Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Hello gamefans, and welcome to yet another exciting edition of Digital Championship Wrestling! As always I’m Paul Franzen alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and this month…DCW…goes to the extreme.
Eric: Perhaps even the MAXXXTREEM, Mr. Franzen?
Paul: Perhaps even more than that, Mr. Regan! This month DCW presents a match so hardcore, so insane, so deadly that MTV actually refused to air it during a recent showing of their wrestling series, WSX!
Eric: INSANITY! MTV is known for its envelope-pushing style! What could this match POSSIBLY be!
Paul: I’ve got one word for you, Eric: Piranhas.
Eric: PIRANHAS?! From what I have learned from various cartoons…those things are DEADLY!
Paul: They’re especially deadly when you’re thrown into a tank full of them!
Paul: Which is what is going to happen to one of our combatants, right here, tonight, in this very ring!
Paul: In fact, the tank is already stationed right in the middle of the ring, ready for some face-eating action.
Eric: I sure hope you remembered to pony up for some health insurance this time
Paul: You always say that, and, yet, I never do.
Eric: BRILLIANCE ABOUNDS!
Paul: Considering how many matches we’ve had, there’ve been relatively few deaths! It’s barely worth it.
Eric: Need I remind you of the Donkey Kong’s feet incident?
Paul: We don’t talk about that anymore.
Paul: Look, there, in the ring!
Paul: It’s our combatants!
Eric: What courageous gladiators are possibly up to this mean task!
Paul: In one corner, we’ve got one boxer who’s used to overcoming the odds—in fact, he’s been the underdog in every single bout he’s had. Little Mac, from Punch Out, ladies and gentlemen!
Eric: Every SINGLE match? C’mon, what about the time he boxed a starving kitten for dinner?
Paul: And in the other corner, it’s my own personal hero, as he is the only videogame character I can relate to on a facial hair level. Let’s give it up to Barret, from Final Fantasy VII!
Eric: So a guy from an NES game and a fourth-string Final Fantasy character, eh? What, were all of the seagull’ from the last Zelda title too busy?
Paul: They’re actually still bitter we’ve continued to snuff them after the fiasco of ’04.
Paul: There’s the bell, Captain, and this match is started!
Eric: Barrett is charging around the left corner of the tank while Lil’ Mac seems completely distracted by the fish! It looks were off to a DCW start already.
Paul: I think Mac’s actually trying to feed the fish—didn’t anyone tell him these fish feed only on human flesh?
Eric: Oh yes, all those water-dwelling humans they feed on. Someone’s been watching cartoons too much!
Eric: However, Lil’ Mac abruptly stops feeding the frenzies as he is picked up and body-slammed to the ground by a determined Barret.
Eric: Barret is going for the kill and FAST! Cloud must need him to bring back the dry cleaning or something, huh Paul.
Paul: Is that what he does in that game? I gave up on that series after Final Fantasy I.
Paul: Barret picks up the damaged Mac again, throwing him effortlessly into the corner of the ring and then charging up and headbutting him right in the gut!
Eric: OUCH! That’s gotta hurt. Defend yourself, Lil’ Mac!
Eric: But Barret continues the assault, picking up the dazed Mac and positioning him for the belly-to-belly suplex!
Paul: And Mac hits the canvas, hard, again! Barret kicks him in the head a couple of times, and I do believe I see first blood! It’s oozing out of Mac’s mouth.
Eric: Look at those piranhas, practically chomping at the bit at the sight of blood! This one could be over in a hurry.
Paul: But look at that, Eric! One of the piranhas has just jumped straight out of the tank and has chomped down firmly on Barret’s ear! Told you the buggers eat human flesh.
Eric: Look, all I was trying to do was point out that a creature that lives underwater cannot live on human flesh alone! Sheesh, some people!
Eric: But the vicious ear-bite by the fish has bought enough time for Lil’ Mac to get in some offense of his own! A left, a right, another left, another right! WHATTA COMBO!
Paul: Barret’s staggering right near the tank; all it’s gonna take is one more punch and he’ll fall right in!
Eric: Nut it looks like Little Mac is winded! And it couldn’t come at a worse time, because the battered Barret seems to be falling right on top of the pixilated pugilist.
Paul: And they both hit the ground! Barret on top of Mac, whose shoulders are flat on the mat…but there’s not gonna be a pinfall tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Heck, referee Marty Jannetty ain’t even in the arena—there’s no need for him in this encounter.
Eric: But who will call for the bell! We sure are all about the bottom line here at DCW!
Eric: Mac seems to have regained his senses, and the small boxer is trying his mightiest to push the large warrior off of him.
Paul: But Barret isn’t moving an inch. Methinks Little Mac might be rethinking those knock-out blows right about now.
Eric: Now Barrett is the one to come back to life and he wastes no time, quickly standing up an raising the wee hero above him in a choke! THIS can NOT be good!
Paul: But Mac was ready for him this time, slipping out of Barret’s grasp and running the hell away as quickly as he can.
Eric: Oh NO! Mac! Look where your running! SMACK.
Eric: Little Mac ran right into the fish tank.
Paul: Is that a small crack I see forming right where his head met the glass?
Eric: Can’t a match ever end correctly!!?
Eric: DAAAMN YOOOU MATCHMAKER! Damn you to hell!!
Paul: Don’t blame me! Blame our production department!
Paul: Crack or no crack that tank’s still in once piece…for now….
Paul: Which is more than you can say for our combatants, after the hellacious action they’ve been through so far!
Eric: Oh yes, Lil’ Mac’ dastardly “run away in fear” maneuver has left Barret devastated!
Paul: Mac’s back on his feet, and he’s heading outside of the ring.
Paul: Reaching under the apron…and what’s that he’s got?
Paul: Is that a…glove of some sort?
Eric: OH MY GOD! NOT A BOXING GLOVE! What will this FIEND come up with next!
Paul: You’re right—that’s not a boxing glove!
Paul: I’ve seen that thing before!
Paul: It’s the NES POWER GLOVE! It’s “so bad,” I hear.
Eric: But the question HAS to be asked: Does this power glove still actually…work?
Paul: Did it ever to begin with?
Eric: Well, I think, one time, I sorta got one to work as a crappy controller.
Eric: Does that count?
Eric: BY GAWD! Look at the vicious overhand strike Mac landed with the POWER GLOVE! Maybe he is the key to its mythical powerz!
Eric: I sure hope its not a bar of lead, or something
Eric: The athletic commission might have to step in!
Paul: Going…going…and…he’s…holy crap! He’s landed right on top of the tank! He’s actually lying on its edges, wit his head on one side, his feet on the other, and his torso hanging precariously above the fishies!
Paul: Mac pulls himself up to the top of the tank, and he jumps down HARD on Barret’s gut!
Eric: OH NO! It looks like in a last ditch desperation effort, Barrett is weakly slamming his fist against the tank! He knows he doesn’t have the power to win this—he’s going for the DRAW!
Paul: Another jump by Mac, and Barret’s really contorting himself to stay alive now! Another punch to the glass, and I think I saw some shards go flying that time!
Paul: Another jump!
Paul: Another punch!
Paul: Another….BY GAWD, WHAT’S THAT???
Eric: OH NO!
Eric: SAY IT ISN’T SO!
Paul: Oh, wait, nevermind. Just had something in my eye.
Paul: Perhaps another SHARD OF GLASS, as the tank is now busted wide open and the water, pirahanas and videogame characters are all spilling out!
Eric: How the hell is this match supposed to end now!
Paul: Perhaps via countout!
Eric: NO DAMN COUNTOUTS!
Eric: Maybe if we had a ref he would know what to do, eh FRANZEN?
Paul: OK, wait, I got it.
Paul: Nope, nevermind.
Eric: We look like amateurs here! WHAT WILL OUR PEERS THINK.
Paul: Well, that’s about all we have for Digital Championship Wrestling this month!
Eric: Seriously? We’re going out like this?
Eric: Not even going to pretend to give THE FAN some sort of closure?
Paul: Tune in next month for yet another thrilling matchup?
Eric: Pfft, as if.
Eric: I’m reading The Gates of Life TWICE next month.
Paul: Thanks for checking us out, ladies and gentlemen!