…Well, “hiring” probably isn’t the best word. “Hiring” implies that some amount of money will exchange hands. Maybe I should change that headline to “GameCola is Looking for New Writing Slaves!”
Yeah, that sounds more appropriate.
Anyway, hey! Hi! Hello! I’m Paul Franzen, Editor-in-Chief of GameCola.net, and I’m looking to add some fresh blood to the talent pool. Perhaps some new people who won’t make disgusting mixed metaphors like that. Do YOU have what it takes to become a part of the slowest-rising videogame website on the Internet?
Here’s what we’re looking for:
- Funny people.
That’s pretty much our primary requirement. The purpose of GameCola is to entertain, while maybe, perhaps, telling people a few things about videogames along the way. If people aren’t laughing while they’re reading your stuff, then you’re doing it wrong, at least as far as we’re concerned. We don’t really care about your résumé, or what kind of experience you have; if you’re a funny writer, you’re a funny writer, and whether you’ve been doing so for years or only for the past hour doesn’t make a difference to us.
If you meet that long list of requirements, what’s your next step? Easy: e-mail me with some writing samples showing off just how funny you are. If your samples meet with the approval of the GameCola Board of Directors (…or should that be “Beard of Directors”?), you’ll be “hired”!
And what if you’re hired? Then we’ll ask you to submit one post (be it a review; a regular, themed column; a webcomic; or whatever) per month. Applicants who are interested in creating webcomics or reporting videogame news for GameCola will receive preferential treatment, because nobody currently on the staff wants to do that anymore. (Though, if you are interested in becoming a “news reporter,” we might ask you to write more than one post per month, because news usually happens more frequently than that.)
Remember, the e-mail address is this one. I hope to hear from YOU!
…And if I don’t…I’ll have to break out that picture again. You know the one.
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Paul Franzen is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of GameCola.net. He also has a very fine beard. Learn more (about the beard) at paulfranzen.wordpress.com. 
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Aw, does this mean I’m fired again?
This should give those who have contacted ‘Cola before and been rejected on grounds of “too many writers” another chance at getting on here. Of course, they still have to be funny.
Wait until they find out GameCola is just a cover for an international prostitution ring…
Hello Gamecola team,
Well I am quite interested in doing something like this, but I’ve never done anything like it before. I am funny, smart and literate but what exactlly would be expected of me? Would you send drones after me if I missed the monthly deadline or something?
Thanks.. Emilie
@Emilie
You’ve pretty much nailed it! After one missed deadline, we send in the drones; after every subsequent missed deadline, we kick a puppy for each missing article. (Matt Gardner heads up our Puppy Kicking Department.)
We’re actually pretty laid-back about missed deadlines (unless it’s been months and months and months since your last article, and I haven’t heard from you and NIKOLA SUPRAK, WHERE ARE THOSE GOSH-DARN BACK TO THE FUTURE REVIEWS?!). We just need to maintain a regular flow of content, so as long as we’re doing that, it’s not the end of the world if someone has to take a few months off.
…of course, that said, the reason we’re looking for new writers right now is that we HAVEN’T been able to maintain that regular flow of content. Where are those drones…
Oh no not the puppies! D:
Actually I think I’d do pretty good in that department.
But anyways, I guess I’ll try and think of something to write about and email it to you! Now that we have the drone issue all cleared up..
I’m not too worried about the prostitution ring thing either.
Thanks!
And lets say the submitted article has less appeal than a vampire squid from hell, do you drown sereval innocent kittens? Small, helpless, innocent, fuzzy kittens? Or are there more severe consequences? Such as decapitation?
Oh, well if someone submits a bad article…we unleash the previously kicked puppies, and tell them to ATTACK. Did I mention they all have rabies?
Well as much as I would love to try doing something like this, I think it would be out of the question. This would be because I’m only 17, and I’ve never played a Phoenix Wright game. I look forward to what new will be brought to GameCola though.
You know, I started GameCola when I was 17! …I also wasn’t a very good writer then, though. Still, anyone who wants to is encouraged to apply!
Really!? Well then I guess I’ll get to working on a sample review or…something game related!
What about posting something on Gamedev.net for something like this? Considering we get so many review requests for indie games, that would be fairly relevant.
By what date do these samples need to get sent in? I will be away for all of next week and I don’t know if I will finish before Sunday. Can I submit it in two weeks?
Sure, that works!
you kick a puppy? O_o jesus, that’s brutal.
Just sent in my article, hope you guys like it. ^_^
Yeah. We don’t screw around here.
Well, screwing around and kicking puppies, is a totally different level. ._.
…..what kind of puppies, if i may, ask? D:
They’re dead ones now. Kind of hard to tell what they are after Paul’s finished with them.
Aye. Yikes. O_o So… who gets the most puppies kicked? And why is paul so brutal? ._.