Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb Feature Presentation

Well, well, well. It's that time of the month again, eh? The deadline of GameCola's slavedriver creeps up on me once again. Make no mistake: All this amazingness is very well-thought-out and ALWAYS in at least 1,000 days early.

With content involving Tags , , , , , , , , , , , ,

These are all real games that are really being developed.

Well, well, well. It’s that time of the month again, eh? The deadline of GameCola’s slavedriver creeps up on me once again. Make no mistake: All this amazingness is very well-thought-out and ALWAYS in at least 1,000 days early. I most definitely am not the biggest slacker Mr. Franzen has ever met. I just wanted to assure you all of that because, well, the THUMBS are such a source of pure concentrated entertainment that I would hate to blow anyone’s mind by saying such silly things like it’s thrown together in 15 minutes.

Hard Working People (Wii)

Further establishing that the future of videogames in no longer in entertainment but in unrewarding work, this AMAZING new game is the next in the long line of success stories. Hard Working People lets you virtually do hardworkall those jobs you always dreamed of not doing.

Have a kitchen and the hankering to do some cooking, but just can’t will yourself up? Fear not, because you can be a hardworking chef!! Want to build muscle mass, but that gym is just so smelly? Who wants to go there—become a hardworking body builder! The list goes on and on and on. What wonderful jobs you can work hard at not really doing!

Thanks to the amazing name, you don’t have to feel even the slightest bit of remorse or foolishness for, well, you know…not actually doing these things, because…you’re hardworking!! Finally, you will be able to prove to all your friends that, in fact, if you all did set your sights on those childhood dreams of being the best gang of interviewers around, that YOU were the true talent of the bunch!

Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb says… Thumbs Up!

EyePet (PS3)

So did you think that the Eye Toy was dead? Well think again! Not only is the most amazing console peripheral back in action, it’s doing so in one of the most ingenious and useful ways possible: EyePet lets you have your own virtual pet! I mean, you can even like pretend to touch it and everything! EVERYTHING.


If you are like me, you loved Tamagotchis, but they were just too mobile. I mean, you could still actually do things while having a fake pet. Who wants that? If I am going to devote the needed energy to having a fake pet, I don’t want to be responsible for anything else. Watch any family sitcom ever…pets are HUGE responsibilities! This game is a godsend!

Other than the (in)mobilty factor, EyePet has millions of other features that make having a (fake) pet so much better than having a real one. You can turn it off. It has to be doing cute things at all times…I mean, it’s in the programming! It won’t puke on your bed OR eat your sneakers! They never bite…. Umm uuh…MILLIONS MORE! Honest. This is a REALLY REALLY GREAT IDEA. It has no chance of NOT becoming the most iconic game of our time.

OK, well, I thought I was just joking right now. Then I remembered Nintendogs. I need to go have a nice cry.

Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb says… Thumbs Down.

Celebrity Sports Showdown (Wii)

Sports games have always been a part of videogaming. There are so many different sports! And so many of the exact same ways to make them into games! Well, for most sports, that is—you know, the ones people pay attention too. However, there are tons of other sports games that just can’t come up with ways to put out “new” yet exactly the same editions year after year. THANKFULLY, EA has found such a way.


Add celebrities!! I mean, sure, most sports games have a create-a-character options or whatnot, but now the developers can do that for you…and you can buy yet another skiing or lacrosse or hammer-throwing game that you DESPERATELY need! Look, the Olympics doesn’t need to be the only time we care about these things. We can also care about them when Amanda Bynes’ or Hannah Montana’s father’s faces are on our pixilated avatars performing these activities.

One can only hope that the massive sales for this title will lead us to the one TRUE celebrity sports game that EVERYONE would actually want to play…celebrity boxing! Complete with blood and bruises. Huzzah.

Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb says… Thumbs Down.

Ar tonelico 2 (PS2)

Just when you thought they didn’t make PlayStation 2 games anymore…there’s one! Look everyone, normal dating sims are sooo stupid. I mean, just go out and get the REAL thing, right? Of course. ANYONE can do that.

arWhat we truly need is a dating sim that lets you do things you could never actually do in real life…like, say, making sure two “female” robots had the most compassionate romance since…Cleopatra, and, uh, that snake or whatever she loved so great…I mean, Cleopatra! That’s a great ICON of compassionate romance, right? I’m sure there is something amazing just like that in this game. Just think about that. You know, just with some Japanese anime robots thrown in. Who all happen to be female.

Well, if one thing can be said about this game, it’s that the developers at least know their audience. I am fairly certain that if your console of choice is still the PS2, you have already pre-ordered this game. MAGICAL LESBIAN ROBOTS…AHOY!

Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb says… Thumbs Up!

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad (X360)

I remember a time when videogames weren’t all about trying to be wacky with the nongaming. Or about short skirts and boobies. Or about sports. OK, I’m lying—I don’t remember a time like that, and neither bikinido you! Thankfully, things wont be changing anytime soon, because then we might not be able to gaze upon…bikini samurai.

That sounds reasonable, right? I mean, samurai never wore armor or anything. I can most definitely see ancient Japanese wars taking place in bikinis. Plus, this game also has zombies. I mean, they should just of called it Bikini Samurais Killing Zombies. In fact, I am 100% sure that is what Onechanbara means.

Plot? Gameplay? Controls? Who even cares if this game has those extra features! It’s KILLING ZOMBIES IN BIKINIS. Obviously a recipe for the greatest game ever. That, is of course, if you have failed at your numerous attempts to catch a glimpse of the ending of that magical lesbian robot game.

Captain Eric’s Psychic Thumb says… Thumbs Down.

Well once again I, Captain Eric, have decimated your hopes and dreams of the future of gaming. Hopefully this fine helping of zombies, robots, bikinis, and celebrities will be able to hold off the masses for another month—at which point I SHALL return with even more AMAZINGNESS or not so AMAZINGNESS from the future!

3 votes, average: 8.00 out of 103 votes, average: 8.00 out of 103 votes, average: 8.00 out of 103 votes, average: 8.00 out of 103 votes, average: 8.00 out of 103 votes, average: 8.00 out of 103 votes, average: 8.00 out of 103 votes, average: 8.00 out of 103 votes, average: 8.00 out of 103 votes, average: 8.00 out of 10 (You need to be a registered member to rate this post.)

About the Contributor

From 2004 to 2012

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *