Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Hello my beautiful gamefans, and welcome, once again, to Digital Championship Wrestling: your number one source for hot pixel-on-pixel action.
Eric: I somehow doubt that we are the number one source for that.
Eric: Just a vibe I get.
Paul: Yeah, actually, we aren’t.
Eric: Yeaaah. Now that’s the stuff.
Paul: That’s what she said.
Eric: Ouch. Just stop. Please.
Paul: Can that be my new thing? “That’s what she said” jokes are boss.
Eric: You’re a big fan of “Your momma is so fat” jokes, aren’t you Paul.
Paul: Either you set me up for this, or you’re about to be incredibly depressed.
Paul: I’m one of the biggest, Eric!
Paul: But not the biggest.
Paul: That honor goes to your mom.
Paul: That’s probably the best thing I’ve ever written in GameCola.
Eric: MOVING ON! I hear we have some sort of match.
Paul: A match! Yes, yes we do have a match tonight.
Paul: Tonight, in this very ring, we’re pitting two of the greatest videogame heroes in HISTORY against one another!
Eric: George Washington vs. Genghis Khan??
Paul: The match tonight does not have any historical figures from the “real” world, I’m sorry to say.
Paul: What it does have, however, is two HUGE names in gaming.
Eric: Yes, this is even better than REAL history.
Paul: I’m talking real, real huge…like your mom!
Eric: Wow. You are the jokemaster, my friend.
Eric: How do you come up with these things.
Paul: I guess I just have talent.
Eric: Uh huh.
Paul: A huge amount of talent….
Eric: OH GODDAMMIT! One more damn fat joke and I will cut your vocal cords.
Eric: So! Who is it! Who are the two classic combatants we have lined up for tonight.
Paul: This match is gonna be epic, Eric!
Eric: I bet.
Paul: Oh, look! Our grapplers are already in the ring, and this match is underway.
Eric: Who! WHO is in the ring!
Eric: TELL US THESE EPIC NAMES!
Paul: BAM! A vicious closeline, and that guy goes down! Goes for the cover, but he only gets a one count!
Eric: So we can rattle off fat momma joke after fat momma joke…
Eric: …but we cannot tell THE FAN what AMAZING characters you have lined up tonight!
Paul: Your mom really rattles the ground when she walks.
Eric: I just keep serving them up, and you keeping knocking them out of the park….
Paul: He’s back up on his feet and nails the other guy with a headbutt! The other guy staggers, and the first one grabs him and throws him toward the ropes.
Eric: So, still not going to give up the names, eh.
Paul: THEY’RE EPIC.
Eric: Shall I tell the people want they need to hear, Franzen?
Eric: Should I unveil the EPIC identities of “that guy” and “the other guy”?
Paul: I don’t really see a need for that, Eric.
Paul: They’re both, technically speaking, videogame characters.
Paul: We can just leave it at that, yes?
Eric: No Paul, we really can’t.
Eric: It is NONE OTHER than the AMAZING Cool Spot and the genuine article, THE HAMBURGLER!
Paul: AND BY GAWD, WHAT A MATCH THEY’RE HAVING RIGHT NOW.
Eric: Really? Because to me it seems they are milling around debating an afternoon nap.
Paul: And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Eric: How much are you getting for this setup, Franzen.
Eric: How much does your SOUL cost.
Paul: Speaking of which, folks, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that this month’s DCW is brought to you by McDonalds.
Paul: Did somebody say McDonalds?
Paul: And by…7-Up!
Paul: Hey, Eric…make 7-Up yours!
Paul: Hah hah!
Eric: BY GAWD! A vicious left hand from the red-pog-looking guy! That generic bandit stereotype is really hurting.
Eric: The burger burglar seems to have recovered and lands a NIFTY dropkick to the shades of that red guy! SPECTACULAR.
Paul: You know what else is SPECTACULAR, Eric? Big Macs. Mmmmm.
Paul: I could really go for a nice BIG MAC right now.
Paul: Maybe wash it down with a 7-UP.
Eric: Paul Franzen, everybody! GameCola’s true dollarmenuaire.
Paul: Cool Spot has recovered, but not quite enough to dodge an uppercut from the wily Hamburgler. BAM! Another one! A kick to Cool Spot’s gut, and Hamburgler takes him by the head and tosses him outside of the ring.
Eric: Really? By his head? Does he even have a head? Or is he all body? Or is he all head? I’M SO CONFUSED.
Eric: The Hamster is now repeatedly jumping on the flat red guy. Oh, the humanity—just think of how dirty he is getting.
Eric: He better get up soon.
Paul: Eight?! What the hell?! How are we at EIGHT already?!
Eric: Marty counts fast!
Paul: If only your mom counted calories like Marty…er…counts people outside of the ring.
Eric: Wow, a complete failure by the menuaire!
Eric: It looks like through your ramblings both grapplers made it back into the ring.
Paul: They’re squaring off, and Cool Spot makes a quick dash to the turnbuckle to try for a high-risk maneuver…but it doesn’t pay off! The Hamburgler is right there behind him, powerbombing him right off the top rope and onto the mat.
Eric: BY GAWD! That was one…COOL SPOT!!
Eric: Shoot me.
Paul: HAH HAH HAH.
Paul: I didn’t know you had it in you, Eric!
Paul: Maybe you’re a comic genius, too.
Paul: Just like me.
Eric: I want to die.
Paul: I guess I must be rubbing off on you, eh?
Paul: That’s what she said.
Eric: I hate you.
Eric: It’s all over.
Paul: Who pinned who?!
Paul: WHAT HAPPENED.
Eric: The Cool Spot could not get up after that vicious powerbomb.
Eric: It was just too much.
Paul: That’s what she said.
Paul: Well folks, I believe that’s all we’ve got for you this month!
Eric: Pun free next month. I promise.
Paul: I’d like to thank our sponsors, McDonalds and 7-Up, without whom none of this would be possible.
Eric: You sold out! You sold out!
Paul: And I’d like you to please “have it your way” and…no, shoot, that’s Burger King…
Eric: You’re loving it, Paul.
Eric: You’re loving it.
Paul: Ba da ba da baaaah.
Paul: GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY.