Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
When we last left our heroes, Jonathan the Minotaur had demonstrated two of the three new powers he’d acquired in the time he’d been away from our story. And that’s when tragedy struck. Narrator—The Gates of Life’s narrator—totally lost it and killed just about everyone besides Render Girl, Rivers, Bar-Bar, and himself.
And that’s where you, the readers, came in! What, exactly, would happen next? Who would be in charge of this new power quatro? Would Render Girl ever gain her manhood back? Or would she just kill herself, instead? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this month’s episode of The Gates of Life!
Old Enemies: Render Girl vs. Bar-Bar
Render Girl: Works for me.
Bar-Bar: What do you mean, works for you? What kind of–
Render Girl: No, seriously. Just kill me. You can be the leader, and I can be dead. That’d make everyone here happy.
Bar-Bar: I don’t believe you.
Render Girl: What’s there not to believe? Kill me. You get what you’ve been seeking for the whole damn story, and I don’t have to live another second without Little Render.
Bar-Bar: There is no way you BASTARD are just going to just let me kill you. I don’t buy it. You’ve got something up your ASS sleeve. SONOFABITCH.
Rivers: His what sleeve?
Render Girl: Want me to prove it? Here, take this sword, and just jab me right in the gut. Go ahead. I’ve got nothing left.
Bar-Bar: No WAY. There is no way. We’ll just have to think of a more traditional way to choose the new leader.
Render Girl: If you kill me, that’ll take me out of the running.
Rivers: And I don’t really wanna be the leader, actually. It’s not really my thing. That’s why it never would’ve worked with me and my Horde of Sea Bears, anyway.
Bar-Bar: Well, then, I guess I get to be it by defa–
Narrator: HOLD IT!
Narrator: It is NOT going down this way!
Narrator: I narrated you two into a fight, and you are DAMN SURE gonna fight!
Narrator: And you’re gonna do it right goddamn now!
Narrator: YOU WILL NOT DEFY THE NARRATOR AGAIN.
Render Girl: What the hell are you gonna do about it? Kill me?
Narrator: If you refuse to fight–
Narrator: –I’ll bring back the Streebs.
Render Girl: WTF! OK! Jesus Christ. We’ll fight, you asshole.
Bar-Bar: BRING IT ON, BASTARD!
Render Girl: Ugh…but I really just don’t feel like doing this right now. I’m fine with jumping off this nearby cliff and letting you lead.
Rivers: Whatever happened to the cape? I thought that was settling all our leadership qualms.
Rivers: And I think Crossfire might’ve done it at some point, too.
Bar-Bar: PUT UP YOUR GODDAMN DUKES, BASTARD!!
Render Girl: Uhh….
Render Girl: Well what?
Narrator: Render Girl put up her dukes.
Render Girl: What the hell! I did not! What the frig’ is a duke??
Narrator: You should know, ’cause you’ve got ’em up!
Rivers: Ooooh yeah, his dukes are up, now. It’s showtime!
Narrator: Starting his war cry, Bar-Bar charged straight at Render Girl!
Render Girl: There’s no way this dufus can actually kill me. Not even if I wasn’t trying to die.
Render Girl: If I fight him, I’m just going to win…and then I’m going to have to depend on Rivers to kill me, which ain’t gonna happen, either.
Render Girl: But, on the other hand–
Narrator: Bar-Bar was almost closing in!
Render Girl: Bah, he’s nowhere near me. I still got time.
Render Girl: So, anyway, if I don’t fight him…I’ll probably still win, because he’ll find someway to incapacitate himself as he tries to take me down.
Render Girl: Either way, there’s no particular gain for me.
Render Girl: I actually have no idea what I should do right now.
Render Girl: I just can’t decide!
Render Girl: If only there was a way to let someone else–
Which Gate Do–
Render Girl: I just wish someone else could make that decision for–
Which Gate Do You Cho–
Narrator: But just as Bar-Bar was about to reach Render Girl, and just as Render Girl was about to reach a decision about what to do about Bar-Bar…
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Man Parts: Revisited
Narrator: …Bar-Bar tripped over QM Boy, who apparently was not killed in the explosion after all!
Render Girl: THANK GOD YES.
Render Goes Flying off a Cliff
Narrator: …Bar-Bar actually head-butted Render Girl in the gut and sent him flying off the side of the cliff!
Best Friends Forever
Narrator: …Rivers lept in front of Bar-Bar to take the hit for Render Girl!
This poll ends on October 7.