I played God of War and God of War II at Joel’s house recently. How can these games look and play this good on 7-year-old hardware? Why the hell is it that I do not own a PS2? It’s fucking ridiculous. I haven’t played Okami, Shadow of the Colossus, any Final Fantasies, Odin Sphere, Devil May Cry, Kingdom Hearts, Jak and Daxter, Ratchet and Clank or Sly Cooper.
Which brings me to the game I’m reviewing this month: The Punisher, by Who the Fuck Cares and based on The Movie No One Watched.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Well, it finally happened, just like I told you it would. I ended up on a deserted island. I was on my way—by private yacht, if you must know—to paradise when my captain, Jagged-Cliff McWreck Smash, somehow sank us on some protruding rocks. I washed ashore here. The only reason I know the date is because my cell phone still lives, though just barely. I can’t get a signal but I can check my calendar. And play Doom RPG.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Wow. I just walked my new home. It measures 27 My-Feet long by 43 My-Feet wide. I have a cluster of four coconut trees and the following, which washed ashore from the wreckage of my yacht, The Swiss Cheese:
- George Foreman Grill (with optional grease tray)
- Fishing Pole
- Lowry’s Seasoning Salt
- Small Generator
- Gas can with gas inside
- Small color television
- The Punisher for Xbox
- Pocket tape recorder with tape and batteries
Really? All right, fuck it. If I’m gonna be stuck here Lost-style with only this shitty game, then I’m gonna make the best of it. Somehow.
Before we dig into the mediocrity, here’s some trivia: Did you know there were actually two films based on this stupid comic book license? And yes, somehow I’ve seen both of them several times, despite not being a fan what-so-ever of the comic (or any comics in general, for that matter). The first was made in 1989 and starred Dolph Lundgren. For some unknown goddamn reason, I saw this piece of shit about 6,000 times between the ages of 16 and 18. It just sucks. And the 2004 version, starring Thomas Jane (wait—who?) was almost as bad. But it lacked that special something that made it a fun-bad movie (hellloooo Halloween 3: Season of the Witch!) and was just a bad-bad movie.
Whew! Pretty tired now. Tomorrow or the next day I’ll get the genny up and running and we’ll actually play this game. By the way, I found this masterpiece in a scary-as-fuck pawn shop in the outskirts of Portland. I browsed their game selection (lots of copies of Big Mutha’ Truckers, no joke) and decided on this and Legacy of Kain: Defiance for $5 each. I consider that cash to be ransom money ’cause it saved my motherfucking life that day. I fully believe if I hadn’t bought anything I’d be a dead man.
There was a live chicken running around. (Again, no joke.)
Monday May 14, 2007
Ahhh! What a beautiful morning on the island! The sun is just peeking over the edge of the horizon. The coconut juice is fresh, the fish are hopping and…OK, OK. I’ll play the crappy game.
Luckily, I happened to remember if you enter the name V PIRATE under new save you’ll unlock everything and not have to play through this monotonous mess of a game, so I do so. See, I’ve heard of this game before. There are specific areas where you’re supposed to be able to perform very graphic, disturbing kills, ala Manhunt. This is the only reason I even paid $5 for this garbage. Since I’ve unlocked all the levels, I’m just going to play through some of the better sounding ones to tell you about their environmental deaths.
CENTRAL ZOO LEVEL — Holy shit, this has got to be my favorite level in the game. Apparently, my neighbor has been kidnapped, and it has something to do with my local zoo. Yep, you read that right. Let me explain something here: 90% of the time, The Punisher is a complete Max Payne rip-off with horrible graphics. But once in a while, you see the little Punisher skull logo thingy hovering and you can do unimaginable shit to your enemies.
But I digress: You start the zoo level. It looks just like the Portland Zoo to me. Except for the massive wood chipper sitting directly in the walkway right after you enter. Since I’m invincible, I grab the nearest brain-dead enemy and drag him over and hit the “kill” button. Frank Castle (the Punisher) throws him in and blood and gore come streaming out the other end. Holy shit!
Farther along in the level, I come across the aquatic section. There are fish tanks everywhere, so of course I see if I can blow the glass out. I can, and the fish flop everywhere. What detail! Holy fucking shit!
Lastly, I’m near the end of the coolest level in the game when I grab a guy and throw him face-first onto the curb. I press my foot against the back of his skull and apply pressure until he breaks and gives me the info I need, then I rear back and smash his face into the cement, killing him. “Next time, stay six inches away from the curb,” Castle snarls. Holy mother-fucking shit!
Well, that’s three levels in. The other 847 levels suck. I wonder if I’ve got enough juice to play Doom RPG…
Tuesday May 15, 2007
I killed a seagull today. I lured it down by promising not to hurt it if it gave me information, and then I ingeniously rigged three coconuts to swing in like pendulums and smash that fucker’s brains in, only to fire up my Foreman and grill the bastard. I guess I could’ve done it more easily, but I’ve been playing The Punisher, you see…
There are myriad problems with this game. The first is the AI. It’s absolutely atrocious. I mean it. Here are just a few problems I encountered:
- I would approach a doorway, and a dude would come barreling out of it, firing his weapondirectly into the wall ahead of him while I cut him down from the side.
- Guys would routinely run for cover behind a column or wall or whatever, and when I would flank them from the other side, they’d still be looking the other way, like they hadn’t heard me. I actually gave a soldier a wet willie.
- There are only about six different enemy models in the game, and they all suck.
- I actually shot an innocent person in the face—I mean, directly in the face—and the gory spot remained despite the guy leading me on further into the level. It was disturbing.
- This piece of shit looks like an original PlayStation game, not an Xbox game. Well, that doesn’t have anything to do with AI, but it’s true.
Thursday May 18, 2007
As I said, I tried sampling just a few different levels, and while the level-specific kills are awesome, as are the interrogation techniques, the rest of this game is not so good. However, a choice cut:
FUNERAL LEVEL — The funeral level is my second favorite. You start off by pulling a corpse out of a coffin and getting in it yourself. Then you pop up during the service and blow away 14 (I counted the bodies) mourners, all dressed exactly the same and completely unarmed. Later, as you storm the retail area where sample coffins are displayed, you can grab an enemy, throw him in the coffin, toss in a grenade, and hold down the lid while he explodes inside.
Was that a plane? No…no, I guess not. Running pretty low on gas in the old genny now. Wish I had a better game. The battery on my phone is almost dead too, so I won’t know the date next time I write. I have, however, come up with a killer way to electrocute dolphins using sand, rocks and—you guessed it—coconuts.
Don’t buy this game, even if it’s only $5. I just described the best parts, so just YouTube it already if you want to see the environmental kills. Max Payne wasn’t all that great to begin with, so why would you want a shitty rip-off? This is one of those games that just drags your whole collection down, and you want to get rid of it immediately, but it’s worth so little that you just keep it and never ever play it.
??? May ??, 2007
At least, I think it’s still May. No hope for rescue. I shouldn’t have used the last of my battery to text message MTV and vote for who’s hottest on TRL. Fuck it—no regrets. Yeah, the Coast Guard seems wiser…in retrospect. But we’ll see when Rihanna becomes number one thanks to my ass.
So hungry now. I just want off this island so badly. I…wait a minute! I see a boat! It’s approaching fast! Holy shit, I’m saved! Hello! Hello! Over here! Thank God, I–
Wait a minute. That’s my editor Paul Franzen at the helm! And he looks fucking pissed! How did he know I was late with my articles, much less where I was?? Doesn’t matter, I’m outta here! If anyone is looking for me, I’m swimming in the opposite direction of Franzen! Do you hear me? The opposite direction! And if he asks, I was never here, and my shit was in on time!