The atomic bomb. Man’s greatest achievement. Like, ever, man. I mean, what else can blow up as much stuff as the atomic bomb? And, certainly, one can see that man’s sole purpose in this universe is to blow stuff up. It’s sweet.
Bikini Atoll was a place where a lot of stuff blew up a while ago. The atomic bomb was tested there for a long time. What could make it any better? Oh, that’s right: swimsuits. Bikini Atoll had swimsuits and atomic bombs. For decades, it was the best place on Earth.
Another place that was blown up with atomic bombs was Japan. Except that they don’t have swimsuits there. Instead, they have videogames, which are pretty sweet in their own way.
That’s when Japan decided to make its own bomb—of the videogame variety. This is where it all comes together. Except that no one really knows what an “atoll” is supposed to be, so they called it Lagoon instead.
It was a bad game.
However, this statement is slightly confusing, as Lagoon has many of the makings of a decent game. Considering what an early game it was for the Super Nintendo, it has excellent graphics. The maps are pretty decent, and the bosses have large, detailed sprites. It’s also an early game to have partially-animated cutscenes. Occasionally. The graphics, especially given the release date of the game, are a pretty sweet deal. Japan is superior in that respect.
However, America knows how to rock. Which is why they chose rock music for this game. Which is pretty sweet, I have to say. If you want a game to rock, then you need rock music. And, this game has a long-haired blonde guy with different colored eyes. The main character has purple eyes, but no one cares about him. The tough rival character guy with the long hair is a rockin’ dude who knows how to play the game. He should have been the main character. I think that the music would have been even better if he was the main character, since he looks like he knows how to rock. And, his name is Thor. I mean, how much more metal can you get?!
However, the controls really kill the game. Really. Like, worse than the atomic bomb killed like whales and stuff when they kept blowing them up in the ocean. Your sword reaches approximately one entire pixel, which, when you start to play, you just kind of pass off as being “well, I’m only using a short sword. Maybe it’ll get better.” But, no. That’s just a trick to get you to keep playing the game. It never gets better. For the entire game, your only boss strategy is to stand on top of them and hopefully take less damage than you give. Which is unlikely in some cases. I’m not kidding, either. Jumping also seems to be tacked on and mostly just leads to death. Thanks, Japan.
However, there are some really cool things about this game. Like the fact that all the bosses explode when you kill them. Like the atomic bomb. Ignore the fact that a giant monster is exploding on top of you. It’s awesome. Also, you get different elemental crystals and different elemental staves, which you combine to make different spells, which is a totally cool idea, dude. I mean, the spells are never useful and can’t be used on bosses, but it’s the thought that counts. And, you can imagine that most of the budget went into making rockin’ music. So don’t ask for much else.
However, that seems to be about all that Lagoon has going for it. Rockin’ music and a few partially-animated cutscenes. And some pictures of characters when they’re talking. Sometimes.
No atomic bombs. Not even any swimsuits.
I mean, there are a lot of explosions. But that doesn’t make up for horribly slow text. Or one-pixel hit detection. Or useless spells or having to guide some loser who walks half the speed that you do through a dungeon or having to follow a guy that walks half the speed that you do through a field or having to figure out how to complete a bunch of unexplained quests that you didn’t know existed in order to move on to the next area.
This game ranks up there with 7th Saga when it comes to the distance between the good and the bad. On the one hand, the graphics and music are amazing. On the other hand, the gameplay is awful and there’s nothing that really makes you want to play the game, aside from the rockin’ music and the wish that you could play as the blonde guy with the huge shoulder pads. He is cool.
All in all, it’s a good game if you like the Wii, because it’ll make you throw your controller at the screen a lot. If you’re like me and enjoy games that have lame 90s J-Fantasy plots and bad hair metal music, then you will also enjoy this game.
However, if you like games that are fun to play and don’t encourage you to grind for hours in order to get pointless items, don’t play Final Fantasy VII. But, don’t play Lagoon, either. Play with atomic bombs, instead. Killing things is cool.