Paris Hilton’s Diamond Quest (Mobile)

Really, now. Paris Hilton has been licensed to appear in a videogame? “Wow, this has got to be abysmal at best,” I thought. But you shouldn’t run entirely on first impressions, for Paris Hilton’s Diamond Quest is actually a very enjoyable game, even if it has that slutty whore copy-pasted everywhere.

The main premise behind Diamond Quest is that Paris Hilton is globetrotting, gallivanting across the Earth’s cities in order to obtain colored jewels and various other bling for her and for her dog, Tinkerbell.

Isn’t that already what she does?

You play as yourself, I guess. You don’t have any visual representation, but Paris talks to you as if you’re particularly trying to woo her into some kind of bad romance. The goal is to complete several sets of five challenges, which range from collecting particular jewels to finding the hidden letters of her name.

Each challenge can be completed in Bronze, Silver or Gold time, resulting in the associated medal. Various achievement-styled tasks result in unlocking photographs of the talentless bint, which I suppose only serves as a form of lengthening the overall play-time.

Wow, what an ingenious bit of wordplay.

Sufficed to say, Paris Hilton’s Diamond Quest hides a lot of comfortable, very well-realized Bejeweled-style scenarios—but each of the five challenges has its own twist—plus a sixth challenge. Between every odd-numbered city in the Gem Challenge mode, a special challenge is started, which relies on finding pairs (referred to as “Forget-Me-Not”s).

There are a slew of other play modes, plus Gameloft’s own trend, the “Instant Action” mode. Choosing this throws you directly into a challenge and serves as a quick method of gaming—perhaps if you are too impatient to traverse one or two menus.

Paris Hilton’s Diamond Quest doesn’t offer Bluetooth multiplayer, which would have been a good addition. Other lacking areas include the Audio—which is very limited, considering what else I have played on the mobile platform.

There are a number of unlockables that you can continue to obtain through playing challenges, but once the story mode is complete, you’re unlikely to play further. It is, for all intents and purposes, a basic puzzle game and a vehicle for Paris Hilton.

Personally, I think she’d be much better off as the kick-ass lead heroine in a Death by Degrees styled action game—her abilities could be augmented by the jewellery she has equipped. She could sic Tinkerbell on unsuspecting victims—and turn their hearts into powerful weaponry.

Paris Hilton’s Cubic Zirconia. There’s Hell, and then there’s Hilton.