Hey, everyone! Welcome to “Inside the Guide”, the column where I give you a behind-the-scenes look at the fascinating world of writing guides for videogames. This month, I’m going to talk about Boku Dracula Kun. Unfortunately, there really isn’t much of a fascinating story behind writing the guide for this game, so instead I’m just going to go over what the game is like in general. Best of all, I’ll do it in fancy Q&A mode!
Q: Isn’t that basically the same thing as a review?
A: Shut up.
Boku Dracula Kun, also known as I’m Kid Dracula or Drac’s Night Out, is one of those NES games without any story whatsoever. The game starts with you playing Dracula, who shoots fireballs out of his hand to protect his castle from zombies, errant knights, bats and Klu Klux Klan members. What’s going on here? Why are the bats attacking Dracula instead of helping him? Since when does Dracula shoot fireballs from his hands? Where’s Simon Belmont? None of these questions get answered.
Dracula then goes to a cloud level, where he faces off against, vultures, witches, flying turtles, and the Greek god Zeus, but even those horrors can’t prepare him for the level’s fearsome boss.
Q: What does Dracula fear more than garlic and vampire hunters?
A: A giant chicken.
That’s right. Dracula goes head to head with a chicken. Forget Freddy VS Jason: Dracula VS a giant chicken is where all the action is.
Fortunately, Dracula manages to get the upper hand against the chicken and goes onto to New York, where he gets attacked by aliens, King Kong, and Spiderman. That’s right, in order to beat this game, you have to kill Spiderman. Somewhere out there, Peter Parker is crying.
Dracula then has to go through the New York subway system, where he faces off against axe murderers and gangsters (in other words, the people who Spidermanshould be fighting), and makes it to the level’s boss: The Statue of Liberty! She can’t fight because she’s from France (zing!), so instead she challenges you to an All-American Quiz Show, which, for some odd reason, has several questions about Japan.
Dracula goes on to fight against many other confusing bad guys, like figure skaters, eskimos who throw popsicles at you, Samantha from Bewitched, and about 3,000 robots. Fortunately, Dracula manages to use his vampire powers to kill them all and stop an evil alien called Faramos, who wanted to take over the world. Makes sense to me. After all, if you can’t depend on Spiderman to save the world, Dracula is an obvious second choice.
In closing, I’ll share my ASCII art for this game with you. It’s a picture of Dracula!
Q: This article still seems like it belongs in the Reviews section.
A: Shut up, or I’ll send a giant chicken to beat you up.
See you next time, everyone.