Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
When we last left our heroes, they were bickering over the ownership of a cape. Whoever owned the cape, it was decided, would be the leader of the party from then on—and, thus, the main character of The Gates of Life. You, the reader, got to make the call.
Who did you choose? How will this new leader lead? Will anyone follow? Find out the answers to these questions and more in this month’s edition of The Gates of Life!
Necrostreeb: I’m the main character?! Seriously?
Spoonlad: Has anyone seen my girlfriend?!
Barin: Treacherous bastards! You voted for…him?!
Enrique: Oh God….
Rivers Duo: Hurray!
Narrator: And with that, Necrostreeb was, in fact, the new main character of this story.
Narrator: And, he gets to wear the cape.
Rivers Duo: Has it been eight months already?
Necrostreeb: Good question, Rivers! Nope, it sure hasn’t!
Rivers Duo: I see.
Pirate: Me an’ the crew will follow you to the ends of the earth, Cap’n.
Pirate: Aye aye! That we will!
Barin: What crew?! There is no crew! You are the only damned pirate here!
Rivers: I could’ve sworn there were more just a few minutes ago….
Pirate: True numbers matter not! When you’ve been at sea for as long as we, Barin, maybe then you’ll understand. What really matters is…the…er…we have….the heart of millions!
Barin: What does that even MEAN?!
Pirate: We shall overcome all that come before us, and we shall do so in the name of our good Cap’n Necrostreeb!
Pirate: Aye, aye! That we will!! THAT WE WILL!
Barin: STOP THAT THERE’S ONLY ONE OF YOU.
Captain Necrostreeb: And what about the rest of you guys, eh?? You’re gonna come along too, right?!
Captain Necrostreeb: I need you!! All of you!! We’ve all been through so much together and I don’t know what I’d do without you!!
Captain Necrostreeb: You guys…you guys are the only friends I’ve known since my dear Streebless left me….
Captain Necrostreeb: I’ll need all of your strength if I’m to move on with my quest!!
Spoonlad: Oh Necrostreeb, of course we’re here for you! All of us! You know we all miss Streebless just as much as you….I mean, I never met him, or anything, but I’m sure he’s a swell guy!
Spoonlad: And we’re especially with you if, during the course of our rousing adventure, we can find my long-lost love…Forklass…oh, how I do miss her so…so…so very much!!
Narrator: Spoonlad then flung himself into Captain Necrostreeb’s arms, and the two shared a deep embrace. Tears flowed freely from their eyes, and it was several moments before they let go of one another.
Rivers Duo: Wait a second…Forklass? I thought you were in love with Enri-
Enrique: MOO! Let’s uh…find that Forklass person…so…uh…Spoonlad and her can get back together again…yeah….
Rivers: But wait! Since when does he even…
Enrique: WE’RE WITH YOU ON THISQUEST.
Rivers: Oh, I mean, of course! I get a real kick out of Spoonlad and Necrostreeb—I wouldn’t miss this for the world!
Barin: Well that’s bloody good for you, but why should I, the great Barin, defeater of mere mortals such as yourselves and conqueror of realms you can only dream of, be involved in this trifflery?! I have a world to exact my revenge on!
Rivers: Which realms have you conquered, exactly?
Barin: ONES YOU CANNOT IMAGINE.
Rivers: I see.
Captain Necrostreeb: We can do that too, Barin!! Don’t you worry at all; I haven’t forgotten about you!! You gave me my big break!! You taught me all I know about being a great leader! Of course I’ll help you out in your own quest; it would be incredibly impolite not to!
Barin: Well, Captain, just how in the hell do you propose that you’re going to do that? It’s not like we’ve had any success whatsoever yet; every time we’re about to get started we get disrupted by fake n00bs or evil children or warp whistles…what makes you think this time is any different!
Captain Necrostreeb: Don’t you worry about that, Barin—I’ll have that part taken care of! Right now we just have to worry about getting Streebless back!! That’s our main goal right now!! Everything else is just side-quests!!
Rivers Duo: Streebless? But I totally ki-
Captain Necrostreeb: I know, Rivers Duo. And your punishment will come soon enough.
Captain Necrostreeb: But right now, guys, right now we just have to focus on getting him back!! OK?? I hope you’re all ready!!
Barin: Wait a second…warp whistles…Streebless…of course! The little halfling bastard had it on him when he died….
Barin: Captain Necrostreeb, I am at your service.
Captain Necrostreeb: Excellent! Thank you so much, my mentor!!
Captain Necrostreeb: Now, my gang, listen up!
Captain Necrostreeb: This adventure…it’s going to be dangerous!! It’s going to be treacherous!!! Some of you might even…get hurt a little bit. But! It’s also going to be a lot of fun; I’ll make sure of that! You know I will!!!
Captain Necrostreeb: I already tried that, Enrique!! You were there!!! It didn’t work—not in the slightest! All it did was alter my name! And by Streebgod, I’ll be getting that back too.
Captain Necrostreeb: And, my gang, since that didn’t work…that means we’re going to have to do it…the hard way!!! Score!!!
Barin: You don’t mean?!
Captain Necrostreeb: That I do!!
Pirate: The horror! The sheer horror! I don’t know that we can take it, Cap’n!
Captain Necrostreeb: It’s the only way, Pirate! You and your able crew must be up for the task.
Enrique: d00d. Lame.
Captain Necrostreeb: And that way is….
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Black Hole Slam
Captain Streebless: We must dive deep into the heart of the Streebabyss!! He’s there—I just know he is!!
Rivers Duo: You don’t mean…that giant hole half our party fell into a while back…do you?
Captain Necrostreeb: The very same!
There’s Something About Render
Captain Necrostreeb: We must find your former captain, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora!
Enrique: How do you even know who that is.
Captain Necrostreeb: He is our only hope!!!
It’s a Streeb World After All
Captain Necrostreeb: We must travel to my home, the Streebcrorealm, to find the accomplished necromancer Streebdom! My Streebless may be no more, but Streebdoom will know how to make him more once again!
Barin: It’s times like this when I really miss Dugo, Najen and the gang….
This poll ends on February 7.