Samurai Sex Sim Surprise of the Month…
An Old Friend in Way of the Samurai 4
Looks like Number 4 is when a series stops and asks, “why the hell not?” Maybe cars can fly into the air and collide with helicopters. Maybe giant whale-shaped space ships do live in the ocean outside wizard villages. And maybe, just maybe, our samurai are ready for some good old-fashioned Japanese sex torture.
10 seconds of Google can fill you in on whatever buzz there is about the nontroversial sexulations in Way of the Samurai 4, so I’ll instead be telling you the story of a young man, who may or may not have experience playing Japanese AO “dating” sims, finding an old friend in the unlikeliest of places.
This lad is a big fan of the Way of the Samurai series, so naturally he eagerly downloaded the fourth installment when it hit the PSN shop. Frolicking around the streets of Amihama, he killed some gold-armor-clad, large-breasted woman by the name of “Melinda Megamelons” (yep, her actual name), and returned to his three sexy lady clients to reap his reward. Their offer? Cash, or something a little more scandalous:
Reward me.
>Play with me.
Nice. Naturally, Young Lad chose the option with the caret next to it, dimmed the lights, and prepared for action. After a brief stint waiting in a prison cell for his mistress to arrive, he was stripped down to his samurai undies and lead into what can only be described as “that rape room from Pulp Fiction, only slightly classier but with 10x as many gimps wearing nothing but leather masks and matching thongs.” But the bare behinds of sex slaves are not what caught Young Lad’s attention, no. Instead, it was a familiar face sitting in the center of the room, eagerly waiting to sink into his digital loins.
Wooden torture horse.
Immediately, the memories came flooding back….
His preconceived notions of the line between videogames and sex sims shattered, Young Lad spent the rest of his samurai days searching for the missing fourth mistress with the enemas.
What have we learned from this story? Almost nothing, but it does bring up an interesting point:
…
OK, so no, it doesn’t do that either. But here is the thought I really wanted to express with this whole article: “Oh. My. God. You guys, I just played Way of the Samurai 4—which is an ACTUAL videogame—and got tortured by this hot babe in the exact same way I’ve seen in Japanese AO sex games I’ve played! Whaaaaaaaaat! How…why is…what is this I don’t even?”
And there you have it. Matt Gardner willingly uses a meme. Congratulations, universe, you win.
P.S.: Your controller vibrates when you have sex with people.
…What just happened.