I demand a recount. It’s unfair that I was in a 3-way battle.
– Mark F.
I voted for me!!! Did anyone else?
Matt: Unfortunately, no. Tough break, being set up versus the naked pic of Jamie.
Paul, what the hell is Matt doing? If he wants GameCola.net war, I swear I will give it to him. I’m a nerd with a lot of anger, and I know where Ogre lives and works.
Matt: You can go ahead and have a war if you promise to make it more interesting than the LUEser invasion back whenever the hell that happened. Definitely try to make it involve more than posting angry comments where you take everything too personally while simultaneously clicking 0’s at the end of all my articles.
So, if the review section is any indication, this is GameCola’s annual “Fuck Anybody Who Doesn’t Own A PS2” issue.
Paul: Yeah, jeez…I remember when we used to review OLD games. What the hell, guys.
It took me 8 months to realize that these comments don’t support html. I’m something of a genius.
Paul: They don’t? Is that bad? I know nothing of the voodoo Kevin used to program them.
Hell yeah, I can believe that Matt got voted out of the battle. I was robbed the last time around, so Matt’s final bracket in this tournament was nothing short of sweet vindication. That’s assuming that vindication can be measured in a small handful of votes.
Lord Michael, come to my castle and I shall favor you with huge tracks of land for marrying my beloved daughter Princess Peach.
Michael: Dost thou mean “tracts of land”? ‘Tis quite an impressive dowry, when marrying Princess Peach is reward enough in itself. I shall betake myself there immediately to begin the nuptials!
(Michael betakes himself to the castle)
What do you mean PRINCESS PEACH WAS KIDNAPPED??? How am I supposed to marry her NOW?
Be Careful What You Search For is going to be pretty full next month.
Special guest review by Jack Kerouac
Best. Review. Ever. (That didn’t use action figures.)
Wait…. Wait…. WAIT!
We both had the same idea on the same month to write a review in poetry? I don’t remember saying anything other than “My review is going to be awesome,” so I suppose that it’s just transcendent deduction, but that’s still a crazy coincidence.
Well, that was informative.
Matt: Thanks! 🙂
I always had a strange need to eat Jenga blocks…even if I only snuck in a lick one time.
Oh man, Napoleon Dynamite must have snuck in under my shitty game radar, because I didn’t even know about it. I can only imagine the game utilizes the microphone function and has you repeat quotes from the movie ad nauseum. If that’s how you play then, from what I’ve seen, most of the Internet should have no problem with it.
Turkish Star Wars, what a fine film. It’s just crying out to be riffed by Mike/Joel and the bots.
Advertising for a Web site is hard. I’ve tried it before for my Web site , and it’s never gotten anyone to come more than once, if that much.
Paul: See! See everyone! I’m not the only one who can’t figure out how to get the word out! C’mon, there’s a lotta creative people reading and writing for this newsletter…someone HAS to know how to get us millions of readers.
Hey, you sold yourself short in this month’s list of new things….You forgot to mention that the new item can be re-used on Lily and Anthony after you’ve used it once! Both those bits of dialogue were funny.
I couldn’t figure out what the choice is that you make early in the game that affects this month’s new stuff, but I’m guessing it involves the “choose a present from Lily’s bag”; thing. Now my interest is piqued. I will figure it out next time! Is it…the ability to stop Hans from being grumpy by smacking him with Lily’s fish?
Lizo: Indeed, it does have to do with one of the items from Lily’s bag. Currently, only one of these items has the potential to do something in the game (although the others have a planned purpose as well), but it involves a slightly convoluted puzzle. The idea is that nothing in Lily’s bag is essential for Paul to have, but each can possibly lead to something fun if you do the right thing with it. Good luck figuring it out! 🙂
Hey, I used to collect monsters in my pocket…now that I think about it…that’s a weird name for a kids toy.
– Cuddly Colin
Breaker High had a game?? Damn, I need to gets me that.
Christian: No, unfortunately, Breaker High never had a game. Neither did Small Wonder on that last article. I photoshopped ’em.
Bonkers! Who could ever forget Bonkers??
Christian: I was a little older and didn’t care about it when Bonkers came out, so maybe it’s just forgotten from the eyes of a crusty old douchebag.
I did have the good sense to keep Darkwing Duck off the list, even though nobody really cares about it anymore.
It is true history is written by the winners, but, at the same time, I think Asia is winning in the long run—just look at all thecool cheap stuff they sell to us while stealing all our jobs. (Wait, is that racist, too?)
Michael: Hey, no fair bringing Asia into this! I was talking solely about Japan. Asia includes China and Russia, both of whom will probably be more influential than Japan in the future.
It wasn’t released only in Japan. The Japanese Super Mario Brothers 2 was also called “The Lost Levels” and appeared on the SNES cart “Super Mario Brothers All-stars,” which is to say that I played this game 14 years ago when it was released in the states. Seriously, I thought the whole ‘lost levels’ things was standard issue for Mario fans in the SNES era and subsequently common knowledge. Am I mistaken? Didn’t everyone play this with jaw-dropping parallax scrolling backgrounds?
– Sprite Monkey
When I asked my parents to get All-Stars, their response was “You already own all the Mario games. Why would you want to pay for them again?”
This has also been my philosophy on anthologies and rereleases ever since.
So, I’ve never played All-Stars, and I had no idea that the “Lost Levels” were anything more than a way to get you to spend your money on games you already own.
Wait…. Hold it…. This just in…. That really is all that they are.
Wow…. And, I complain about the price of pizza here in America. Although, American pizzas aren’t full of crazy ingredients. Just stuff that actually tastes good.
Richo: Eggs, potatoes, sausage, beef, tomatoes, corn… what doesn’t taste good?
Funny and well written stuff. Spanish guy is genius.
Endorsing a McDonald’s product in this day and age is unthinkably rebellious. I think I’m in love.
I have a secret…when I’m not commenting on GameCola, I’m masturbating to pictures of sonic doing tails AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! XO
– Cuddly Colin
Wow, my Top of this Heap’s topic this month was ALMOST “Games for Furries to Yiff to.” That got scrapped because I could only find two. Probably best that I didn’t; it would’ve looked like somethingawful.com in here if I did.
This is war.
FIRST OF ALL—were are only two furry panels at DucKon 16 since that convention doesn’t host as many any more and we didn’t even attend them.
Second of all—if you have a problem with me being furry—say it to my face. I know all about furry flaming and frankly I think it is disgusting considering there are pedophiles and other sexual deviants getting away with REAL crimes, instead of you ragging on some nerds who like Bugs Bunny more than the average person. So do me a favor and go over to the FBI’s most wanted list and bitch over there-that’s where are real problem is in society.
Matt: Holy shit.
FIRST OF ALL—I couldn’t possibly care less what turns you on.
Second, I find it mind boggling that you write for a HUMOR magazine and cannot comprehend that an article that has NEVER been about anything serious is anything but a personal attack on you. Sure, you can go ahead and find my humor to be in poor taste, but to actually think that I have something against furries or you in particular? Come on, get over yourself.
Furies are our number one menace? I don’t know…seems like Jack Thompson, EA Sports and the proliferation of shitty games would be higher on our list.
Matt: Without shitty games we’d have pretty much no reviews anymore, so I’d say that’s not a menace. Jack Thompson only gives us more content… but I guess EA Sports can go on the list. Just make sure no one goes to an EA Sports convention passing out our fliers.