Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Welcome, gamefans from all over the universe, to another exciting edition of Digital Championship Wrestling—which is, as far as I’m concerned, the ONLY wresting federation to regularly feature Sonic the Hedgehog as a competitor.
Eric: Regularly feature? When was the last time we used Sonic.
Paul: I’m Paul Franzen, and with this night is my color commentator, “Captain” Eric Regan.
Eric: I think you’re lying, Franzen.
Paul: BAM!
Eric: That was like over a year ago.
Paul: Oh, and check THIS out!
Eric: That’s from three years ago. REGULARITY AT ITS BEST!
Paul: Fact is, Regan, that no OTHER federation has had Sonic wrestle more than once in three years! That’s all I’m sayin’.
Eric: Quite the accomplishment. Where are our medals.
Eric: So, what legendary heroes are on tap for the masterpiece we have lined up tonight!
Paul: I think we’re all in for a treat tonight, Regan!
Paul: I mean, you can say that for every single one of our matches….
Paul: BUT THIS TIME I REALLY MEAN IT.
Paul: Tonight, Captain…DCW is featuring its very FIRST “Who Can Stop Me?” challenge!
Eric: I sure hope this isn’t some Christmas special involving a gingerbread man.
Paul: Oh…actually…no, it isn’t, but you just gave me a great idea for the January issue, Eric!
Eric: Damn.
Paul: But, in the meantime, THIS month will feature the very first “Who Can Stop Me?” challenge.
Eric: What exactly IS a “Who Can Stop Me” challenge?
Paul: Mr. Domino, star of the hit game No One Can Stop Mr. Domino!, has laid down the challenge.
Eric: Uh, what? That’s a game? What era is that from.
Paul: I think it’s from…uhh…PlayStation? Hell if I know; I never played his crappy ass game.
Paul: He wants to live up to the name of his game, and he wants to do so by proving that he can defeat any challenger within 12 minutes and 45 seconds.
Eric: With a name like Mr. Domino and the claim that no one can stop him, he must be some huge crazy super villain, right?
Paul: I’m pretty sure he’s actually the hero of the game.
Paul: A good guy.
Eric: Super huge, menacing, badass good guy. Right?
Paul: He’s like, actually a domino.
Eric: Like….a Domino’s Pizza guy?
Paul: No, like a domino.
Eric: I see.
Paul: In any case!
Paul: You see that domino in the middle of the DCW ring?
Paul: That’s him.
Paul: And here comes his challenger for tonight!
Paul: A similarly-sized foe, you might remember him from such games as Katamari Damacy and We <3 Katamari.
Eric: I would have to have played those games in order to remember him, I’m thinking.
Eric: Let’s be honest: These guys just work really cheap, don’t they.
Paul: Well, we are still paying off our repair debt from the ring being set on fire by Diablo last month.
Paul: And there he is, ladies and gentlemen—the Prince of All Cosmos, rolling his katamari right into the ring!
Eric: Prince of ALL Cosmos, eh? That’s a pretty impressive title.
Eric: His worldliness might be too much for this tiny domino.
Paul: I’m pretty sure that gives him authority over you.
Paul: Not me, though.
Eric: I’d like to see him try to assert that authority.
Paul: Don’t mess with him, man—if that ball gets big enough, he can roll up entire continents.
Paul: Continents that are even LARGER than a domino.
Paul: If you know what I’m sayin’.
Eric: I’m picking up what you’re putting down.
Paul: If he’s allowed to use that katamari, I’m pretty sure Mr. Domino’s gonna be stopped pretty handily.
Eric: Of course, that ball is a foreign object and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the ring!
Paul: It’s already in the ring, though!
Paul: Referee Marty Jannetty calls for the bell, and this match is underway!
Paul: But before any fists can go flying, Marty kicks the katamari away.
Eric: Oh, look at the anguish on the mini-prince’s face! It looks like his whole gameplan just went bouncing out of the arena
Paul: Along with Marty’s shoe! Damn, those things are sticky.
Eric: Mr. Domino starts the action with a deadly spear right into the distracted Prince.
Paul: What a takedown! Domino goes for the early cover, but doesn’t even get a one count, as the spry Prince gets right back up to his feet.
Paul: Goes for a roundhouse right, which is blocked by Domino, who hits the Prince with a standing closeline.
Eric: And the Prince hits the mat yet again!
Eric: Domino works quickly and tries to apply his patented Indian sleeper hold.
Paul: The Prince is quickly fading…could this be the end already?
Eric: The ref lifts his arm up and lets it drop….
Paul: And it goes down…
Paul: …where it hooks the leg of Mr. Domino and takes him down!
Paul: Domino releases the hold on his collapse, and the Prince pounces! FIGURE FOUR!
Paul: HE’S GOT THE FIGURE FOUR ON MR. DOMINO.
Paul: That’s it—this match is over.
Eric: C’MON, LIL DOMINO! YOU CAN BREAK FREE.
Eric: Domino is scrabbling for dear life here, refusing to tap to this devastating maneuver.
Paul: He reaches the rope, and Marty Jannetty forces the Prince to break the hold!
Paul: The Prince grabs Domino by the legs, though, pulls him back into the middle of the ring, and applies the sharpshooter!
Eric: This can’t be good for the unstoppable one! Time is running thin!
Paul: Yikes! Look at that timer…five minutes have already elapsed!
Paul: He’s down to…uh..7…and…something.
Paul: I don’t do numbers.
Eric: Numbers are for losers.
Eric: The domino attempts to crawl to the ropes again, but to no avail—it’s just too far and the move is in too tight!
Eric: But what’s this! With all the strength that he can muster, Mr. Domino…REVERSES the sharpshooter!!
Paul: By GAWD! He really turned the tables on the Prince!
Paul: You know…the tables…the domino tables?
Paul: I bet there’s such a thing as dominos tables.
Paul: Never played the game outside of Yahoo, though.
Eric: I dunno if dominos is prestigious enough to get its own tables, Franzen.
Paul: The Prince is screaming in pain…I can barely stand to watch! He’s gonna…he’s gonna…he’s gonna tap ou–NO HE ISN’T!
Paul: He reached his hand up and poked the Mr. Domino in the eyes!
Eric: How legal is that!? NOT VERY!
Paul: With less than five minutes left to go in this “Who Can Stop Me?” challenge, Mr. Domino is temporary blinded, and stumbling around the ring!
Paul: Kick to the gut! STONE COLD STUNNER! THE PRINCE JUST HIT MR. DOMINO WITH A STONE COLD STUNNER! By GAWD!!!!
Paul: He goes for the cover!
Paul: One!
Paul: Two!
Paul: Thre–NO! KICKOUT!
Eric: And he gets his shoulder up in the nick of time
Eric: He does have shoulders, doesn’t he?
Paul: Most dominos do, Eric.
Eric: Your face does, Franzen.
Paul: BURRRRRRRNNNNNNN.
Eric: The Prince is still on the attack, Irish-whipping the domino into the turnbuckle.
Paul: And then he hits him with a reverse DDT!
Paul: The Prince climbs up to the top rope…BUT MR. DOMINO HOPS UP AND DELIVERS A DIAMOND CUTTER OFF THE TOP ROPE AND ONTO THE FLOOR!
Eric: BY GAWD! THAT WAS SPECTACULAR.
Paul: He goes for the pinfall!
Paul: ONE!
Paul: TWO!
Paul: THRE–MY GAWD! HOW!
Paul: HOW DID HE GET UP??
Eric: There is no quit in the Prince of all Cosmos!
Eric: There are only two minutes remaining.
Eric: Will this domino finally be stopped??
Paul: The Prince runs to the ropes, bounces off of him, and delivers a vicious splash to Mr. Domino!
Paul: Shades of the Ultimate Warrior!
Eric: Did you just say…”vicious splash”? How can one of those be vicious.
Paul: PINFALL! ONE, TWO, NO!
Paul: Dammit!
Eric: The fighters are back on their feet, circling each other, trying to feel out a weakness. However, this is a luxury that Mr. Domino cannot really afford.
Eric: Time is winding down.
Paul: There’s less than a minute to go, Regan!
Paul: Mr. Domino may be stopped in his very first challenge!
Paul: They keep circling…AND DOMINO GOES ON THE ATTACK!
Paul: He gets the Prince in a headlock, and he brings him down, HARD, to the mat.
Paul: 50 seconds!
Eric: He locks him in what I can only describe as…a…crippling…crossface-like maneuver! Where did thatcome from?
Paul: Ah! Shades of…well, let’s not go there.
Paul: 40 seconds! The Prince is writhing!
Eric: He flails his arms hoping—dreaming—of grabbing a hold of the ropes!
Eric: Too bad they are about 10 feet away.
Paul: 30 seconds!
Paul: He’s reaching his hands up!
Paul: And he’s….
Paul: He’s….
Eric: FIFTEEN SECONDS.
Paul: TAPPING OUT!!!!
Paul: HE’S TAPPING OUT!!!
Eric: Mr. Domino has not been stopped.
Paul: And, indeed, he may never be!
Paul: Marty Jannetty is raising the hand of Mr. Domino, the victor, in victory.
Paul: But is another challenge just around the corner?
Paul: How long can Mr. Domino go without being stopped?
Eric: FOREVER AND A DAY, baby!
Paul: Stay tuned to DCW to find out!
Eric: Or that.
Paul: And, in the meantime, that’s it for DCW this month! For the Captain, I’m Paul Franzen, and thanks for spending your worthy time with us.
