Welcome to Platforming Hell. Population: One Obnoxious Bobcat.
Oh no! Aliens are plotting to plunder the world’s supply of yarn! Quick! Run through the levels at a break-neck pace trying to collect all the yarn you can before it’s too late, except not, because you can beat each level without gathering a single ball! Skirt death at every push of any button—one hit kills! And you can die quite easily from the loads of enemies and obstacles that you can’t possibly see until it’s too late! Good luck having fun with this title; Accolade really doesn’t want you to.
The game starts off innocently enough. Just a bobcat in a white t-shirt imprinted with an exclamation point bouncing off of trees and enemies’ heads and such, and running really really fast. You could almost call it Sonic the Bobcat, except that insinuating that Bubsy the Bobcat is even in the same league as Sonic the Hedgehog is a sin worthy of at least five eternities trapped inside of your worst nightmare.
If you just play the first few levels (which is pretty likely, because all of your nine given lives can easily be lost before even reaching the third stage), you probably won’t realize how God-awful this title is. You might even like it. But progress any further, and before you know it, sharks will be swimming through the ground to chomp your furry balls off, or you’ll be smote by an egg, or a giant carrot will fall from the sky and destroy you, and you’ll be screaming obscenities as (these are actual obscenities of mine, mind you), “Are you shittin’ me?!”, “God…no! Fucker! Oh my God!”, and “You fucker—he ate my platform!” at the rate of about two obscenities per minute. It is so unbelievably, absurdly easy to die in this game that you’d probably enjoy yourself more by printing an iron-on transfer of an exclamation point, affixing it to a white t-shirt, putting on the white t-shirt, and hanging yourself.
The absolutely atrocious level design is nary made up for by stunning visuals or wondrous music. Nay, the animations are repeated too often, and are not even very in existence, and the upbeat music quickly reaches infuriating levels of annoying. The characters and backgrounds and all of that jazz aren’t as ass-slappingly bad as everything else in this game, so I guess the design team just wasn’t trying hard enough with them.
Not even the controls are safe from this giant beam of shit that has apparently enveloped Bubsy. They were apparently on the edge of the beam, though, because they aren’t so blatantly shit-caked as everything else in this title, but they could still stand for vast improvement. Many times, in order to actually progress in the game, you find yourself having to run, jump, and move the camera over to the right—all at the same time. If the camera stayed in a fixed position, this might not be so bad, but it swings back and centers right on the bratty Bubsy once you take pressure off of the button. Running and jumping are reminiscent of Sonic’s controls, so they don’t really suck, but the fact that there’s issues with the camera in a fucking 2-D side-scroller is completely inexcusable.
Bubsy is not a game to play when you’re in a crappy mood. It’ll just make your depression stronger and last longer. Don’t play it when you’re happy either, because you’ll find yourself lacking in that emotion within minutes. Don’t even think about playing it. Don’t look at it. Don’t even let it near your Super Nintendo. Don’t rent it, don’t buy it for a dollar, don’t have anything to do with it unless you have some kind of death wish.