(Editor’s note: This article was originally published in the March 2009 issue of GameCola, back when GameCola was published in a monthly online magazine format.)
GameCola Faithful, I am outraged. I am outraged, and I am humiliated. I am outraged, I am humiliated, and I am stupefied. I mean, did you see last month’s table of contents? They conspired against me I know it! Meteo and his ex-wife Hoover. It’s bad enough they’re jealous that I’m chief editor Paul’s favorite kid; they need to humiliate me by creating an overarching topic for last month’s reviews section without telling me! I don’t care that my review was way better than anything those juveniles could eke out with their dull Crayola crayons—the point is that they tried to make me look bad, and that’s EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID! Well, guess what, hobos? I can review a Mega Man game too! I can review a Mega Man game like the best of them!
Mega Man Xtreme is the goddamn pinnacle of the entire Mega Man franchise. It’s got everything all the other Mega Man games WISH they had. It’s got the running; it’s got the gunning. It has a weird super computer being taken over by the bad guys, and it’s got your little green buddy named Middy. One of the bosses is named Chill Penguin. Chill Penguin. The rest of the franchise ain’t got shit on this Game Boy Color masterpiece.
Look at those graphics. Look how fucking gorgeous they are. Are you looking, Nathaniel? Are you crying over how beautiful they are? Tears must be streaming down your fat fucking face, you ass bitch. You can’t get this kind of beauty on a TV screen. No, it’s only on the Game Boy Color that you get this kind of colorful wisdom for the eyes. That’s why they call it the Game Boy COLOR.
…Fuck. I don’t know how to go on from here. I really hate Mega Man. Like, really. It’s not that the games are too hard, they’re just…I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you can’t shoot up. Yeah, we’ll go with that. Mega Man sucks because you can’t shoot up. I’m sure there’s some college student who wrote a paper on that topic. Hah, college. I actually have my last college audition this weekend. Exciting, right, Faithful? Musical theater so kicks Mega Man’s ass. If Mega Man were to ever be locked in a cage and had to fight the main cast of RENT, he’d not be able to touch a single one of them with that tiny little arm cannon of his. Well, Angel would probably die of AIDS, but the rest of them would kick Mega Man’s ass.
Anyway, in conclusion, Mega Man Xtreme is a videogame on the Game Boy Color, Angel dies in the middle of RENT, and Meteo and his pet monkey Nathan are in love with a guy who could get beat up by a bunch of people with AIDS. I can’t come up with an actual grade for this game, so instead, here’s two of your lucky numbers, and the PIN number to Meteo’s bank account. Indulge on all $4 left within. Happy shopping!