The Lowdown on the 3DS

The poorly-informed movie reviewer returns to GameCola, to tell us about the 3DS.

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3dsNintendo has released a video promoting their new videogame system: the 3DS. The video features “real life” people, giving their “real life” responses to the amazing 3D graphics…but if you look carefully during the video, you will see that none of the people are actually using the system. They are simply holding it and pretending that it’s on. That’s close enough to real life, right?

This video raises many question. What’s the deal with the 3DS? Is it a system made for people who don’t play videogames? Is it a system for gamers who only care about graphics? Or is this just an elaborate prank? I wanted to find out more, so I decided to check in with the only videogame news source that I support: the movie reviewer who doesn’t play videogames. After writing his recap for the 2011 Oscars, he wrote two whole articles about the 3DS this week, with help from Nintendo’s press release.

1. First off, the 3DS has six gyros in its axes. The movie reviewer does not explain what this means, but it sounds dangerous.

2. The 3DS comes with amazing Internet technology, which works even when the system is turned off. The idea behind this is to make Internet downloads easier. For example, in Dragon Quest 9, you can manually connect to the Internet and download bonus levels. The 3DS will automatically connect to the Internet and download the bonus material for you. Even though you’re not playing the game. Even though you didn’t ask it to. Even though the system is turned off at the time.

The movie reviewer thought this was a great idea, but personally, I think it’s a little strange. I don’t like the idea of my possessions connecting to the Internet and downloading things without my permission. Especially because there’s no way to prevent this from happening. What’s going to prevent my 3DS from going out of control and downloading a bunch of horrible junk I don’t need?

3. The 3DS will not only connect to the Internet, but it will also connect to other 3DSes. Say you walk by a coffee shop. The 3DS which is in your backpack will automatically connect to every 3DS in the store. They will trade information, like characters from Dragon Quest 9. This will happen for up to sixteen games at once, but the 3DS doesn’t even have sixteen games yet, so there’s no need to worry about hitting this limit.

4. The 3DS has a pedometer. It keeps track of how many steps you take while using the 3DS, and gives you e-coins as a result. You can use e-coins as currency in videogames like Dragon Quest 9, and jeez, that’s the third time the movie reviewer has mentioned Dragon Quest 9. Hasn’t he played any other games this year? Like, I dunno, the Pokemon games which inspired the pedometer feature?

As for me, I don’t think the pedometer is a very good idea, simply because it’s impossible to play the DS while outside. The glare from the screen is too difficult to work with. I can’t imagine that a 3D screen is going to make this glare problem any better.

5. The 3DS comes with Augmented Reality cards, which are apparently the coolest thing since Indiana Jones IV (which the movie reviewer gave a two out of five). He is definitely going to play with the AR cards instead of playing the games for the system.

In conclusion, the 3DS has creepy ninja powers. It will connect to the Internet and other 3DSes, without your permission and without your knowledge. Even if you turn the system off, it will do these things. If they ever decide to go rogue and attack us with their axes, we are in big trouble.

Also, the coolest part about the 3DS is its pedometer and the AR cards, not any of its games or the fact that it’s in 3D.

[Article reprinted from Michael Gray’s blog.]

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About the Contributor

From 2007 to 2016

Michael Gray is a staff writer for GameCola, who focuses on adventure games, videos and writing videogame walkthroughs.

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