Oh, that wasn’t Fanta Fruit Twist, was it? Tasted like… It was poison. It was bloody arsenic. Well, that’s great. I’m going to die. Well there goes nothing.

I’m drifting…drifting…

I feel such contemptible agony. I feel everything the human race has done. We…we were a very hurtful race deep down at the core. We’ve lived for as long as we have because we hurt others.

2012…the cataclysm…life anew… I’ve seen everything. I feel it.

Spirits, what is this which you torture me with? One last review, for old times’ sake?

Hahaha…all right.

Miss World ’96. I didn’t understand why this game featured a globe on the title screen. Did it really need to tell us what world it was set in? Without that globe in the background, I might have thought the game took place on some kind of alien planet where playing Miss World ’96 was acceptable behaviour.

The game seems to take place on one of six worlds. These must be the sentient stars that the human race created in order to escape their inevitable extinction, in existence above the cloud layer of the Quasar Nebulon. One of these worlds is the infamous Planet Europe, where they eat nothing but mayonnaise.

I’ve always…I’ve always wanted to go to Africa. Spirits, take me there.

An odd, floating head has appeared. Strange, I don’t remember this from before.

I cannot look away from his eyes…my thoughts…corrupting… I suddenly feel myself compelled to talk about the Pac-Man character. Spirits, may I?

Thank you.

Your small orange Pac-Man is bound to the edge of the shaded area. He moves in straight lines, turning at right angles only. By drawing an area and then returning to the edge, that chunk of the shaded area is destroyed. As you destroy the shaded area, the image underneath is revealed. Once you clear enough of the screen, the foreground is removed and you are free to gander at the background underneath. Nothing is left to the imagination. Everything that I said about Poker Ladies doesn’t even scratch the surface.

I wonder if any of these ladies are dead now…

Sometimes, during the game, it will—

—”turn”. The image of the naked woman is replaced by a horrifying picture of Pinhead with his conjoined twin…? Sometimes you might be spared this monstrosity, and instead shown an image of Freddy Kreuger’s face melting, releasing mini Freddy Kreuger faces.

I remember…that song. “Everybody work your body,” it went. Michael Zagar Band, I believe. Well, originally. The version in this game is a cover, if I recall correctly.

The music didn’t even loop properly, did it? It cut and looped half-way through. No, it wasn’t just exclusive to this track, was it. All of the music in the game did this. I remember now.

And the voices. Please. Make them stop. Stop it. Stop. STOP! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! NOW!

…

…

Spirits…what is this you are telling me…

Comad released another version of this game?

Called Miss Mister World ’96?

I see…it is all clear to me now. Miss Mister World ’96 is more of the same, but with added penises.

It’s like comparing Nintendogs + Cats to Nintendogs, except nothing like in that example. This is funny: some parts of this game haven’t been updated. Not even enough to match the fundamental changes made to the game. A lot of the text still expects you to pick a woman and not a man.

Well, let’s select a guy then, and get this over with…

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