The following contains naughty language. If you are easily offended,
piss off and stop being so sensitive.
Matt Wright’s Top 10 Least Favorite Video Games (in no particular order)
Dragon’s Lair (SNES): This was one of the first games I bought (with my own damn money!!) for the SNES, and might I say, I was more than disappointed. The main character’s controls made me want to tear my hair out soooo many times!!! The graphics are…okay…I guess, which is sad as it’s really the game’s only strength. The sound doesn’t really need a mention, cos it’s crap. Now we have the big one… the most annoying section of ANY video game I have ever played, BAR NONE. The save game facility for Dragon’s Lair, is the most FUCKED UP thing I’ve ever had the misfortune to come across. Basically, to load your saved game, you must float around in a bubble underwater, and land in little boxes with a letter on it, to enter out your save game code. Did I mention this also has a time limit??? What the hell were they smoking when they thought that was a good idea??? It’s a bastard to control when he’s on land!! Never mind when he’s floating in a bubble!!!! So combine shit controls, okay graphics, and a COMPLETELY shit save-game section and what do you get? Shit sandwich.
Robocop (SNES): I think we rented this one out, and it’s goddamn lucky as well! See, I LOVE Robocop; I love the idea of a badass robot blasting the shit out outta a bunch of crackheads. So when I saw this, I thought “Cool!! What could be better?? Let’s bust some skulls!!” Sadly, this game is another example of a great license opportunity being turned into another generic side scrolling shoot’em-up. There’s one difference though. I’ve never played a shooter as unforgiving as this. First of all, he moves slower than a turtle with no legs. Second, he dies so easily it’s not funny. And third, the continue points for the levels are miles apart. So if you manage to actually get to the end of the first level, and you die, you go about 10 minutes walk back to the continue point. People say that Super Ghouls ‘N Ghosts is rock hard, well so is Robocop. Difference is, Robocop is no fun whatsoever.
Cruis’n USA (N64): When I first saw Cruis’n USA in the arcades, I thought, if this is the future, then it looks pretty damn bright. I must admit, it wasn’t all that great a game really, just a run-of-the-mill racer, but damn was it pretty!! I expected that with the conversion to the N64, they’d maintain the same high-quality graphics (maybe not as high-res but hey) and I thought they’d spruce up the gameplay. You know, make it a lot more long-term, instead of a short-but-sweet arcade thrill. How wrong I was. The graphics are, simply put, embarrassing. The scenery (trees, billboards etc) falls over flat if you hit into them, like they’re cardboard cut-outs. And they look less convincing than cardboard cut-outs. If you crash your car into a solid object, it either does a 360, and you continue driving, or it flips over, lands perfectly on all four wheels, and you continue driving. Seriously, realism wasn’t even dreamed of when it came to crashes. The controls are slightly better than the graphics, but that’s not really good is it? No, no it isn’t. Forget about the music, I don’t want to think about it. As for the gameplay, what gameplay? The only longevity this game provides, is laughing when you crash into anything. Even then, the laughter wo’t last long.
Beyblade: Super Tournament Battle (any platform): Does it really need explaining why this in my ten worst list? I should really explain why I played it. For a laugh, pure and simple. I knew it was going to be shit, the cartoon is shit, the toys are shit, everything about it reeked of faecal matter. I mean, come on, they’re spinning fucking tops!!! Dress ’em up a bit, make up some crap characters and how “friends stick together” and “a true blader would never do something or other.” Bag of shite. I wanted to play the game, purely for a giggle. And I must say, I wasn’t disappointed. This game makes absolutely NO USE of the power that any system makes available. It is a text book example, of a completely rushed, five minute job, that needs to get into the stores before the craze is dead and buried. Absolute bollocks.
Carmageddon (GBC): I’ve got this on the Game Boy and on the PC. The only reason I bought it is you can run over heaps of people and watch them explode…niiiice… I was given the Game Boy version by a mate, and I understand why he didn’t want any money for it. There is absolutely no reason to play this game. The controls are confusing at best, the graphics are utter crap (I know it’s a GBC game, but it can do MUCH better than this) and they ruin the only thing that this game had going for it. I’ve played it on my GBA, and yes, the “blood” is green, just like the N64 version. As I said before, don’t play it; there’s no reason to. Unless you’re a glutton for punishment.
Where’s Wally (any platform): Another bright idea for a game. Why would you go and buy this for $60 (or whatever it cost when it was first released) when you could buy ALL the Where’s Wally books for much less? It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realise that this was a bad idea. I mean, the game’s ok. Not great, but ok. The graphics are shite, and it’s hard to see Wally at all, as he blends in oh so well with the backgrounds. The sound shall not be mentioned. And once you’ve completed it, it’s highly unlikely you’ll want to play again. Sad thing is, it’s quite fun to play, or maybe I just had absolutely nothing better to do at the time…
Smash TV (any version on any platform): I’ve never liked this game. The controls are just SO GOD DAMN HARD!!!! I don’t have the coordination to deal with it!!! Plus the graphics are soooo small you can hardly tell what’s going on. I just never liked this game, and more than likely, I never will. Stresses me just thinking about it!!
The Ren & Stimpy Show: Veediots (SNES): Words cannot express how disappointed I was, and still am by this game. Ren & Stimpy rock. Nothing came even close to the sickness and depravity they presented in their 20 minute episodes. I saw this game for sale in GamesWorld (don’t buy anything there, it’s shit and expensive) and immediately put it on lay-by. I would’ve been about 12 at the time, and I got $10 a week pocket money. It cost AUD$120 (told you it was expensive) and took me over FOUR MONTHS to pay off. I got it home, expecting to laugh my arse off. What I got, was yet another platform game, with a couple of recognizable characters, and a few jokes. I only got up to the third level twice, and it pissed me off sooo much getting there, so I didn’t bother any more. Waste of a lot of cash.
Wayne’s World (any platform): The films are absolutely classic, and deserve a lot more acclaim than they actually received. Everyone I knew was saying “NOT!!” which, after the third or fourth time, got a little annoying. Who would have guessed that someone would have the bright idea of creating a platform game to cash in on the craze? You play Wayne, who wanders around with his guitar, collecting assorted crap, avoiding techno-related music and stuff. Amazing storyline off the bat. The graphics are hardly astounding; the SNES can do so much more. The sound is also extremely average, with grainy samples from the movie. I know there are a whole bunch of crappy platformers out there, but this one is “based” on one of my all-time fave movies. So it makes this crappy platformer infinitely more depressing.
Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers (any platform): Exactly the same review as Beyblade, just replace spinning fucking tops with the fucking Power Rangers. And replace blader with wanker. ‘Nuff said.