(Editor’s note: This article was originally published in the July 2008 issue of GameCola, back when GameCola was published in a monthly online magazine format.)
Trenton, NJ 08619
July 1, 2008
I have to reach into the ol’ Notebook o’ GameCola Ideas for this one. I have great ideas for the August and September editions of Dear Readers, but somebody just told me that it’s actually still July. Who knew?1
So…hmm…let’s see what we have here in the ol’ Notebook. Ahhh…nope, don’t have enough Post-It notes to do that one anymore2…nope, not hungry enough for that one3…hmm…would a top-five videogame-related things on my mind right now really be interesting? Probably not….
Oooh! OK guys, I found a good one. Let’s check out some:
What, you got a better idea? Unless you got a better idea, I think you should just keep reading. And if you do got a better idea, it’s a little late to be telling me, isn’t it? Maybe you should’ve told me a few days ago, Slacker McBadtimingsly.
I’ve got…one, two, three categories of Wacky eBay Auctions!! that I found just by browsing around on the videogame section of eBay. Most of the auctions are probably over by now—sorry, guy who wants a “genuine broken Xbox 360 wireless controller“—but the pages should still be up. If they aren’t, that’s because you’re in the future, and that’s just what you get for reading back issues of GameCola instead of the current one.
Current Price: $14.99
There are some things that you just don’t do to a classic gaming icon like Mario. And if you do those things, your punishment should be to wear this shirt.
Current Price: $4.95
You might think I created this auction myself just for the purposes of this article. Let me assure that I did not.4 You really do share oxygen with someone who’s trying to make money off a four-page guide to a game on Facebook.
Current Price: $24.99
I don’t know what those are, but I can guarantee that I would dislike the sort of person who would buy them.
Current Price: $9.95
Who needs a real, pointful job when you have PrintArtist and an Internet connection?
Current Price: $1.99
Someone’s about to play a cruel trick on his middle-aged mother. (“Aww, son, you shouldn’t have! Mrs. Shendelfoot down the block has this and…son? Why did you give me a box of feces??”)
Current Price: $0.99
I actually just think it’s funny that someone’s willing to pay that much for a copy of Quest 64.5
Current Price: $305.30
PLS STOP TALKING BRAD I’M TRYING TO WRITE MY DEAR READERS THANKS.6
Current Price: $305.00
For an extra 30 cents, you could get 462 PSX games, you know!
Current Price: $585.00 (I’m pretty sure 17 working PS2s aren’t worth that much….)
God: You want to buy what?
Winning Bidder: Well….
Girlfriend: And it costs how much?!
Winning Bidder: You see….
God: I’m revoking your reproduction rights.
Current Price: $15.00
This isn’t particularly excessive, actually—I just think that’s some fabulous artwork.
(Note: These aren’t actually videogame-related, but they are the things of nightmares.)
Current Price: $1.00
From the auction:
“HELLO up for your consideration is a cookie recipe. But what kind of cookie is the mystery!?! Everybody likes a little mystery every now and then. if i just told you the kind of cookie recipe you would be purchasing, that would take all the fun out of this auction. I think this cookie is rather different. Although I”m sure there our some other people who have had this type of cookie out there somewhere. This cookie actually taste very good, or so I think and other people i have made it for thought it was good.. It is easy to make and not that exspensive either. which is very important in these days and times. Its not your regular home baked favorites like chocolate chip, or peanut butter, or oatmeal,or sugar cookie. So what is it???? Well the answer to your question is just a click away.”
Current Price: $79.99
Current Price: AU$11.49
If you buy this for me, I can promise you that there will be pictures. If you buy two of these for me, I can promise you that I won’t publish the pictures on GameCola.
This thing is awesome. I could turn my private parts into art.
Current Price: $0.05 (with 0 bids!)
There’s no picture, but the auction has this winning description:
“this is an auction for a little yellow heart shaped skittle. it’s the runt of the bag.
if you win this auction you will ONLY recieve the runt yellow heart shaped skittle.
you will recieve no prizes, surprises, wonderful things, good stuff, or anything like that.
i will not post a picture of the skittle, it doesn’t like to be photographed.
and when i ship the skittle, it could melt, and die in the process, so i really can’t guarantee the tiny yellow heart shaped skittle.
instead you might get a yellow sticky mess.
if someone happens to pass through, and eat my little yellow heart shaped skittle, i’ll let you know.
his name is steve by the way.”
Current Price: $50.00
Apparently this is the second time she’s tried listing this auction. I think I know why no one bid last time—the wedding party appears to be a bunch of mannequins.
Current Price: $0.99
Leftover sausages? More like “oh crap, what do I do with all these extra thumbs?!”
I see a lot of pictures. And, as I see a lot of pictures, that means I don’t really need that much more text. So how about we just move onto the bullet points of interest for this brand-new issue of GameCola, yes?
- A GameCola writer loses his mind throughout the course of his three reviews in this issue.
- Eric Regan takes on his most formidable foe yet—himself—this month in Versus Mode!
- Want to take a break from all this…all this…reading?8 Inside the Guide has some Americana-infused distractions for you.
And with that, my dear readers, I bid you a fondest…oh, wait, hang on. I only have three bullet points there. That’s not enough yet, is it.
- Look! A review of Grand Theft Auto IV! And a guest review of Okami for the Wii! And hey—everyone loves Final Fantasy VII, right?
- And check this out—wacky eBay auctions! That’s this article, isn’t it. I probably shouldn’t link to this article.
Phew. Disaster averted. Enjoy the issue!
editor in chief