Gamera Obscura: The Dénouement

Over 8 million people purchased Halo 3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sold a whopping 12 million. And Nintendo can’t defecate out Pokémon and “Wii Insert Random Thing To Do Here” games fast enough to completely satisfy the masses. But with all these amazing successes, there have been numerous games and even complete series that have fallen to the wayside. Remember: for every Super Mario Bros., there’s a Shutokou Battle 2: Drift King Keichii Tsuchiya & Masaaki Bandoh. As a proud gamer, I feel that it is my privilege—nay, my duty—to take some time and offer a brief glimpse at many of the games that disappeared into bargain bins and trash bins alike due to overshadowing from more prominent titles, as well as titles that will forever remain sequestered within one region of the world. You’d better be prepared to be educated a little, because there is much that you haven’t seen.

Hi there, Ominous Voice.

WHOA, WHAT’S THE DEAL? WHY ARE WE SITTING IN A FRIGGIN’ EMPTY ROOM WITH A BUNCH OF FRAYED WIRES STICKIN’ OUT OF THE WALLS?

Oh, didn’t you hear? “Gamera Obscura” has been cancelled by the almighty powers that be.

WHAT? ARE YOU PULLING MY CHAIN? WHAT HAPPENED?

GameCola’s going to be shifting its focus to, well, pretty much everything non-mainstream, so that means that our primary focus is now the focus of the entire site, more or less. We’ve been declared redundant!

OH, SO IT’S NOT BECAUSE YOU PISSED OFF PAUL WITH YOUR OFF-KILTER COMPLAINTS AND JABS AT THE INCESSANT GAMECOLA WEDDINGS?

Oh, that’s probably the entire reason why this change is being initiated: just to shove our precious article out of existence. I knew we’d been scorned by fellow staffers before, but now I’m sure of it! Absolutely!

ALL RIGHT, WELL, WHAT DO WE DO NOW? WRITE TO OUR CONGRESSMEN?

I don’t have a congressman.

CAN WE BUY ONE?

No. But I’ll tell you one thing: If this is how things are going to be, I adamantly refuse to look at another obscure game this month.

WHAT?!

Yeah, you heard me. Don’t worry: I’m not going to do anything radical like chain myself to a radiator in protest or drop steaming logs into Michael Gray’s porridge. But I am going to protest such brutal, BRUTAL treatment of GameCola’s most beloved column…about obscure games…from Japan…written by me. So no, we’re not going to talk about a mysterious game at all. Let Matt Jonas do it.

…SO, WHAT DO WE DO IN OUR LAST ARTICLE? JUST SIT HERE AND BITCH ABOUT GAMECOLA ALL DAY?

Nope. We’re not going to do that at all. We’re going to try and find the most mainstream game out there and talk about THAT!

I LIKE YOUR MOXIE, JEFF! LET’S DO IT! WHAT’S THE MOST MAINSTREAM GAME OUT THERE?

Well, it’s a toss-up between Super Mario Bros. 3 and Melon Chan’s Growth Diary. Which do you think is more popular?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? EVERYONE’S TALKING ABOUT MELON CHAN’S GROWTH DIARY! I KEEP MY OWN GROWTH DIARY, YOU KNOW.

Ugh, we don’t want to know about your growth diary and what you’re…er…growing. But that was a trick question, you silly shadow! Super Mario Bros. 3 is probably one of the, if not the sole, most mainstream games out there. Everybody knows about that one. Released in 1988 in Japan (and nearly two years later in North America and Europe due to a semiconductor shortage), Super Mario Bros. 3 was to game players what heroin is to drug fiends. After the strange journey through Sub-Con that was SMB2, gamers were ecstatic to see the leaps and bounds that SMB3 provided. Full map screens, new suits to try on for additional powers, and the inclusion of Bowser’s illegitimate children! How can anyone not love all of these things?!

WAIT, THIS “SUPER MARIO BROS. 3” YOU KEEP REFERRING TO… ISN’T THAT THE ONE IN THAT MOVIE, THE WIZARD?

The very same. Aside from the one instance of hyperbolized child molestation accusations in a California arcade, The Wizard was a great platform to show off Nintendo’s newest brainchild (and the acting talents of Fred Savage, no less).

THAT MOVIE WAS…A MOVIE.

Indeed, but it brought to millions of Americans more than just an entertaining romp through cinematic hell. It brought hope. Hope that they, too, can experience ethereal bliss, courtesy of a leaf-snatching plumber called Mario.

MMM, GOOD.

Yes, it is…

…

…

I’M GOING TO MISS THIS PLACE. I’D HAVE NEVER BELIEVED IT, BUT I’M GOING TO MISS THIS SHACK FROM HELL.

Me, too. In all seriousness, I’d like to thank all the readers who have tuned in these past two and a half years for our monthly take on the strange and obtuse in gaming. Both myself and the Ominous Voice appreciate all the positive feedback you’ve given to us, and we feel privileged to have been given this opportunity by Paul Franzen and his band of avid gaming afficionados.

SO, AM I NOW UNEMPLOYED? DO I HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY UNCLE AND BEG FOR MY JOB BACK?

Sorry, I don’t think the Regginator has any available positions at the moment. But I wouldn’t say that we’re completely unemployed just yet…