Rating your Wii Virtual Console collection.
Well, I figured it was time to write this article. With WiiWare and Virtual Console titles growing in number every week, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep everything you want on your Wii menu. Even though Wii hard drive space is only an issue for geeks and otaku, I figured it was time to do them a service and point out which titles should be ready to play without re-downloading them.
How to play: Grab your little sister or brother and tie them up. Grab a pen so you can write on their back or face to keep score. I know I usually tell you to grab a pencil, but pencils don’t write very well on siblings, and yes, I know this because I’ve tried. Below the title of the game will be point totals. If the game listed is currently on your Wii channel, you’ll gain plus points. If it’s not, you’ll be a loser among geeks and otaku, and the only thing you’ll have left is the joy of the mental aguish you’ve caused your sibling. Physical, too, if you write hard enough.
You start with +50 points of integrity because your sibling is smart enough not to hold me accountable for you tying them up and writing all over them.
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Don’t Own: -45
Why You Should Own It: This title is a freakin’ classic—that’s all there is to it. Excels all around and offers a long and rewarding experience.
Don’t Own: -40
Why You Should Own It: The first Mario title to hit the SNES has tons of stuff to explore; challenging levels; and great music, graphics, and gameplay. An all-star platformer. Yoshi is not annoying in this game, another big plus.
Don’t Own: -40
Why You Should Own It: Best RPG available on the VC. Excellent turn-based gameplay full of fun characters and an engaging story with great sound and graphics. Perfect for people who are obsessed with collecting things like cards.
Don’t Own: -35
Why You Should Own It: Incredible gameplay and atmospheric music make for a great platform experience. Tons of areas to explore and armor and upgrades to find, and a fine balance between pacing and challenge, make this an epic treasure that’s been locked away for far too long.
Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Don’t Own: -30 (see below)
Why You Should Own It: Yes, another Zelda title, but this one returns to the top-down roots of the first game. With improved graphics, sound, gameplay, weapons, and story, this one arguably tops the NES game in every way and also includes a length and depth of play almost unheard of in the SNES area. Only -5 if you owned this title on the SNES and the Game Boy Advance and you couldn’t bring yourself to purchase it a third time.
How’s your score looking so far? Have you accumulated all 265 points? Are you a jerk bunny douchebag with -140? Don’t look so down. It’s not like this score will be plastered on your forehead where it will be used to judge your merit as a human being every day! Have +5 points so you’ll stop crying.
Donkey Kong Country 1 -or- 2 -or- 3
Don’t Own: -20
Why You Should Own It: Solid run-and-jump platform games, although the first one lacks some of the options the sequels offer. Lots of variety offered, even though the graphics don’t stand up to the test of time. Also, if you have some Malt liquor, pour some out onto the sidewalk for Rare being Microsoft only.
Super Mario Bros. 1 -or- 2 -or- 3
Don’t Own: -25
Why You Should Own It: Again, classics. These games redefined the platform genre for years to come. Unfortunately, all the titles are dated and look and sound like the era they come from. They are still well put together and offer a solid retro gaming experience, even though some people don’t like to include the second title as canon since it was ripped off of a different game. I feel it still has to be here, since it is a part of the mystique and mythology of the whole North American experience with Super Mario Bros.
Don’t Own: -20
Why You Should Own It: A lot of charm and uniqueness found in this formerly import only title that never before made it to the States. Really one of the best action titles to make it on the VC, with decent graphics but an overall outstanding visual design. Definitely a gem for those looking for something new.
Sonic the Hedgehog 1 -or- 2 -or- 3
Don’t Own: -10 (see below)
Why You Should Own It: Flagship Genesis titles that make for a good platforming experience. Great soundtracks and fast-paced action. The first title doesn’t have much in the way of variety, but later titles have more options, and all of them are fun if you don’t mind obsessively memorizing stage layouts. -60 points if you don’t have any of these because you’re holding on to some kind of Nintendo fanboy Sega Genesis rivalry dating back to the 80s and early 90s. Time to grow up.
Don’t Own: –10
Why You Should Own It: Excellent level design, great gameplay, and a lot of frantic shoot-’em-up action. Best shooter available on the VC with a handful of different play modes makes this a must-have for shooter fans.
Are you carved out of wood yet, or are you a quivering pile of jelly? I think that smell is the trail of urine running down your leg, but yet we press on! Well, not so fast, Franco. There are some final calculations to make. If any of the games below are sitting on your Wii channels, no points are lost or added. These games are good filler to round out your collection, but none of them are must haves.
Fillers: ActRaiser, Bubble Bobble, Castlevania, F-Zero, The Legend of Zelda, Kirby’s Adventure, Neutopia 1 & 2, R-Type 3, Star Fox 64, Street Fighter 2, Super Mario 64.
Any other game currently on one of your Wii channels, -5 points.
Tally up all your points and go on a journey of self-discovery and disappointment!
-260 or less, Rotting Sea Bass. If you’re not purchasing any of these games, you’re probably not making use of the VC. Not making use of the VC and owning a Wii is like owning a house but only living in half of it.
-209 to -50, Slimy Goldfish. You’ve only picked up a few titles. You’re an embarrassing retro gamer unless you’re playing these on an emulator (FOR SHAME!), because two years ago that was what you had to do to play them.
-49 to 149, Popcorn Shrimp. Needs more work. If you ended up here, you probably only bought the classics you played as a kid. Come on, show some sense of adventure. Pick up Sin and Punishment and give it a try! Drop a few points on Sonic. It’s OK! Sega and Nintendo are BBFs now.
150 to 379, Fresh Sushi. You have a respectable collection of VC games, and you have shown responsibility in making your choices. Not everything can fit on your Wii channels, though, so you need to choose what you keep available. When you show off your Wii to potential mates you want to have sex with, you want to be able to show them the classics and things that will impress them. Sure, Wave Race 64 is a great game, but it needs to be relegated to a game you can redownload, not something that sits around taking up one of your precious few channels. If you’re missing any classics, pick them up already!
380, Top Shelf Sashimi. You are the kind of VC game owner who makes people swoon.
381 or more, Mathematical Powerhouse. You have found some way to add numbers in such a way that their sum is greater than their actual possible sum. Try again, moron.