Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
When we last left our heroes, they had just learned of the formation of the Narrators United Doom Squad, whose sole purpose was to take over every world in existence in order to punish people for ignoring their narrators. Rivers, Render Girl, and Bar-Bar, unsure of what to do, enlisted the aid of PoCoN—the President of the Council of Narrators—in order to plan their next move.
And then everyone got their period, and that’s where you, the readers, came in. Would they recover in time to take on the NUDS? How could guys get periods, anyway? Would PoCoN’s powers be enough to stop this new evil? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this month’s episode of The Gates of Life!
Neo-Narrator: What the hell is going on here?!
Bloodeater Narrator: I’m sorry, but could someone explain to me why everyone is so freaked out all of a sudden?
Bloodeater Narrator: My name is not supposed to be taken liter–
???: I’m sorry, but I have to ask you to stop right there.
Rivers: Hey, awesome! I can’t remember the last time we had a question mark person.
Rivers: Was QM Girl/Boy the last one? Does that sound right, Render? You have her vagina.
Render Girl: ….
???: Actually, that’s exactly why I’m here.
Render Girl: …!
Bloodeater Narrator: You pervert.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: I’m afraid that a rather large error was made last month.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: An error so large, that, well…
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: …to put it bluntly, last month’s episode never actually happened.
Bar-Bar: What the BASTARD?!
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: I rechecked the votes, and the winning gate wasn’t “Narrators Gone Wild.”
PoCoN: Whoopsie daisy!
Rivers: That’s what you get for deleting your e-mail.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Everything that “happened” in last month’s episode isn’t considered part of the official The Gates of Life canon.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Please disregard it all.
Bloodeater Narrator: Can I at least keep my font?
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: But of course. Your bold and italics were not introduced until this episode, and this episode is obviously canon.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Now then.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: PoCoN, you’re not actually here. You’re still at the Council of Narrators.
PoCoN: PoCoN vanishes in a puf–
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: And Render Girl, the winning gate was actually “Whole Again, Whole Again, Jiggety Jig,” which means that you have a penis again.
Render: IT IS ABOUT GODDAMN TIME.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: And, you’re now a villain. You’re joining the Narrators United Doom Squad with Neo-Narrator, Bloodeater Narrator, and Narrator. They’re the ones who got you your manhood back.
Render: Then they’re obviously worthwhile people.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Mind you, you don’t have any narration powers—you’re just an “honorary narrator.”
Render: I can deal with that.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Now, you and the NUDS, as the villains of The Gates of Life, are trying to conquer every world in existence. According to the storyline, they’re seeking revenge for being “ignored” for so long in their narrator capacities.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: I know it doesn’t make much sense. Just run with it.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Meanwhile, Rivers, you and Bar-Bar are the heroes of The Gates of Life, and you have to stop the NUDS from taking over the worlds.
Bar-Bar: YES! My time has come at last I am the one true h–
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: You are one of the heroes of this story, yes.
Bar-Bar: THE STORY IS MINE! GLORIOUS!
Rivers: We have no hope.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: I think that covers everybody, yes? No one else is in the story at present.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: OK, good.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Does anybody have any questions?
Narrator: Like you wouldn’t believe…. This is the most convoluted story I’ve ever narrated.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Ah.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Well, here’s what I can do: I will clear up one, and only one, area for you.
Narrator: For who? For me?
Rivers: Or do we each get our own questions?
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Yes…no, wait, no. Ugh. You all get one collective question. You must all agree on one question, and then you can ask it.
Rivers: I think I see a problem with this plan.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Try voting on it. In fact, I have the perfect way for you to do that:
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Render: What is with all of the goddamn portals in this story?
The Story Used to be So Good
Bar-Bar: Why did TGoL become so ridiculous after Brian Wolf stopped writing it and that BASTARD Matt Gardner took it over?
Break the Walls Down
Neo-Narrator: What’s with all this fourth-wall breaking nonsense? Do the characters somehow know that they’re in a story? How do they know this?
Rivers: When is there gonna be another The Gates of Life: The Musical?
Didn’t We Explain This Already?
Rivers: What is the relationship between Rivers and Apul? Are they the same person, or no?
And They Say That a Hero Could Save Us
Render: Why does Bar-Bar want so badly to be the hero of The Gates of Life?
The Need for Narrators
Neo-Narrator: Why are there so many narrators?
Narrator: Where, exactly, are we? I mean in general. Is this whole story taking place in one planet? In one universe? What’s its name? What’s its like? I need to know something about the environment.
I Don’t Get It
Bar-Bar: Why the hell doesn’t this story have a coherent plot!
Renders’ Lost Love
Render: Who, exactly, is QM Boy/Girl ? Where did he/she come from? What is he/she? What is his/her real name?
Where Did Everybody Go?
Bloodeater Narrator: What is the status of all the story’s other characters? You know…Enrique, Necrostreeb, Large Stone Wall, Spoonlad, Liaunde…. What’s the canon answer on who’s dead, who’s alive, where everybody is, and what everybody’s doing?
Death Is Forever. Or is it?
Neo-Narrator: How can characters keep dying and then keep coming back to life?
Besides an Item in Super Mario Bros. 3
Render: What exactly is the Warp Whistle?
No Spoons Allowed
Enrique: Can Spoonlad be banned from the story?
He’s Won’t Give You Any More, and You’ll Just Use Up Your Only One Asking This. Don’t Do It.
Rivers: Why can we only ask one question? That seems pretty arbitrary….
This poll ends on May 7th.