be swinging in through the arena on a rope!
Paul: He sails right over the pit, grabbing both Jim AND his buddy Peter and landing safely on the ground.
Eric: Oooh, that’s gonna cost Team Earthworm! DQ. DQ. DQ!
Paul: You called that one! Marty Jannetty is signaling for the end bell, and this match is OVER!
Paul: But I don’t think Robotnik is!
Paul: He’s waving to the entrance ramp himself…and…it looks like two MORE people are entering the James Pond Memorial Colliseum!
Eric: You’re seeing things.
Eric: GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!
Paul: Damn these infernal eyes.