Digital Championship Wrestling: Cool Spot vs. The Hamburgler

Hello my beautiful gamefans, and welcome, once again, to Digital Championship Wrestling: your number one source for hot pixel-on-pixel action.

With content involving Tags , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.

Paul: Hello my beautiful gamefans, and welcome, once again, to Digital Championship Wrestling: your number one source for hot pixel-on-pixel action.

Eric: I somehow doubt that we are the number one source for that.

Eric: Just a vibe I get.

Paul: Yeah, actually, we aren’t.

Eric: Yeaaah. Now that’s the stuff.

Paul: That’s what she said.

Eric: Ouch. Just stop. Please.

Paul: Can that be my new thing? “That’s what she said” jokes are boss.

Eric: You’re a big fan of “Your momma is so fat” jokes, aren’t you Paul.

Paul: Either you set me up for this, or you’re about to be incredibly depressed.

Paul: I’m one of the biggest, Eric!

Paul: But not the biggest.

Paul: That honor goes to your mom.

Eric: ….

Paul: That’s probably the best thing I’ve ever written in GameCola.

Eric: Resign.

Eric: MOVING ON! I hear we have some sort of match.

Paul: A match! Yes, yes we do have a match tonight.

Paul: Tonight, in this very ring, we’re pitting two of the greatest videogame heroes in HISTORY against one another!

Eric: George Washington vs. Genghis Khan??

Paul: The match tonight does not have any historical figures from the “real” world, I’m sorry to say.

Paul: What it does have, however, is two HUGE names in gaming.

Eric: Yes, this is even better than REAL history.

Paul: I’m talking real, real huge…like your mom!

Eric: Wow. You are the jokemaster, my friend.

Eric: How do you come up with these things.

punsPaul: Thanks man!

Paul: I guess I just have talent.

Eric: Uh huh.

Paul: A huge amount of talent….

Eric: OH GODDAMMIT! One more damn fat joke and I will cut your vocal cords.

Eric: So! Who is it! Who are the two classic combatants we have lined up for tonight.

Paul: This match is gonna be epic, Eric!

Eric: I bet.

Paul: EPIC!

Paul: Oh, look! Our grapplers are already in the ring, and this match is underway.

Eric: Who! WHO is in the ring!


Paul: BAM! A vicious closeline, and that guy goes down! Goes for the cover, but he only gets a one count!

Eric: So we can rattle off fat momma joke after fat momma joke…

Eric: …but we cannot tell THE FAN what AMAZING characters you have lined up tonight!

Paul: Your mom really rattles the ground when she walks.

Eric: I just keep serving them up, and you keeping knocking them out of the park….

Eric: Oy.

Paul: He’s back up on his feet and nails the other guy with a headbutt! The other guy staggers, and the first one grabs him and throws him toward the ropes.

Eric: So, still not going to give up the names, eh.


Eric: Shall I tell the people want they need to hear, Franzen?

Eric: Should I unveil the EPIC identities of “that guy” and “the other guy”?

Paul: I don’t really see a need for that, Eric.

Paul: They’re both, technically speaking, videogame characters.

Paul: We can just leave it at that, yes?

Eric: No Paul, we really can’t.

Eric: It is NONE OTHER than the AMAZING Cool Spot and the genuine article, THE HAMBURGLER!

coolspotEric: SMELL THE EPIC!


Eric: Really? Because to me it seems they are milling around debating an afternoon nap.

Paul: And I’ll have you know that they’re both the stars of their own absolutely CLASSIC commercial tie-in videogames.

Paul: And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Eric: How much are you getting for this setup, Franzen.

Eric: How much does your SOUL cost.

Paul: Speaking of which, folks, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that this month’s DCW is brought to you by McDonalds.

Paul: Did somebody say McDonalds?

Paul: And by…7-Up!

Paul: Hey, Eric…make 7-Up yours!

Paul: Hah hah!

Eric: BY GAWD! A vicious left hand from the red-pog-looking guy! That generic bandit stereotype is really hurting.

Eric: The burger burglar seems to have recovered and lands a NIFTY dropkick to the shades of that red guy! SPECTACULAR.

Paul: You know what else is SPECTACULAR, Eric? Big Macs. Mmmmm.

Paul: I could really go for a nice BIG MAC right now.

Paul: Maybe wash it down with a 7-UP.

Eric: Paul Franzen, everybody! GameCola’s true dollarmenuaire.

Paul: Cool Spot has recovered, but not quite enough to dodge an uppercut from the wily Hamburgler. BAM! Another one! A kick to Cool Spot’s gut, and Hamburgler takes him by the head and tosses him outside of the ring.

Eric: Really? By his head? Does he even have a head? Or is he all body? Or is he all head? I’M SO CONFUSED.

Eric: The Hamster is now repeatedly jumping on the flat red guy. Oh, the humanity—just think of how dirty he is getting.

hamburgPaul: Marty Jannetty starts his ten count as theHamburgler brutalizes his opponent on the concrete.

Eric: EIGHT!

Eric: He better get up soon.

Paul: Eight?! What the hell?! How are we at EIGHT already?!

Eric: Marty counts fast!

Paul: If only your mom counted calories like Marty…er…counts people outside of the ring.


Eric: Wow, a complete failure by the menuaire!

Eric: It looks like through your ramblings both grapplers made it back into the ring.

Paul: They’re squaring off, and Cool Spot makes a quick dash to the turnbuckle to try for a high-risk maneuver…but it doesn’t pay off! The Hamburgler is right there behind him, powerbombing him right off the top rope and onto the mat.

Eric: BY GAWD! That was one…COOL SPOT!!



Eric: Shoot me.



Paul: I didn’t know you had it in you, Eric!

Paul: Maybe you’re a comic genius, too.

Paul: Just like me.

Eric: I want to die.

Paul: I guess I must be rubbing off on you, eh?

Paul: ….

Paul: That’s what she said.

Eric: I hate you.

Eric: ONE.

Eric: TWO.

Eric: THREE.

Eric: It’s all over.

Paul: WHAT?!

Paul: How!

Paul: Who pinned who?!


Eric: The Cool Spot could not get up after that vicious powerbomb.

Eric: It was just too much.

Paul: That’s what she said.

Eric: ….

Paul: Well folks, I believe that’s all we’ve got for you this month!

Eric: Pun free next month. I promise.

Paul: I’d like to thank our sponsors, McDonalds and 7-Up, without whom none of this would be possible.

Eric: You sold out! You sold out!

Paul: And I’d like you to please “have it your way” and…no, shoot, that’s Burger King…

Eric: You’re loving it, Paul.

Eric: You’re loving it.

Paul: Ba da ba da baaaah.


4 votes, average: 8.75 out of 104 votes, average: 8.75 out of 104 votes, average: 8.75 out of 104 votes, average: 8.75 out of 104 votes, average: 8.75 out of 104 votes, average: 8.75 out of 104 votes, average: 8.75 out of 104 votes, average: 8.75 out of 104 votes, average: 8.75 out of 104 votes, average: 8.75 out of 10 (You need to be a registered member to rate this post.)

About the Contributor

From 2002 to 2013

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *