The Gates of Life: Episode 58 – No Lips?

Queuemigi: I want the Warp Whistle.

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Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque epic that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.

When we last left our heroes, The TGoL Continuity Enforcer, after dismissing the previous month’s episode as noncanon, had agreed to answer some questions for us. Namely: Who is QM Girl (the origin of the story), what is the Warp Whistle (takes you back to “the beginning”), can Spoonlad be banned from the story (yes), and where is this story taking place. The final question has remained yet unanswered.

We were about to find out more about QM Girl—now known as Queuemigiwhen PoCoN/MoCoN/Mocci offended her, and that’s where you, the readers, came in. PoCoN had to make amends before the story could progress, but how would he do it? Would he give Queuemigi a powerful sword? Magical flying shoes? Or, perhaps, the Warp Whistle itself? Would that be enough? And would the setting of The Gates of Life finally be revealed? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this month’s edition of The Gates of Life!

Chapter Fifty-Eight
No Lips?

Queuemigi: I want the Warp Whistle.

Mocci: Can you even blow it with no lips?

Queuemigi: There is a lot of scraping and chaffing, but yes.

MoCoN: OK, there. There you go. Now will you explain how you’re the origin of this story?

MoCoN: It’s kind of my job to know these sorts of things.

Queuemigi: Oh, sure thing! But first, I want to see what’ll happen if I…

Queuemigi: Render! Grab on!

Render: *grabs onto Queuemigi*

Queuemigi: Oh! Goodness! *blushes and smiles* I suppose that’s an OK place for you to grab.

Queuemigi: *blows whistle*

Queuemigi: OUCH!!

PoCoN: The party felt a strange pulling sensation….

Render: Annnd…now we’re back…in the entirely floorless Castle of Wonderment?

PoCoN: In the present time, no less.

PoCoN: You can tell by looking at my name.

Render: And that’s why Queuemigi’s a person again now, instead of an obelisk.

PoCoN: Is it really “again”? I’m really confused about how time travel works.

Queuemigi: So I was right! Blow the Warp Whistle once, and it takes you to the beginning…blow it again, and it takes you right back!

PoCoN: Well, anyway… *poof*

Paul: Heh heh heh….

Render: Well, I sure am glad we got rid of that guy.

Render: Wait, am I? Why would I say that?


Enrique: Dude, no narrator. We might need a narrator.

Rivers: Oh yeah! Enrique’s here! Why is Enrique here? Last time we saw you, you were…actually, nope. I checked the story’s archive, and I can’t figure out what happened to you.

Enrique: Portal.

Render: It’s always a goddamn portal.

Rivers: Render! You double-crosser! Shouldn’t you be with the Narrators United Doom Squad?

Rivers: Maybe…maybe putting your newish penis too good use…with them?!

Render: Hey, for all you know, they might be chicks.

Rivers: Good point. Wait, where are they, anyway?

Rivers: Ha-ha! I see what happened! They left you here, didn’t they! They went to go take over the world, and they left you behind!

Rivers: Boy, don’t you feel foolish now. We are so gonna kick your ass.

Render: No you’re not. I’m your Captain.

Rivers: Good point. Welcome back to the team, Captain!

Rivers: And Queuemigi! Glad to see you, too.

Queuemigi: Oh, hi Rivers! I was about to explain to everyone about how I’m the origin of The Gates of Life.

Rivers: Oh, you are? That’s pretty cool.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Well, I can see that I’m not needed here any more.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Hopefully you kids won’t go causing any major contradictions while I’m gone, eh? Ha-ha-ha.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: See you–

Rivers: No! WAIT!

Rivers: WHAT?

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: What?

Rivers: What?!

Rivers: No, sorry, that’s not what I meant.

Rivers: Where?!

Rivers: WHERE!

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Where?

Rivers: WHERE ARE WE?!

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Where are we…ah! Ah yes, I was supposed to be telling you something of the setting of our story.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Hmmm….

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Well, it certainly hasn’t been decided upon in TGoL canon yet, has it? I think that means I get to decide!

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: It’s rare that we enforcers actually get to make anything up ourselves.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: OK, it’s OK, I think I’ve got this covered guys. To make things simple, let’s just say that the entire story has been taking place on one planet.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: And the name of that planet is….

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: ….

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: ….

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: ….

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Has there been a long enough dramatic pause yet?

Enrique: No. Longer.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: ….

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: ….

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: ….

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: …TGOL!

Render: ….

Enrique: ….

Render: No it’s not.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: It’s not?

Render: It’s definitely not.

Render: The name of this planet is not TGoL. That’s just stupid.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Oh! Then the name of this planet…is Franzardner.

Rivers: Hey, that’s pretty cool! Did you get that by combining the authors’ names? Trés creative.

Enrique: wtf.

Render: It’s definitely not Franzardner.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Why not!

Render: And it’s not called Gardzen, either.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: How did you…FINE! Then it’s called Ga–

Render: It’s not GameCola, either.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: What the hell!

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: One more try.

Render: No. No more tries.

Rivers: Why no more times? I like the way this guy thinks—let’s give him another chance.

Enrique: Ham.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Ham?

Enrique: Ham! The name of the planet is friggin’ Ham!

Render: Can everyone live with Ham?

Queuemigi: I’m a vegetarian.

Render: Wow, that must suck. OK, Ham it is.

Rivers: I thought the TGoL Continuity Enforcer was supposed to decid–

Enrique: IT’S FRIGGIN’ HAM!!

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Yes, yes, so you are on the planet Ham.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: It’s…er…a lovely planet.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Lots of trees…some oceans….

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Bunch of islands….

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Look, it’s a planet, OK? It has poles, hemispheres, deserts and icelands…the works.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Here, I tried to draw you a map of it, based on what we know from your travels thus far.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: It’s not a very good map…your narrator hasn’t done a very good job of marking your progress throughout the story.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: In fact, all I’ve got on the map is the island you’re on now…but that’s something, eh? I figure you can fill it out more as you journey onward.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Here it is:


Render: Uhh….It says TGoL on the map.

Render: That’s a reference to the name of the story, right? And not the name of the planet?

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Ah yes, well, yes, yes, that is true. But here, let me see that map again.


TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Ta-da! There we go. I think you’ll find that this is more to your, eh, liking.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: So you’re on the Isle of Fluff. You’re in the entirely floorless Castle of Wonderment, as established earlier in this chapter, so there’s really no need for me to mention it again.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: The island is a rather nice island. It’s got…er…things…. You know, you can just click here. We’ve already described it before.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Look, I’m no narrator, OK? And it looks like you don’t actually have one at the moment….

Paul: HEH! Damn right you don’t!

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: I’ve sent for a new one—hopefully he’ll show up soon.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Can I leave now? I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable.


Rivers: Drat. I was hoping the writer had forgotten about him.

Bar-Bar: Heh, unlikely. I am unforgettable.

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Ah, ah…Bar-Bar, is it? Well, what can I do for you?

Bar-Bar: We’ve had far plenty exposition this GODDAMMIT ASS-SCRUNCHIE month, don’t you think?

TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Well, yes, actually. What of it?

Bar-Bar: I am ready for some GOD DAMN action!

Bar-Bar: For BALLS’ sake, we even have a mission! I have to lead this band of BASTARDS to take on the Narrators United Doom Squad before they take over the world.

Bar-Bar: So let’s get on with it!

Render: I hate to agree with Bar-Bar, but…I do think it’s time for me and my crew to actually do something.

Everyone: ….

Everyone: ….

Everyone: ….

Newbie Narrator: Oh, gosh, that’s my cue, isn’t it?

Newbie Narrator: Sorry about that, guys! I’m sorry! Sorry!

Newbie Narrator: OK. *ahem* And so, the merry band of adventurers—Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora; Rivers of the Fusion Powers; Glorious Lord Enrique, Grand Master Barbarian Mage; Queuemigi, the Origin of Everything; and Bar-Bar—procured a ship and set sail once again.

Newbie Narrator: But where would they go? What grand journey would they undertake?

Newbie Narrator: That, my friends, is for you to decide.

Newbie Narrator: How was that? Was that OK?

Enrique: Not bad.

Which Gate Do You Choose?

Stay the Course

Render: I’m kinda pissed that those guys just left me here…and I guess saving the world’s OK.

Render: Anyone know where the NUDS HQ is? ‘Cause we should head there.

Rock the Boat

Render: You know what? Screw this. Someone else can take on the NUDS.  I’d rather just explore some of the uncharted parts of the map and see what we can find.

How It All Started

Queuemigi: Doesn’t anybody care about how I’m the origin of the story?!

This poll ends on July 7.

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