Greetings, ‘Cola Fans! Do you like games that nobody talks about—whether they’re small-time indie games, games for systems that were never popular, old and forgotten, or just otherwise overlooked? That’s why you come to GameCola, right? Our motto is “Gaming Outside the Mainstream”, and we love all the games that everyone else forgets about!
… But what if you don’t like any of our staff members and their articles, comics, or videos?
Now is the perfect opportunity for you to fix the situation! Maybe “firing” isn’t exactly the term to use, since this is an unpaid position (hey—we only ask for one article a month), but we’re definitely looking to thin out our ranks! Here, check out this easy-to-read bullet list of the types of people we want to get rid of:
- Thinks Jigglypuff is a good choice to play as in Super Smash Bros.
- Refuses to use the Nintendo 3DS in 3D mode.
- Thinks Final Fantasy Mystic Quest is the best Final Fantasy game.
- Doesn’t have a microphone, so can’t actually participate in podcasts.
- Doesn’t play videogames.
- Likes Wall Street Kid.
- Thinks Nester’s Funky Bowling is a legitimate sport.
- Beats me at Street Fighter II by mashing all the buttons.
- Thinks the PlayStation 2 can play PlayStation 3 games.
- Copies and pastes article text from a Word Perfect 97 document.
- Tries repeatedly to beat the first boss in Crystallis at experience level 2.
- Dislikes beards.
I think that covers the types of people we’ve been considering letting go. Thankfully, the GameCola severance package consists of an unearthed copy of E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for Atari and ripped fold-out poster from a 1993 issue of Nintendo Power. Are there columns you’re tired of seeing on the main page? Great! Are there certain writing styles that just rub you the wrong way? Perfect!
You love reading GameCola, so why not have a say in which writers we get rid of? Or, better yet, if you don’t like reading GameCola—you could just blacklist the website from Google Search Results!
All you have to do is complain in the comments below, telling me who you’d like to give the axe, preferably with a few examples of why. We reserve the right not to fire everyone; we still need someone to empty out the trashcans and turn the lights out at the end of the day. Don’t delay; complain today!
*trying to determine which staff member to joke about getting rid of that I could do without accidentally offending anyone*
I am *always* fair game.
That being said, we should hire Paul Franzen back just to fire him again.
“All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in the court of GameCola law.
That being said, Paul, you’re fired.”
I fit many of these requirements! Good thing for nepotism! And at least I don’t think Mystic Quest is the best Final Fantasy, or even an actual Final Fantasy.
I read through the first three bullet points, and…look, I can take a hint. I’ll go pack my belongings.