Phoenix Grows a Beard
The Epic Adventure of Phoenix Wright’s Facial Hair
And His Attempt to Avoid Bachelorhood-for-Life
Brought to you by GameCola.
Well, that sucked, Phoenix Wright thought to himself as he slowly walked back home after yet another unsuccessful blind date.
Things had started off well enough, mind you. They chatted for a bit about their lives and their jobs, but when Phoenix noted a minor contradiction in what the young woman said, he shouted “OBJECTION!”, purely out of habit.
Things went downhill from there.
Why is it that a goofball like Larry has no problem getting girlfriends, while I struggle to get a second date? Phoenix wondered. I mean, no offense to Larry, but I think I’d make a much better boyfriend than him!
All through that night, Phoenix kept comparing himself to Larry, trying to figure out why Larry was more popular with girls. Nothing made sense, though. Larry dressed like a slob, while Phoenix always wore a stylish suit. Larry couldn’t hold down a job, while Phoenix owned his own law firm. Larry had a bad habit of breaking things, while the only thing Phoenix ever broke was Manfred von Karma’s perfect win record.
Phoenix’s cell phone rang, interrupting his thoughts.
“Hey, Nick! How was the date?” a cheerful voice said.
“Hey, Maya,” Phoenix said. “It was horrible. She left to go to the bathroom after ten minutes, and she never came back.”
“Jeez, really?” Maya asked. “That’s the third date this month that you’ve screwed up, Nick!”
“Hey, I didn’t screw it up!” Phoenix said.
“Whatever, Old Man,” Maya said. “But like I said, you’re on your own from now on. I don’t know anyone else in LA that I can set you up with!”
“Thanks for the help anyway,” Phoenix said glumly. Man, he never thought he’d see the day where he was getting dating help from Maya. When did his life go so far downhill?
“Yeah, she was the last new girl to join the training dojo we have here,” Maya said. “Maybe Mystic–”
“Hey, do you think Larry is cuter than me?” Phoenix interrupted.
“What?” Maya asked. “Oh no, you are not trying to set me up with Larry. What kind of idiot do you think I am?”
“What? No!” Phoenix said. “I meant–”
“Both you guys are, like, ten years older than me,” Maya said. “That’s super gross, Nick.”
“Maya!” Phoenix said. “That’s not what I’m talking about! I just was wondering if you thought Larry is better-looking than me, because every other girl in town seems to think so!”
“Have you thought about moving to Chicago?” Maya asked. “Maybe there are some girls there who haven’t heard of you.”
“Very funny,” Phoenix said. “I gotta go now. Later.”
Phoenix hung up on Maya and turned his phone off before she could call back. He kept on grumbling to himself about women, and by the time he got back to his apartment, he was exhausted even though it was still 8:00 PM.
Phoenix went to bed early. He couldn’t sleep, however; he was too worried. He just lay in bed, thinking deeply about things.
It took two hours for Phoenix to realize what it was that ladies saw in Larry.
It has to be the beard, Phoenix realized. Larry’s got a goatee, and I have no facial hair at all. There is nothing else that could possibly make him more attractive than me.
And that’s why Phoenix Wright decided to grow a beard.
One week later…
“Hey, Nick!” Maya said. “Sorry I haven’t been–ACK!”
“Hey, Maya,” Phoenix said. “Long time no see. I guess you’ve been too busy–”
“Wha–what is that on your face?” Maya asked, pointing a shaky finger at Phoenix’s upper lip.
“This? It’s my mustache,” Phoenix said. “Do you like it?”
“That is not a mustache,” Maya said. “I’ve seen mustaches before, and they are not that horrifying.”
Phoenix rolled his eyes. He was pretty sure that Maya had never seen a mustache before, outside of a Super Mario videogame. “I don’t care if you don’t like it,” he said. “I’m going to grow it out. I think it’s cool.”
“We are going to lose the trial if the Judge sees you like that,” Maya said.
“The Judge happens to be a proud supporter of facial hair!” Phoenix said. “And besides, I need a new look. A mustache is the way to go.”
“Yeah, if you want to look like a drunken hobo!” Maya said.
Phoenix stroked his Mighty Stache of Awesomeness, which was a little scruffy. “You’ll see, Maya! This mustache is only going to help our chances in court!”
Twenty minutes later…
“This court finds the defendant GUILTY!” the Judge decreed.
“What?” Phoenix cried.
“No way!” Maya said.
Miles Edgeworth shook his head at Phoenix from across the courtroom. “Looks like you picked the wrong person to defend this time, Wright!”
“Next time, I get to screen the client,” Maya told Phoenix.
“Today is an off day for you,” Edgeworth continued. “You forgot to shave, and you forgot to bring a coherent argument!”
“OBJECTION! Lay off the stache!” Phoenix cried.
The Judge pounded his gavel three times. “You didn’t let me finish!” he said. “This court finds the defendant guilty…OF BEING INNOCENT!”
“WHA-WHA-WHAAAAA?” Phoenix cried.
Edgeworth slammed his fist down. “Your Honor! This is a courtroom, not a comedy club! There is no room for making jokes here!”
“My apologies,” the Judge said. “I just thought I’d try to lighten the mood a little bit.”
“So wait, which one is it?” Phoenix asked. “Innocent or guilty?”
“Oh, he’s definitely guilty of returning his library book late,” the Judge said. “Five-hundred dollar fine. Next case!”
“Wow, the judge really threw the book at our client,” Maya said.
“Too bad he didn’t throw the library book,” Phoenix said. “We’re probably not going to get paid for this case, now.”
“It’s all the fault of that stupid mustache!” Maya said. “The judge saw it, so he decided to rule against us!”
“The judge isn’t that fickle,” Phoenix said. “And besides, I grew this mustache to help attract women, not elderly men!”
“No woman would ever be attracted to a man with a caterpillar on his lip!” Maya insisted. “I’m a woman, so I would know!”
“Oh, yeah?” Phoenix said. “If you’re an adult, why do you still watch kids shows all the time?”
“The writing on those shows is much better than primetime TV!” Maya said. “And besides, we know the actors in half those shows! I’m just supporting our friends!”
“Oh, sure, that’s exactly–” Phoenix said.
“Excuse me, Mr. Wright,” a soft voice said.
Phoenix looked up to see a blonde bombshell dressed in a blue uniform. She would have looked very professional, except that the top few buttons of her shirt were unbuttoned.
“I’m so sorry to interrupt,” she said. “But I just have to speak with you.”
“You do?” Phoenix asked.
“I’m Lila Lovely,” she said. “I’m one of the bailiffs here.”
“I…I see,” Phoenix gulped. He never knew it was possible for someone to look so attractive in a bailiff’s uniform. “What can I do for you, Miss Lovely?”
The Lovely woman got closer to Phoenix, almost too close. He wasn’t used to women invading his personal space like that.
Maya coughed, which sounded suspiciously like, “Sleaze!”
“Oh, I think there’s a lot you can do for me,” she said in a husky voice.
This is a dream, right? Or a practical joke? Phoenix wondered. Because there’s no way this is really happening.
The woman wrapped her leg around Phoenix’s and ran a finger across his mustache. “I was wondering if you want to go out to dinner after my shift ends at six tonight? The three of us could go together.”
Maya fainted from shock.
“Of course!” Phoenix said. “I’d love to–wait, the three of us?”
“Just you, me, and the mustache.” Miss Lovely said.
“I’ll bring my hairy lips if you bring your non-hairy lips,” Phoenix said. It wasn’t exactly the smoothest line ever, but it was the best thing Phoenix could think up on the spot.
“My lips belong only to you,” she said. And as if she wanted to prove it, Lila brought her mouth up to Phoenix’s and–
“AHEM!” someone said loudly.
Phoenix turned his head around to see an angry Miles Edgeworth staring daggers at him.
“Do you think you could save your romantic rendezvous for when you’re not in public?” Edgeworth demanded.
“Uh, sorry!” Phoenix said, peeling Lila’s body off of his. “I didn’t mean to–”
“It’s OK,” Lila said. “Sometimes when I’m around handsome men, I just can’t help myself.”
“This is highly irregular behavior for a bailiff!” Edgeworth said.
“Here’s my phone number,” Lila said, pulling out a piece of paper from her pocket and handing it to Phoenix. “Keep it…safe.”
“I’ll keep it close to my heart,” Phoenix said.
Edgeworth clutched his chest, as if Phoenix’s corny line actually caused him physical pain.
“Oh, and the Judge wants to see you in his chambers,” she said. “He’s not the only one, though…”
Phoenix grinned, and Edgeworth frowned. “Are you quite finished?” he demanded.
“I guess Mr. Grumpy wants me to go,” Lila said. “See you tonight at six…”
“See you!” Phoenix said, waving as she left.
“I cannot believe how unprofessional you are acting today!” Edgeworth said.
“Ha!” Phoenix said. “I just got a date tonight!”
“Your assistant is unconscious,” Edgeworth noted.
“You’re just jealous because you haven’t had a date in over a year!” Phoenix said.
“Who told you?” Edgeworth demanded. “Um, I mean, nice try, Wright! But you have no proof to back up your statement!”
Phoenix raised an eyebrow at Edgeworth.
“My last six dates were all either murdered or accused of murder,” Edgeworth said. “Two of them were found guilty. …It’s sort of ruined my chances on the dating scene.”
“Wow, trouble really follows you around, doesn’t it?” Phoenix said. “Maybe you should try growing a mustache.”
“Everywhere I go, it seems like someone gets killed,” Edgeworth agreed. “And I think you should shave that mustache!”
“Not when it just got me a killer date!” Phoenix said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the Judge’s chambers!”
By the time Phoenix returned from the Judge’s chambers, Maya was awake again.
“Nick, I had the craziest dream,” she said. “I thought that a girl asked you out on a date, because she liked your mustache!”
“That’s not true,” Phoenix said.
“Phew!” Maya sighed. “Because I knew that your mus–”
“Three girls asked me out, because they like my mustache!” Phoenix said.
“Wha-wha-wha-whaaaat?” Maya cried.
“It’s true,” Phoenix said. “I got lost on the way to the Judge’s chambers, and I ended up meeting this beautiful lady judge who asked me out. Man, I wouldn’t mind being the attorney for one of her trials! And when I asked a security guard for directions, she asked me out, too!”
“You–you have GOT to be kidding!” Maya said. “There is no way that three women would think an ugly guy like you is attractive!”
“Thanks for the ego boost,” Phoenix grumbled. “And I’m telling you, it’s the stache! Ladies love the stache!”
“It’s more likely that all the women in the courtroom are having a competition to see who can get the worst date,” Maya said.
“Jeez, why do you hate my mustache so much?” Phoenix asked.
“It’s ugly and stupid!” Maya said.
The two of them argued for a little while, until Maya remembered that Phoenix just visited the normally off-limits Judge’s chambers.
“So what did the Judge say, anyway?” Maya asked.
“He thinks I should try growing a stache and beard combo, like he has,” Phoenix shrugged. “It’s not that big of a–”
Not looking where he was going, Phoenix accidentally bumped into a short young woman.
“Ooomph!” she cried. Her possessions went flying everywhere.
“Oh gosh, I’m sorry!” Phoenix said. He squatted down and started grabbing things. “Let me help you pick those up!”
“You big buffoon!” the woman said. “Why don’t you look where you’re going?”
“Hey, I said I was sorry,” Phoenix said, looking up at the woman. “If you don’t–”
“Oh!” she said, looking at Phoenix’s mustache. She brought a hand to her mouth. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to snap at you! Let me make it up to you, by taking you to lunch!”
“He’s with me!” Maya said, grabbing Phoenix’s arm.
“No, I’m not!” Phoenix said. He pulled out a business card and gave it to the woman. “Call me!” he said, as Maya dragged him away.
“Jeez, Maya, what’s your problem?” he asked.
“Problem? I don’t want some trampy brownette trying to get her claws into my business partner!”
“Did you just say ‘brownette’?” Phoenix asked.
“Yeah, it means woman with brown hair!” Maya said. “Like a brunette, only brown!”
“I think you just made that up,” Phoenix said.
“I read it in a book somewhere!” Maya said.
“You can read?” Phoenix asked.
“You’re a jerk, Nick!” Maya said. “And you need to shave!”
Three weeks later…
Phoenix did not shave. Instead, he took the Judge’s advice, and he grew out his beard. Soon, Phoenix’s beard and mustache combo was attracting all sorts of attention.
Phoenix was loving it. Normally, whenever anyone looked at him, all they saw was his spiky hair. Now, all people saw was his awesome facial hair.
Long gone were the days when Phoenix had to practically beg girls for dates. Now, he had a date every night of the week. Sometimes, even two dates per day! Phoenix knew that he should stop being a playboy and try to settle down with one of his new female acquaintances—several of them were good enough to merit multiple dates—but Phoenix was too overwhelmed by the knowledge that actual women liked him!
“Another trial won!” Phoenix said happily, as he and Maya left the courtroom. “Once again, the beard saves the day!”
“I’ve told you a million times, the beard is not helping us win trials!” Maya said angrily.
“But it is,” Phoenix said. “The Judge and I have a beard connection going on, and that’s definitely helping. Haven’t you noticed that he doesn’t give me penalties anymore?”
“I did notice that,” Maya muttered. “But it’s just a coincidence!”
“Coincidence, nothing!” Phoenix said. “This beard is the greatest thing that ever happened to me!”
“I should shave it off in your sleep,” Maya said.
“Ah, come on, Maya!” Phoenix said. He gave a wink toward Lila Lovely the bailiff as they continued walking. “Why can’t you be happy for me? I’ve had more dates in the past month than I’ve had in the past five years!”
“I…it just bothers me, that’s all,” Maya said. “Everyone’s treating you different now. I liked it better before cheap girls started throwing themselves at you.”
Phoenix stroked his beard thoughtfully. “Actually, I was thinking of shaving…once I got a steady girlfriend, that is,” he said.
“Then get a girlfriend, quick!” Maya said. “I want the old Nick back!”
“Jeez, I haven’t changed that much,” Phoenix said. “…Have I?”
“Phoenix Wright!” a loud voice snapped.
“Franziska von Karma,” Phoenix said, turning around to face the Prodigy Prosecutor. “Tough luck in the courtroom, huh? Looks like I beat you again!”
“I don’t care about that, you fool!” Franziska said, snapping her whip on the ground. “I just want to know one thing!”
Phoenix gulped. An angry woman with a whip is a dangerous thing. “Y…yes?” he asked.
“When did you get so…handsome?” Franziska asked delicately. She reached out her hand and stroked his beard. “You are a sexy, sexy beast, Phoenix Wright, and I want you to be my boyfriend.”
The scream that came from Phoenix’s mouth could be heard from six-hundred feet away.
“MUST! SHAVE! NOW!” Phoenix shouted, running for the nearest exit.
Franziska put her hands on her hips. “I don’t believe it!” she said.
“It worked!” Maya said. She pulled some money out of her pocket, then gave it to Franziska. “Here’s your twenty bucks. Thanks for helping me out with that.”
“You’re welcome, Maya Fey,” Franziska said. “Although I must admit, he does look somewhat less foolish with that beard.”
“I don’t care,” Maya said. “I can’t stand that stupid thing.”
Phoenix shaved off his beard as soon as possible after that. He was relieved to find that once he was clean-shaven, women went back to ignoring him.
“Sometimes, it’s good to be dateless,” Phoenix said. “I don’t know why I ever felt jealous of Larry.”