Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul Franzen: Howdy there, my pixilante pardners, and welcome to the cult-classic Internet phenomenon known as Digital Championship Wrestling.
Eric Regan: Yeah. Three-man cult.
Paul: I’m Paul Franzen, and with me this evening—prepare for a surprise—is my “partner,” “Captain” Eric Regan.
Eric: Are you saying we’re gay lovers there pal? Because I know for a fact that we ain’t .
Paul: Potatoes, potatoes.
Eric: You’re a potato.
Eric: So what EXCITING match do we have lined up tonight? Preferably something that will make us forget all about that awkward opening!
Paul: Month after month after month, I tell you that we’ve got a bonafide legend competing in our squared circle.
Paul: Well…this time we actually do.
Paul: The incomparable PAC-MAN, ladies and gentlemen, is making his professional-wrestling debut TONIGHT, in the James Pond Memorial Coliseum!
Eric: Jeez, what cemetery did you dig him up from.
Paul: And his opponent tonight! Is some rock thing, I don’t know.
Eric: SOME rock THING?! You DON’T know??
Eric: That is the incomparable GEODUDE! One of the most famous Pokémon ever!
Eric: Are you not a Brock fan??
Paul: If he wasn’t in Pokémon Red, then he doesn’t matter.
Eric: You have ZERO cartoon-watching cred, man ZERO .
Paul: I think I can live with that.
Eric: Bulbasaur is a chump compared to the GREATNESS that is Geodude! And he shall show tonight why he truly is the champion of circle-shaped characters .
Timekeeper’s Bell: Ding ding!
Paul: Well, you know what that means folks! It means that the match is officially ON.
Paul: And it means that Geodude is about to be Geodone.
Eric: Or maybe Pac-Man is about to be Packedupandreadytogo-Man.
Paul: Hah! Good one, Eric!
Eric: I hate you with a passion.
Eric: It looks like Geodude is the first on the offensive, with an impressive tackle on the yellow one.
Paul: What match are YOU watching? I saw the rock thing dive, but it missed, because Pac-Man was too quick for him.
Eric: Well that nifty maneuver has put Pac-Man in a very advantageous position, as he is now going for a devastating from-behind-the-back missile drop kick.
Paul: He kicks him in the back, and he lands back on his feet…Geodude’s on the ground…and Pac-Man drops down and locks in an anklelock submission! I knew this match would be over early.
Paul: It’s Diablo vs. a Chocobo all over again.
Eric: But Geodude powers out of it and tosses Pac-Man into the turnbuckles, like some sort of light weight doll. A rag doll, if you will!
Paul: Geodude chases right after Pac-Man, and he nails him with a clothesline, sending both characters tumbling over the top rope and down to the arena floor.
Paul: And referee Marty Jannetty starts his ten count.
Eric: Geodude is battering Pac-Man with some overhand rights! Oh, it is not looking pretty. Pac-Man’sface is getting pretty busted up, and right in front of a legion of young fans decked out in Pac-Man Fever t-shirts. He could not have foreseen this.
Eric: Geodude finally relents and slips back into the ring, as Pac-Man is stunned and staggering outside.
Paul: It’s not looking good…Marty’s reached 7 already….
Eric: Pac-Man is on hands and knees, trying to reach up for a rope…CAN…HE…DO…IT??
Paul: 8! 9!
Paul: HE MAKES IT! HE’S BACK IN!
Paul: Geo goes to grab Pac-Man by his enormous head, but Pac-Man dodges and gets back to his feet. The two lockup, and Pac-Man gets the advantage, nailing GeoDude with a belly-to-belly suplex.
Eric: Oh, and that rock hits the canvas hard! LISTEN to that boom!
Paul: Pac picks him back up…BOOM! Another suplex.
Paul: BOOM! And another!
Eric: BY GAWD! Look at those enormous holes in the canvas now—who knew the Pac-ster had such incredible strength!
Paul: WHO SAID THAT WAS ALLOWED.
Paul: GODDAMMIT, STOP THIS! STOP BREAKING THE RING!
Eric: GameCola budget a little low, eh Franzen?
Paul: We’re gonna have to stop this match right now if you don’t get your little pokey man friend to knock it off!
Eric: Hey look, it’s Pac-Man causing all the damage….
Eric: Geodude is laying nearly unconscious as Pac-Man plays to the crowd.
Paul: Finally, Pac-Man goes for the cover…one, two, and…NO! Dammit!
Eric: Geodude springs back up and has Pac-Man in a gorilla press now! What a turnaround.
Paul: He goes to slam him, but he trips over one of the holes and they BOTH fall in.
Eric: And oh my! They sure jump back out quickly, and…dash to opposite sides of the ring? They sure look terrified…. What could possibly have spooked them that much!
Paul: YOUR MOM!
Paul: That one actually made SENSE!
Paul: Oh man, that was a good one, Paul.
Eric: No, in fact, it was not my mother. It is…those ghost things from the Pac-Man game! WHAT ON EARTH ARE THEY DOING HERE!
Paul: Blinky, Winky, uhhh…Rinky and Dinky come POURING out of the hole…. Hey Eric…does it count as illegal interference if the offenders are ethereal?
Eric: Well, I am not gonna lie—I am not that far into the rules book quite yet.
Paul: Pac-Man and Geodude are clutching our ring ropes, terrified, as four colorful ghosts wander around our ring….
Eric: They better move if they don’t want to get caught! These ghouls are fast approaching.
Paul: Too late! Two ghosts touch Pac-Man, two ghosts touch Geodude…and both characters blink and then disappear.
Eric: How do we call a winner?
Paul: Well, I guess that’s all the time we have for you this month in DCW!
Paul: I’m…oh god, Eric, you better watch out.
Paul: They’re coming for you now.
Paul: The GHOSTS!
Paul: They’re advancing!
Eric: All you man.
Eric: ALL YOU.
Eric: I’m out!
Paul: OH GOD….OH GOD!!!!!
And then…only silence.