The Grass is Always…: Killer 7

This month is the last of the games we torture each other with out of our own collection. Next month, I mean it: We're going for the complete bottom-shelf shit games for rent at Hollywood Video. Just last week I saw Chicken Little, Bionicle and approximately 400 copies of Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Official Video Game of the Movie of the Cartoon of the Card Game.

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This column is about how two strikingly similar people can have vastly different tastes in videogames. Each month, brothers Joel and Travis get together and play through a game, tape-recording themselves going through it for the first time. Then they painstakingly listen to hours of this bullshit to give you, the readers, two-to-three pages worth of comedy gold.

So, for our last game before we start renting, I chose for Joel to play Killer 7 for the GameCube. A game that, as I’m sure you’re aware, has received frighteningly polar reviews from the game community at large. I personally loved the hell out of it. Joel—not so much.

Killer 7 for the Nintendo GameCube

We throw the game in and boot it up.


Travis: “I think you’re going to like this game.”

Joel: “Do I press the giant A button to begin?” He fiddles with the menu.

T: “You’re goddamn right. Press A.”

J: (Into mic) “I am now pressing the completely oversized A button to begin. I have a feeling this is a weird Japanese game I’m not going to like.”

T: “You’re probably right. I thought it was awesome.”

T: “Pretty cool graphics though!”

J: (At exactly the same time) “These graphics are annoying!”

T: (Incredulously) “You don’t like these graphics? But they’re so—noir-ish.”

J: “They suck.” A long pause follows this.

T: “Go to hell, you fucking asshole.” After awhile, Joel becomes impatient.

J: (Furiously pushing buttons) “I grow tired of this.”

T: (Sarcastically) “Hey, sorry! It’s not like I sat through eight hours of Ace Combat Whatever earlier.”

J: “Ohhh. Travis is grumpy. Who’s that guy? (gestures to screen) Looks like a cross between Mr. T. and DMX. And Ludicrous.”


Joel’s displeasure is showing. In the background, Christy walks by.

Christy: “Oh Jesus. I remember this game. I hate this game.”

Travis explains controls. T: “See, this game is all about personality and storyline. Basically, you’re just an old man in a wheel-chair with seven split personalities, and you’re all hit men.”

C: (interrupting) “I mean, I really, really hated this game.”

T: “Huh. Well, that makes two out of three people in this room that hate this game. Assholes. I happen to love it.”

C: “You would.”

T: “What? What does that even mean, ‘I would’?”

J: “So far, at this point, I would be wondering where my $50 went.”

Travis explains how you switch to first-person mode to shoot. A Heavens Smile cult member runs up to Joel and suicide bombs him.

J: “I don’t understand what just happened.”

T: (Sounding angry) “They’re bombs, dipshit! They’re human bombs! When they get close enough to grab onto you, they explode!”

J: “I’m just going to spend the rest of the review trying to pinpoint why I don’t like this game.”


For the next 20 minutes, Travis backseat drives Joel’s game.

J: “I can’t appreciate anything about this game. I don’t like the graphics, the controls, the absolute 100% linear gameplay. I don’t like the dialog–”

T: “Hey, I played Ace Combat, you dick!”

J: “This game sucks.”

T: “Go back to where you came from, hater.”

J: “Uh—where’s that? (Travis has no answer.) Yeah, that was awful. Fucking gay.”

T: “You’re gay.”

Well, as you can see, we kept our maturity level at a high throughout this experience. Now we’re done with our own games, and it’s onto shitty rental games! Yay! And remember, just because you like a game doesn’t mean everyone else will. You know what they say, The Grass is Always…

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From 2004 to 2012

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