[NSFW] Uncraft Me! (XBLIG)

One of the many titles on Xbox Live Indie Games in the "Games that Feature Cleavage" genre.

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  • System: Microsoft Xbox 360 - Xbox Live Indie Games
  • Genre: Platformer
  • Max Players: 1
  • Age Rating: Teen 13+
  • US Release: June 26, 2013
  • Developer: Team Shuriken
  • Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios

Ever seen Attack of the Clones? Remember that scene where Artoo uses his rocket boosters to soar across the droid factory and save Padmé from being entombed in molten metal?

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You all get a +1 morale bonus just for reading this.

Right, now imagine a game centered around that, except instead of Padmé you’re trying to save a succession of scantily-clad anime goddesses(or cute li’l kitties!) from apparently being cubified forever. Congratulations, you’ve got Uncraft Me!.

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Jetpack Joyride meets Girls Bravo.

Uncraft Me! is simple enough. Your pixel-man flies on his pixelated jetpack around a pixelated world finding checkpoints and dodging lava, missiles, lasers, and sawblades while climbing to the rocket launcher which frees the decidedly un-pixelated goddesses from their filmy prison. It’s certainly well-done—the level design has had serious thought put into it, the gameplay and controls work well, and it rewards you nicely at the end of each stage with a full picture of the goddess you just saved.

It starts to suck you in a bit. You want to see all these goddesses rescued, and likely imagine what kind of reward your character is getting here. You begin to consider playing the game one-handed, but something stops you. Look, you need to concentrate a little harder now. Those saws are placed more and more strategically. It’s harder to get through all the lasers. You begin to want to dismantle the next model rocket you see.

Yeah, Studio Team Shuriken didn’t put all their creative energy into designing the goddesses. The levels get harder and harder and harder and FUCKING HARDER until you feel you’re playing blindfolded chess with Kasparov. It’s a nightmare to try to get through the last levels; you will want to fling your controller through the screen.

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AGGGH DAMN YOU GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEEE!

Overall, it’s a decent game. It’s entertaining and definitely challenging, at least until it becomes a goddamn Mensa exam in the later levels. If you’re a fan of repeatedly dying over and over again in an attempt to see some T&A, I heartily recommend this game, worth 80 Microsoft Points on Xbox Live. It’s pretty short, but if you’re anything like me, you’ll be able to stretch out the last couple of levels by crashing into rockets 50,000 times and ripping your hair out. Fun!

  • GameCola Rates This Game: 6 - Above Average
5 votes, average: 8.20 out of 105 votes, average: 8.20 out of 105 votes, average: 8.20 out of 105 votes, average: 8.20 out of 105 votes, average: 8.20 out of 105 votes, average: 8.20 out of 105 votes, average: 8.20 out of 105 votes, average: 8.20 out of 105 votes, average: 8.20 out of 105 votes, average: 8.20 out of 10 (You need to be a registered member to rate this post.)
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About the Contributor


From 2013 to 2013

7 Comments

  1. I still can’t get over the seemingly sudden decision by everyone to start calling him “Artoo.” Back in my day we just wrote it like “R2.” Has it always been like this? Am I just crazy?

      1. According to basically every Star Wars novel ever written, it’s “R2” when referring to a designation (“that R2 unit over there”), and “Artoo” when referring to the character by name (“Artoo! Come back here!”).

        1. Ok, that kind of explains my comment that I started writing before you made your comment and completed after you finished yours.

    1. When I was about 10 or 11, I picked up a Star Wars novel at a thrift store. I remember being really confused because they spelled the names Artoo-Deetoo and See-Threepio. This was like 15+ years ago and the book was old at that time… But, I also thought it was really weird then. Not sure why it’s making a comeback!

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