Welcome to Inside the Guide, the column that gives you a behind-the-scenes look at writing videogame guides for GameFAQs. It’s been a year since I last looked at the GameFAQs Prolific Rankings, so I might as well check back in and see where I’m at. Maybe I’m in the top three now!
… Wait a minute.
Wiggedy-waggedy-WHAT??? I dropped back down to NUMBER EIGHT? How can I be in eighth place? What happened to my huge push to be #7? Does this mean I’m not going to be on the 2014 GameFAQs’ Greatest Contributors Calendar?
Who is this Keyblade999 person that kicked me out of my place?! I demand satisfaction! I will challenge him to a duel on Mario Kart 64, and…
Oh.
He’s in high school. That’s when I started writing for GameFAQs, over ten years ago, and…*sigh*
… I think this means I’ve officially been replaced. I can’t compete with the new generation of high school GameFAQers! They’re young and hip, while I’m older than the Internet.
I mean, who’s above me on the list now? Daniel Engel, AKA the guy who actually makes money from GameFAQs? I can’t compete with him! He’s got over 22,000KB of text on the site, compared to my paltry 7,200KB. Plus, he wrote the definitive guide for Color a Dinosaur (NES). Who else can do something that great?
Yeah, this is it. My glory days are past me. Retirement from my unpaid GameFAQs writing job awaits.
Wait a minute! The standings say that Daniel hasn’t written a new guide since August 2011! If I can write another guide, I can jump past him in the standings and make it back onto the GameFAQs Calendar!
Maybe I don’t have to retire! Instead of being a high schooler with too much time on his hands, I can be an adult with too much time on his hands!!! Clearly, I win!
I just need to pick the perfect game to write a guide for. Normally, I’d pick Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Dual Destinies, but that game is too mainstream for GameCola. I need something more obscure…like Ulysses and the Golden Fleece! 1980’s text adventure games are genre which never gets old!
It looks like I’m back on GameFAQs. All right!
You know, in some of your articles, I feel like you’re mocking me. Occasionally.