The Gates of Life: Episode 57 – Background Information: No Spooning Render’s 3 Lost Bros

PoCoN: Guess what? I’m not leaving! I’m the best narrator this story has, and the best writer of TGoL clearly agrees with me and is going to keep putting me in the story no matter how many times that other writer tries to puff me back to backstage.

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Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.

When we last left our heroes, we learned that a grave mistake had been made in their previous month’s adventures. You see, standard TGoL voting protocol had been violated, and, as a result, the wrong “Gate” had been selected as the winner. Thus, the TGoL Continuity Enforcer showed up to set things straight, saying that what happened last month couldn’t be considered official canon.

He told us which Gate had really won—and it was the Gate that gave Render his penis back. The TGoL Continuity Enforcer then said that he would answer any question about TGoL’s slightly confusing storyline, and that’s where you, the readers, came in. There were many, many options—Who was QM Girl? Why is Bar-Bar so hell-bent on being the hero? Why are there so many narrators?—and you can read on now to see what got answered.

Chapter Fifty-Seven: Featuring the following FOUR Winning Gates!:

Renders’ Lost Love

Render: Who, exactly, is QM Boy/Girl ? Where did he/she come from? What is he/she? What is his/her real name?

gatesBackground Information

Narrator: Where, exactly, are we? I mean in general. Is this whole story taking place in one planet? In one universe? What’s its name? What’s its like? I need to knowsomething about the environment.

Besides an Item in Super Mario Bros. 3

Render: What exactly is the Warp Whistle?

No Spoons Allowed

Enrique: Can Spoonlad be banned from the story?

PoCoN: Guess what? I’m not leaving! I’m the best narrator this story has, and the best writer of TGoL clearly agrees with me and is going to keep putting me in the story no matter how many times that other writer tries to puff me back to backstage.

Fans of TGoL: Fuck yeah! We love Matt as the writer so completely the best, it isn’t even a contest! All of his Decisions (Based on Information. Bess Rogers’s latest slash {holy shit that’s getting on my nerves, that’s gotta be at least the fourth time I’ve done the written out “slash” thing this month, and it wasn’t even funny the first time. I promise I won’t ado it again.} first album, in stores [and by stores I mean the Internet. Not actual stores] now) are completely reasonable and work the best for TGoL, even if he accidentally/(you’re welcome) lazily forgot/ignored our votes. We further want to recognize that his statements are always super-clear, never abuse brackets, parentheses, or whatever the hell these things are {}, and…use serial commas. Matt is awesome.

PoCoN: Exactly. And now to use my Matt-given powers of observation to start this week’s episode of the month, entitled “Background Information: No Spooning Render’s 3 Lost Bros.”

Render: Raise your hand if you knew there was going to be a super-tie this month, what with there being more Gates than readers.

Matt: *raises hand*

Render: Now raise your hand if you underestimated Matt’s ability to handle the task, and are going to be utterly blown away when he submits yet another amazing installment.

Paul: *raises hand*

PoCoN: Again for the record: Matt is pretty much the greatest. Paul agrees. Coincidentally enough, and very fortunately for Matt, the Warp Whistle has a very special power.

Render: Also fortunately, explaining said power takes care of one of the Gates!

PoCoN: Exactly! The Warp Whistle has the power to take the blower back to the beginning. To a place where enough mysteries will be explained to satisfy another of the four winning gates. Here’s another coincidence for you: The Warp Whistle is back, and Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora has it.

Render: Woo hoo! I’m gonna blow like I’m a Spoonlad in Enrique’s pants! And solve yet a THIRD Gate in the process, since explaining my origins will clearly explain QM Girl, since she had my penis up until yesterday!

Enrique: What about that whole banning Spoonlad from the story thing?

whistlePoCoN: Good news! If the Warp Whistle is used too many times, all of the utensils in the entire TGoL universe become inanimate!

Enrique: Give me the whistle.

Render: Hell no! *blows*

MoCoN: Welcome to the past, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora.

Render: Thank you P…wait, MoCoN?

MoCoN: Yes. In the past, I wasn’t the President of the Council of Narrators. I was merely a member.

Render: Oh, I see. Actually, wait, I don’t see. Why did your name revert, but I am still a captain?

MoCoN: You were always a captain.

Render: Really? What am I the captain of?

Female Fanbase: Our hearts! *swoon*

Render: Makes sense to me! Let’s move on.

MoCoN: Sure thing. See that obelisk over there?

Render: No. What obelisk?

MoCoN: That one.

Render: Oh, yes. I see it now.

MoCoN: Go over to that obelisk?

Render: It looks really far away…. Do I have to walk all the way over? This isn’t the Gaits of Life, you know.

MoCoN: Looks can be deceiving.

Render: That’s true! So now that I’m at the obelisk, what should I do?

MoCoN: Why don’t you ask the obelisk?

Render: Because it’s an obelisk, and not a receptionist?

MoCoN: This is no ordinary obelisk.

Render: Is it also a receptionist?

MoCoN: No.

Render: Then why would it be obligated to answer my questions.

MoCoN: It’s not obligated to do anything, but this is the kind of obelisk that enjoys answering questions.

Render: Why would it enjoy answering questions?

MoCoN: Look around. Do you see any other talking obelisks around? Do you see anything around?

Render: Does the floor talk? Is it made out of the same talking material as this obelisk?

MoCoN: No. The obelisk is made of dreams and souls’ eyes.

Render: And the floor is not made out of those things?

MoCoN: The floor is made of neither dreams nor eyes.

Render: Then what is it made of?

MoCoN: Linoleum.

Render: But not the normal, talking linoleum.

MoCoN: No. Special order linoleum that doesn’t talk. Can you please—actually, why am I asking? Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora talks to the obelisk.

Render: How’s it going, obelisk. How is the past treating you.

Obelisk: This isn’t the past for me. This is my present.

Render: Present? Oh snap it IS my birthday! I completely forgot about that! You rock, Obbie!

Obbie: I don’t have a present for you….

Render: God dammit, Obbie.

Obbie: Please, call my by my real name.

Render: You mean, Obelisk?

Obelisk: No…QM GIRL!!

Render: Sounds good.

QM GIRL!!: That’s it? Wait, I capped my name for dramatic effect, not because I wanted it to be printed like that.

Render: Dramatic effect?

QM Girl: Yes. You were supposed to be blown away by that shocking reveal.

Render: Honestly, since I got my penis back I haven’t been paying much attention to anything else.

QM Girl: Fair enough…I’ll just explain things to MoCoN, then. What did you want to know, Mocci?

Mocci: Well, I wanted to know four things. One, what is the Warp Whistle? We’ve covered that. Two, can Spoonlad be banned from the story? We answered that as well. Three and four are the ones I could use your help with. I need to know something about the overall location for TGoL. Is it all one world, or universe, or what? I also need to know more about your origins, Queuemigi

Queuemigi: Keeping with the theme of the episode, I’m going to murder two birds with a (recently) single stone. You see, I am the origins of this story.

Mocci: Oh, yeah?

queQueuemigi: Again, I was hoping for some sort of reaction.

Mocci: No way!

Queuemigi: Now you’re mocking me.

Mocci: I’m sorry. Please continue, I really want to hear the explanation.

Queuemigi: You know what? You’re a jackass. I’m glad Paul tried to send you back to the Council of Narrators.

Mocci: I said I’m sorry! What more do you want from me?!

Which Gate Do You Choose?

No Lips?

Queuemigi: I want the Warp Whistle.

Mocci: Can you even blow it with no lips?

Queuemigi: There is a lot of scraping and chaffing, but yes.

No Hands?

Queuemigi: I want the mighty sword Narratibolg, from your Council’s antechamber.

Mocci: I’m not even quite sure I know what an antechamber is.

Render: I’m pretty sure it’s a crappy place to keep mighty swords.

No Eyes?

Queuemigi: I want the magic flying shoes of Castle Greyskull.

Mocci: Castle Greyskull doesn’t have flying shoes in it.

Queuemigi: Oh yes it does. Get them for me, or you learn nothing.

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