Cheat Codes for Life

Julie Kozarsky offers advice about getting your videogame-based movie made, finding people to play games with, and more.

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CervantesJulie Kozarsky, with her infinite knowledge of the universe, uses her wisdom and experience to reduce your gravest problems into silly inconveniences. So easy, so simple — it’s a cheat code for your life.

Dear Julie,

I think a movie based on the Soul Calibur series should be made, and that I should be cast into the role of Cervantes, because I can do a pretty bad-ass dead pirate impersonation. However, whenever I’ve written to a movie studio about my idea, I’ve never gotten a response. Whenever I’ve called, I’ve just been hung up on. I KNOW I have a winner of an idea here; it’s just a matter of getting somebody to listen. Do you have any contacts in the movie industry you could hook me up with? Or any thoughts on how I can get this film made?

Sincerely,
Arrrrrrrrrrr

P.S. If you help me with this, you can play the part of Ivy. I’ve got this great idea involving a steamy sex scene with her and Voldo…

DeArrrrrrrrrr (oh WOW am I funny),

Funny you should ask. I don’t have any experience with amateur films, but word has it someone in my high school graduating class does. This doesn’t transitively give me the knowledge, but if you’re going to make a movie and have it be known, I can tell you the following based on what I’ve gathered from watching “Mariah” in action.

1) A successful amateur movie should be filmed in a seedy motel room.
2) By all means, the star should strip and allow themselves to be fondled onscreen by a stubby little hand while a disembodied voice issues creepy comments.
3) That’s really all I can say for my disgust is too great, but at least someone from Shawnee ’04 has been successful in onscreen endeavors. It costs an arm and a leg to join that site!

I’d love to be in your movie. Have your people call my people, or just email me.

Starrily,
Julie

Dear Julie,

I own all of these multiplayer video games, but I have no use for them. I keep purchasing games such as Mario Party and Double Dash in hopes that people will play them with me, but no one ever does. And these games are pretty boring when you’re playing with yourself. I don’t know what to do! How can I get my friends to come play with me?

Love,
Will You Play With Me, Julie?

Dear Play With Me,

My favorite restaurant serves amazing steak, but has an enormous wait time. When my family would go there when I was a kid, my brother and I would sit ourselves at the end of the bar — they had a Super Nintendo system, complete with Mario games. Instantly, all of the kids in the restaurant would come over and wait for their turns. We made so many friends!

So the answer is, take your games to a public place… maybe a park, playground, or mall. Somewhere visible, where you’ll see and be seen. If you never catch anybody’s attention, they’ll never want to play with you. And if all else fails, there’s Neverland, the owner of which will probably be off the premises for quite some time in lieu of his legal troubles. I’m sure you’ll find a veritable harem of eager youngsters there that would love some quality time with a controller.

Playfully,
Julie

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About the Contributor


From 2004 to 2005

Julie Kozarsky is a former staff member from GameCola's early days as a monthly email newsletter.

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