If you clicked on this link hoping to follow along as Paul “The Tough One” Franzen, Michael “The Cute One” Gray, and Nikola “The Mysterious One” Suprak try to break into the world of teenage boy bands, only to fail because they are neither teenagers nor singers, then you clicked on the wrong link. And I suggest you read more carefully, because nothing in the tagline should have given you that impression.
HOWEVER.
If you have been anxiously waiting for the GameCola Pony Pros—Paulie Pie, Nikola Sparkle, and Mike Sunshine—to talk about the DS visual novel 999 (sometimes), My Little Pony (more often), and absolutely nothing even remotely related to the game they are playing (most often), then you’re in luck! The middle three videos of this nine-part smorgasbord are ready for your immediate consumption. If you missed the first three, you can check them out here, or I can just summarize the important points below:
1) I don’t remember
Anyway, follow along in the next three videos as the three amigos walk you through 999: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors. Along the way, you will encounter:
- Paul abandoning Michael and Nikola.
- The resulting video being far more positive despite Paul being the one that likes the game.
- The only good puzzle in the entire game.
- Junpei and crew leaving behind an extremely dangerous weapon that will in no way screw them over in the future.
- It immediately screws them over.
- The body count grows.
- Then shrinks.
- Then grows again…no wait, it stays the same—wait no, seriously how is he not dead. Seriously, that should be fatal. GO FOR THE HEAD GO FOR THE HEAD THAT THING ISN’T HUMAN RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.
- Killer is revealed, and takes forever to explain his overly convoluted plot.
- Paul returns, brings the negativity and the funk.
- Everyone gets bored because we have to sit through the same dialogue again.
- Paul is again distracted by Lotus, and erroneously refers to Demon of the Fleeting Blossom as Journey to the Demon Bosom, Fievel Goes West as Fievel Goes Breast, and Super Mario Bros. as Boobs.
- Absolutely nothing interesting happens in the last video, leading Nikola, Paul, and Michael to try to swap 3DS friend codes and stalk their favorite 999 pony artist.
- Of course, that video has more likes and comments than the other two.
- A door closes, immediately breaking a water pipe and freezing the door shut instantaneously because designing good escape scenarios is hard.
- AND MORE!
So click here or scroll down to watch all of the amazing videos in all their glory. Or don’t, and enjoy the curse Paul puts on you with his voodoo beard magic.
[Editor’s note: For the conclusion to this series, click here.]
