Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.Jump right in!; you don’t need to have read the previous chapters to understand what’s going on this month.
Rivers Duo: Oh right! That person isn’t n00b! I know who it really is!
Narrator: All right, Rivers Duo announced who n00b really was.
Narrator: And it was exciting and not Enrique.
Rivers Duo: It’s Enrique!
Rivers Duo: I’d recognize that “moo” anywhere!
Barin: Not that bastard again! I thought he was already gone from my story!
Narrator: I was hopping for Murray.
Barin: Barin then narrated himself into a clearly fearsome pose.
Narrator: No, he didn’t
Barin: Explain yourself, Enrique! Or DIE!!
Rivers Duo: Glad to see you back, Enrique!
n00b: I don’t see Enrique
n00b: Where is he?
Necrostreeb: Enrique?? My Streebless spoke of you!
n00b: Oh god….
Narrator: Enrique is clearly in no “moo”d to explain himself, so Rivers continued his tirade against the Barin.
Rivers Duo: Barin! If I wasn’t some kind of toothless wolverine lizard thing, I’d kill you right now! This is CLEARLY my story!
Barin: YOUR story, is it? Funny, because you sure as hell don’t look like any main character.
n00b: All main characters have capes.
Narrator: That’s true.
Rivers Duo: I don’t need a freaking cape!
n00b: Whatever man.
Narrator: Necrostreeb has a cape.
Barin: No! It can’t be!
Rivers Duo: You’re going down Barin!!
Narrator: Now Narrator has the cape.
Barin: Narrator? NARRATOR?! What sort of main character could HE make??
Barin: You give me that right now, or TASTE MY COLD STEEL.
Necrostreeb: I need that cape to avenge my dead lover I MEAN APPRENTICE.
Rivers Duo: Man, I thought there was something freaky going on between you two….
Narrator: What about you, Enrique?
Narrator: Do you need it, too?
n00b: No, I’m good.
Rivers Duo: Aha! I knew it!
Rivers Duo: You’re Enrique.
Enrique: Stop lying.
Necrostreeb: The cape’s got poisoned barbs, you know, so be careful.
Narrator: So! Necrostreeb gets the cape again.
Narrator: And gets poisoned by the barbs.
Necrostreeb: Hah! The cape was NOT poisoned, and now I can proceed with my evil doings!
Narrator: Well, he is the main character.
Enrique: You can’t undo the words of the narrator.
Barin: I’M THE MAIN CHARACTER YOU BASTARDS!! ME!! ME ME ME!!!
Necrostreeb: Oh…. I can feel it seeping through my veins….
Narrator: AND THEN PIRATES BUSTED INTO THE ROOM.
Enrique: OH MY, are those PIRATES??
Necrostreeb: The poison…it…burns….
Enrique: I think they are here to kill us all!
Enrique: It says so on that sign they have!
Necrostreeb: Someone help me….
Barin: Perhaps they will join my party!
Narrator: Pirates from the first season of The Gates of Life, they were.
Barin: Greetings, fair pirates! How would you like to join me and my surly crew?
Necrostreeb: I can barely draw breath….
Narrator: But, as pirates do, they follow the cape.
Barin: Come, help me vanquish these peons!
Barin: HELP ME VANQUISH THE PEONS DAMMIT.
Pirate: No, sir! We came to help the Cap’n!
Barin: I’M THE CAP’N!
Barin: HELP ME!
Necrostreeb: Oh, my dear Streebless…I may see you sooner than I had thought!
Necrostreeb: Farewell world!
Pirate: No cape! No Cap’n!
Barin: If you are not with me…then you are against me!
Barin: PREPARE TO DIE.
Rivers Duo: I’m so gonna be the main character after this.
Enrique: You wish.
Necrostreeb: And yet? The death blow does not come.
Narrator: Because you aren’t dying.
Narrator: Stop your monologue.
Necrostreeb: AHA! That’s right! It was a NOT-fatal poison that I put on this cape!
Narrator: It just gives you wicked diarrhea.
Narrator: For like eight months.
Enrique: Well that was pretty brilliant.
Barin: DAMN YOU ALL.
Necrostreeb: Oh curses, and these were my best trousers.
Enrique: You can’t be the main character if you can’t even get anyone to pay attention to you, Barin.
Narrator: Here’s an idea!
Narrator: Let’s let the reader(s) decide who the main character is!
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Barin his Teeth!
Barin: I am the main character, you BASTARDS!!
Follow the Rivers!
Rivers Duo: No, I am the main character!
Strange Creature: You will give me back the whistle.
Necrostreeb: I’m the main character?! Seriously?
Spoonlad: Has anyone seen my girlfriend?!
Jason and the Arrrghonauts
Pirate: I’ve been around longer than any of you! Except Barin! I should rightly be the main character!
Barin: That doesn’t make much sense… but I agree! I’ll follow you to the bitter end, Pirate!
Necrostreeb: Me too!
Tryn: And so will I!
Render: And me, as well! Muahahahaha!!
Large Stone Wall: IiiiiiiiiIIiiiiii aaaaaaam theeeeeee neeeeeeeeew maaaaaaaaaain chaaaraaaaaacteeeeeeeer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This poll ends on January 7.