The Gates of Life: Episode 41 – FAKE n00b

Rivers Duo: Oh right! That person isn't n00b! I know who it really is!

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Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.Jump right in!; you don’t need to have read the previous chapters to understand what’s going on this month.

Chapter Forty-One

Rivers Duo: Oh right! That person isn’t n00b! I know who it really is!

Narrator: All right, Rivers Duo announced who n00b really was.

Narrator: And it was exciting and not Enrique.

Rivers Duo: It’s Enrique!

Rivers Duo: I’d recognize that “moo” anywhere!

murrayNecrostreeb: GASP!!!

Narrator: Booooring.

Barin: Not that bastard again! I thought he was already gone from my story!

Narrator: I was hopping for Murray.

Barin: Barin then narrated himself into a clearly fearsome pose.

Narrator: No, he didn’t

Barin:  Explain yourself, Enrique!  Or DIE!!

n00b: Moo.

Rivers Duo: Glad to see you back, Enrique!

n00b: I don’t see Enrique

n00b: Where is he?

Necrostreeb: Enrique??  My Streebless spoke of you!

n00b: Oh god….

Narrator: Enrique is clearly in no “moo”d to explain himself, so Rivers continued his tirade against the Barin.

Rivers Duo: Barin! If I wasn’t some kind of toothless wolverine lizard thing, I’d kill you right now! This is CLEARLY my story!

Barin: YOUR story, is it? Funny, because you sure as hell don’t look like any main character.

capen00b: You don’t even have a cape!

n00b: All main characters have capes.

Narrator: That’s true.

Rivers Duo: I don’t need a freaking cape!

n00b: Whatever man.

Narrator: Necrostreeb has a cape.

Barin: No! It can’t be!

Rivers Duo: You’re going down Barin!!

Necrostreeb: Whoops!

Narrator: Now Narrator has the cape.

n00b: Stylin’.

Barin: Narrator? NARRATOR?! What sort of main character could HE make??

Barin: You give me that right now, or TASTE MY COLD STEEL.

Necrostreeb: I need that cape to avenge my dead lover I MEAN APPRENTICE.

Rivers Duo: Man, I thought there was something freaky going on between you two….

Narrator: What about you, Enrique?

Narrator: Do you need it, too?

n00b: No, I’m good.

Rivers Duo: Aha! I knew it!

Rivers Duo: You’re Enrique.

Enrique: Stop lying.

Necrostreeb: The cape’s got poisoned barbs, you know, so be careful.

Narrator: So!  Necrostreeb gets the cape again.

Narrator: And gets poisoned by the barbs.

n00b: Harsh.

Necrostreeb: Hah! The cape was NOT poisoned, and now I can proceed with my evil doings!

Narrator: Well, he is the main character.

Enrique: You can’t undo the words of the narrator.


Necrostreeb: Oh…. I can feel it seeping through my veins….


piratesBarin: Pirates??!

Enrique: OH MY, are those PIRATES??

Necrostreeb: The poison…it…burns….

Enrique: I think they are here to kill us all!

Enrique: It says so on that sign they have!

Necrostreeb: Someone help me….

Barin: Perhaps they will join my party!

Narrator: Pirates from the first season of The Gates of Life, they were.

Barin: Greetings, fair pirates! How would you like to join me and my surly crew?

Necrostreeb: I can barely draw breath….

Narrator: But, as pirates do, they follow the cape.

Barin: Come, help me vanquish these peons!


Pirate:  No, sir!  We came to help the Cap’n!

Barin: I’M THE CAP’N!

Barin: HELP ME!

Necrostreeb: Oh, my dear Streebless…I may see you sooner than I had thought!

Enrique: Lies.

Necrostreeb: Farewell world!

Pirate:  No cape!  No Cap’n!

Barin: If you are not with me…then you are against me!


Rivers Duo: I’m so gonna be the main character after this.

Enrique: You wish.

Necrostreeb: And yet?  The death blow does not come.

Narrator: Because you aren’t dying.

Narrator: Stop your monologue.

Necrostreeb: AHA!  That’s right!  It was a NOT-fatal poison that I put on this cape!

Narrator: It just gives you wicked diarrhea.

Narrator: For like eight months.

Enrique: Well that was pretty brilliant.


Necrostreeb: Oh curses, and these were my best trousers.

Enrique: You can’t be the main character if you can’t even get anyone to pay attention to you, Barin.

Narrator: Here’s an idea!

Narrator: Let’s let the reader(s) decide who the main character is!

Which Gate Do You Choose?

Barin his Teeth!

Barin:  I am the main character, you BASTARDS!!

Follow the Rivers!

Rivers Duo:  No, I am the main character!

Strange Creature:  You will give me back the whistle.

What?  Really?

Necrostreeb:  I’m the main character?!  Seriously?

Spoonlad:  Has anyone seen my girlfriend?!

Jason and the Arrrghonauts

Pirate:  I’ve been around longer than any of you!  Except Barin!  I should rightly be the main character!

Barin:  That doesn’t make much sense… but I agree!  I’ll follow you to the bitter end, Pirate!

Necrostreeb:  Me too!

Tryn:  And so will I!

Render:  And me, as well!  Muahahahaha!!

Enriquemania Returns!

Large Stone Wall:  IiiiiiiiiIIiiiiii aaaaaaam theeeeeee neeeeeeeeew maaaaaaaaaain chaaaraaaaaacteeeeeeeer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enrique:  Lame.

This poll ends on January 7.

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