Hello, folks. As you may know, I recently announced my intention to stop writing “Carbonated News.” No sooner did I announce this than GameCola Head Editor Paul Franzen wrote a news report entitled “Sonic to Star in New Sonic Game.” Paul’s column, while well-intentioned, ended up inciting massive fanboy rage. Uh oh.
So now it looks like I’ll have to bail Paul out before he gets hurt.
Paul’s big mistake was, of course, reporting accurate news about Project Needlemouse, instead of making jokes about needles or mice. What he should have written was something more like this:
Sonic the Hedgehog Will NOT Star in the New Sonic Game
Sega recently announced that the next Sonic the Hedgehog game will NOT star their beloved mascot, Sonic the Hedgehog. It will instead star Slonic the SledgeSlog, who is, quote, “less hedgehoggy.”
Fans will be glad to hear that this is not the end of Sonic, by jingo. No, Sonic is going to live on by merging with another flailing-in-popularity Archie Comics franchise: Josie and the Pussycats.
“It was a simple decision to make,” said Archie Comics Head Editor W. Weatherbee. “We haven’t produced any Josie comics in years, because we’ve been too busy trashing the Archie Comics formula that’s worked for 50 years. First, we turned Sabrina into a manga-style comic. Then, we turned Betty and Veronica into a manga-style comic. Then, we released several ‘New Look’ graphic novels of the main series, and we ran that storyline where Jughead got pregnant with Dilton’s baby. It was only a matter of time before we decided to alienate the Sonic and Josie fans, too.”
“Also, Archie should totally end up with Betty. Just saying.”