The Gates of Life: Episode 44 – Two Heads are Better Than…OMG SEA BEARS?!

Render: Augh…my head…. Wait…wait why do I have really nice boobs all of a sudden?!

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Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.

When we last left our heroes, they were on a quest to resurrect Render: the former dashing male lead of the story who, it was thought, would be able to help our heroes bring Streebless back to life. So they traveled to the Infinite Nega Vortex, where Pirate—being of pure heart—was able to call forth the man from Trelenodora.

But there was a hitch, and that’s where you—the readers—came in! Render wasn’t quite…himself, but what, exactly, was wrong with him? Which malady did you readers choose? Where will the party go from here? Will they ever bring back Streebless, whom they’ve now been after for several chapters? And, most importantly, how will Render co-exist with the new leader of the story, Captain Necrostreeb?

Find out the answers to these questions and more in this month’s edition of The Gates of Life!


Chapter Forty-Four
Two Heads are Better Than…OMG SEA BEARS?!

Render: Augh…my head….

QM Girl: Your head… What about mine?!

Render: Wait…wait why do I have really nice boobs all of a sudden?!

QM Girl: And why do I have a…oh my god.

Pirate: Arr! They be fused together!

Rivers Duo: And holy crap, there’s like 50 sea bears coming at us from over there!

Bar-Bar: BASTARDS!


Captain Necrostreeb: Render! Oh, Render, it’s you! Thank you so much, Pirate, for bringing our former leader back to us!!!

Pirate: Arr, it be no trouble a’tall, Cap’n.

Rivers Duo: When was Render ever your leader?

Captain Necrostreeb: Oh, dearest Render! Oh former leader! I could just kiss you! (And maybe I will later, if we get some alone time….) Tell me how to get my Streebless back!!!

Render: ….

Captain Necrostreeb: Render, come on!! It’s been far too long already since I last saw my apprentice! We need to bring him back and we need to do it now!

Horde of Sea Bears (in unison): Oh ho, ho ho ho ho.

Rivers Duo: Hey, uh, Captain? It might be a good idea to deal with the sea bears before they…actually, come to think of it, I’m not sure what they actually do. Maybe they’re not as evil as we’ve been making them out to be!

sebearsHorde of Sea Bears (in unison): Dodo, do do do doooo!

Pirate: That thar be a good point, Rivers! We be thinkin’ someone should be tryin’ ta just talk with ’em, see what they want!

Bar-Bar: I’ve had it up to here with this “we” nonsense! THERE IS ONLY ONE OF YOU, PIRATE. ONE.

Horde of Sea Bears (in unison): Rah raaaah, rah rah rah rah raaaaahhhh!!!

Enrique: Those are some hella lame lyrics.

Narrator: Oh, but the Horde of Sea Bears, they did not agree with Enrique’s ascertation! They, in fact, agreed so little they surrounded the barbarian mage and threw little sea stones at him.

Enrique: Uncool man, uncool!

Rivers Duo: Don’t worry Enrique, I’ll save you!

Narrator: But before Rivers Duo could stupidly fuse all the sea bears together to create yet another massive mammouth epicly-sized giant sea bear, Enrique unleashed his fury! The man moo’d, and then he moo’d some more, and while moo’ing the sea stones being thrown at him stopped. They just stopped. Right there in mid-air.

Narrator: The sea bears, for their part, stopped throwing them, but those stones remaining in the air then burst into flame! Yeah! And then they flew backward and burned out the eyeballs of the sea bears, rendering them completely useless, because of what use are a bunch of blind sea bears? The sea bears, for their part, then left, but not before swearing revenge unto Enrique.

Render: ….

Rosalito: Oh, si! Me gusta yo tambien! No mas el aquo grande!

Captain Necrostreeb: Oh, Enrique, that was brilliant! Totally, totally brilliant! I’m sure we’ll never have to deal with them again now!

Rivers Duo: I wonder what would’ve happened if we’d tried to reason with them….

Captain Necrostreeb: Well, there’s no reason sitting around talking about spilled milk when there’s a Streebless to rez! C’mon Render, let’s get that taken care of right now.! C’mon!! Let’s do it!!

Render: ….

Render: ….

mooQM Girl: My goodness…I can’t believe this….

QM Girl: I just can’t believe this!

Barin: Wow, it sure sucks to be you! And here I never thought I’d find anyone who’s lot in life was worse than mine. Glad I’m not fused with that BASTARD.

QM Girl: Fused…I’m fused with him…

QM Girl: And here I thought my life was over, thanks to that dastardly Genericus….

QM Girl: Instead I’m BACK, and I’m fused to my one true love! Oh, oh, whatever could be better?!

Render: ….

Render: I hope you’re all satisfied.

Render: I mean, sure, she’s hot and all, but….

QM Girl: Oh, you’re so silly Render! Or should I say….

Render: No, you really shouldn’t. My real name doesn’t get to be revealed just yet. I rather enjoyed that cliffhanger, actually.

Render: As for you, Necrostreeb…what in God’s name made you think I’d have any clue how to resurrect your special friend?

Captain Necrostreeb: …I’m sorry?

Render: You heard me.

Captain Necrostreeb: Well, the readers voted on it a few months back, so….

Render: Well, screw the readers! I have no clue how to get him back.

Captain Necrostreeb: If you’re gonna be part of my crew, Render, you have to help me get my Streebless back!

Render: Who the hell ever said that I….

QM Girl: We’ll do whatever we can, Captain Necrostreeb!

Render: No, we really won’t.

QM Girl: Oh yeah? Says who? When did you get so grumpy, anyway?

Render: When I found out I was fused to you! You didn’t actually believe that crap I said before, did you? Man. Girls. What the hell is up with them.

QM Girl: I told you not to toy with my emotions like that, Render.

Render: This crap wears off eventually, doesn’t it Rivers?

Rivers Duo: Well, it always has in the past…but uh…I didn’t actually do this one, so….

Render: Well then who the hell did?!

Bar-Bar: Listen, I hate to break up you BASTARDS’ little love-fest, but…

Pirate: Arrr, he be right my lads…we be hearin’ it too….

Rosalito: Que?

Rivers Duo: If only I understood Spanish, I could figure out what he means! Consarn it all.

Blind Horde of Sea Bears (in unison): You can take away our vision.

Rivers Duo: Oh, crap.

Blind Horde of Sea Bears (in unison): You may think you’re very cunning.

almostbattleEnrique: UBER lame.

Blind Horde of Sea Bears (in unison): But if you don’t wanna die….

Bar-Bar: Like you BASTARDS could ever hurt me.

Blind Horde of Sea Bears (in unison):You’d better get to running!

Narrator: The sea bears, then, returned to the scene. And oh, what a return it was! They all had little pairs of sunglasses on and they were all wielding canes. Deadly, deadly canes—canes with very large spikes protruding from their ends. And these canes were aimed right at our heroes’ hearts!

Rivers Duo: Two battles in one issue?? There’s no way!

Narrator: There sure isn’t!


Run Away Like a Bunch of Pansies

Captain Necrostreeb: We got lucky ones, guys, but there’s no way we’ll be able to take them again! Let’s run for it!

Rivers Duo: Sounds like a plan!

Rosalito: Si, si, muy mucho.

Fight Like Real Men

Captain Necrostreeb: We took them once, and, by Streebgod, we can take them again! Enrique— Do your thing.

Enrique: Moo.

Negotiate Like Some Negotiators

Rivers Duo: Look, sea bears, can’t we just work something out?

Blind Horde of Sea Bears: We’re listening.

This poll ends on April 7.

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