Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
When we last left our heroes, Render had gone flying off a cliff. Meanwhile, the “true narrator” of the story, Neo Narrator, arrived on the scene. He told Rivers that he, Rivers, was the “true hero” of the story and that he must move on to a new world that’s in dire trouble and save it.
Neo Narrator then created a portal to this new world, and that’s where you, the readers, came in. Where would this portal go? Was this portal, in fact, a lie? And what would Rivers have to do once he entered the portal, anyway? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this month’s episode of The Gates of Life!
Chapter Fifty-Two
Beautiful!
Rivers: Wow, look at all those giant forest cacti! And the sour apple lollipop ice fountains! And look, there are some dancing summer spring antelope butterflies! This place is a dream come true!
DNN: But it is not all lollipop ice fountains and dancing summer spring antelope butterflies, my son. Lately, a dark cloud of despair has descended upon this land.
Rivers: Oh, come on. Have you seen this place? I’ve never seen a happier land in all my life! Look, that flowing river over there? That’s not water. It’s Surge. How could anything ever be wrong here?
DNN: Things may be festive here, my son. However, if we travel along this path, we shall soon see the darkness.
DNN: And so, Rivers and his intrepid guide set forth onto the dandelion-coated path that led to the pure evil that was threatening this precious land.
Rivers: So you’re stuck doing actual narrating duty, too?
DNN: Yes, of course—Narrator is still back in our previous world, with Bar-Bar. Here, the duty falls upon my shoulders.
!MEANWHILE!
Bar-Bar: So this mean’s I’m the leader, right? Everyone else is gone.
Narrator: No.
Bar-Bar: No?
Narrator: No.
Bar-Bar: No?!
Narrator: No.
Bar-Bar: What the ASS is this?? There is nobody else left in this DAMNED story. Nobody!
Narrator: They’re not in this world, but they’re still in the story, you tool.
Bar-Bar: THERE IS NOBODY ELSE LEFT IN THIS WORLD. I AM THE RIGHTFUL LEADER.
Narrator: No.
Bar-Bar: ….
Bar-Bar: Uggggggggh, I don’t care what you say. I’m the leader. I’M THE BASTARD LEADER!!
Narrator: Why doesn’t anybody pay attention to the NARRATOR!
Narrator: If you’re not going to listen, then I guess you’re not going to hear this: As long as he‘s still around, you’re never going to be the leader.
Bar-Bar: !
!MEANWHILE!
Render Girl: –UCKING GODDAMMIT!
Render Girl: Where the hell am I now??
Render Girl: Friggin’ portals! Friggin’ portals. FRIGGIN’ PORTALS! I FREAKING HATE PORTALS! WHY! WHY WAS THIS NECESSARY!
Render Girl: WHY WAS THERE A PORTAL AT THE BOTTOM OF THAT ABYSS!!
Render Girl: WHO WOULD DO THAT??
!MEANWHILE!
DNN: Rivers and DNN traveled happily along the golden path of dandelions, stopping along the way to take in the apple-cinnamon-scented flowers, a brief musical number performed by a troupe of extremely talented chipmunks, and a little shop that was giving away free ice-cream sundaes.
Rivers: Those were some very happy chipmunks.
DNN: Yes, it would appear that way.
DNN: Come, my son. You need to save this world.
Rivers: *licks his ice-cream sundae and nods in agreement*
!MEANWHILE!
Bar-Bar: Him?? HIM?! He is not the leader! No! No GODDAMN WAY!
Narrator: I don’t know why I bother even narrating anything to you people anymore.
Bar-Bar: RENDER IS DEAD! I SAW HIM DIE.
Narrator: ….
Bar-Bar: I SAW him!
!MEANWHILE!
Render Girl: God DAMMIT!
Render Girl: These damn portals NEVER take you anywhere cool!
Render Girl: Where the hell am I even at?
Render Girl. Ugh. Jesus Christ. WTF. This blows.
Render Girl: I can barely even see anything…why’s it so dark in here?
Render Girl: How am I supposed to find any shards of broken glass, or a noose or something?
Render Girl: I guess I’ll just have to choke myself to death.
!MEANWHILE!
Rivers: How much farther? My feet are starting to hurt.
DNN: Ah, well, that is a pity.
DNN: Just as Rivers said that, however, he and DNN came across a free foot massage booth run by one of the most beautiful and well-endowed women Rivers had ever seen.
Rivers: Mmm….
!MEANWHILE!
Bar-Bar: WHAT?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE WAS A PORTAL!
!MEANWHILE!
Render Girl: So…this is pretty painful. Choking myself.
!MEANWHILE!
Rivers: Man, that felt soooooo good. I don’t ever want to leave here!
DNN: We must press on, my son.
!MEANWHILE!
Bar-Bar: He doesn’t even have a penis. How can he be the leader??
!MEANWHILE!
Render Girl: Uuuughhhhhh….
!MEANWHILE!
Rivers: Is that an entire forest of candy canes??
DNN: Later, my son. We are almost at our destination.
!MEANWHILE!
Bar-Bar: FINE! Fine, then. I must get to Render, and I must kill Render. How can I reach him?
!MEANWHILE!
Render Girl: Gghhhhrahrhhfhhrhhhh….
!MEANWHILE!
Rivers: So this it is?
DNN: Well, almost.
DNN: There’s just one more step we have to take.
Rivers: Fair enough. Which way do we go?
!MEANWHILE!
Bar-Bar: Narrator, I’m going to tell you what you’re going to do. You are going to narrate me to Render, you narrator.
Narrator: Well, that’s not exactly the plan, but I can get you there, sure.
Bar-Bar: About GODDAMN TIME. Let’s GO.
!MEANWHILE!
Render Girl: *passes out*
Which Gate Do You Choose?
This Gate is a Trap
DNN: Look up.
DNN: See that castle up there? We need to get to that castle.
Rivers: Why?
DNN: I’ll explain later, my son. Just climb aboard this giant antelope butterfly.
!MEANWHILE!
Render: *wakes up*
Render: Ugh…I’m still alive? God dammit. I guess I’ll have to find another way to die.
Render: Where am I, anyway? Some sort of castle?
!MEANWHILE!
Barin: Why didn’t you tell me ALL narrators have the ability to make portals? SONOFA…Let us get going to that BASTARD, you BASTARD.
Sea Bears’ Last Stand
DNN: Look down.
Rivers: Oh my GOD…that…that enormous lake…it’s absolutely brimming with Sea Bears!
DNN: Well, of course. This world I’ve taken you to…is the home world of the Sea Bears, and you have to destroy it.
DNN: We shall start with their mother base, and then move on to the candy cane forest.
!MEANWHILE!
Render: *wakes up*
Render: Ugh…I’m still alive? God dammit. I guess I’ll have to find another way to die.
Render: Where am I, anyway? Some sort of lake?
!MEANWHILE!
Barin: Why didn’t you tell me ALL narrators have the ability to make portals? SONOFA…Let us get going to that BASTARD, you BASTARD.
The Most Dangerous Game
DNN: Look into the distance, my son.
Rivers: It’s…it’s some sort of coliseum, yes?
DNN: Yes. And in that very coliseum, a sporting event is taking place.
Rivers: I’m not sure I follow.
DNN: Don’t you?
DNN: Let us just move onward.
!MEANWHILE!
Render: *wakes up*
Render: Ugh…I’m still alive? God dammit. I guess I’ll have to find another way to die.
Render: Where am I, anyway? Some sort of coliseum?
!MEANWHILE!
Barin: Why didn’t you tell me ALL narrators have the ability to make portals? SONOFA…Let us get going to that BASTARD, you BASTARD.
This poll ends on December 7.
