We here at “Fabricated News” were astounded when we read GameCola’s “List of the Top 50 Videogames Ever Made,” which is also known as “The List Where Everyone Disagrees With Michael.” Not only did the list completely ignore BurgerTime, but it also gave awards to games that clearly don’t deserve to win, because we’ve never heard of them before.
By our count, the official list has over 60 different Mario games on it. In other words, it contains every Mario game ever made except one…the one Mario game we were so sure would be on the list that we put it on our Fabricated “Top 20 Best Games” list. That’s right, we’re talking about…
The original Super Mario Bros. This game single-handedly invented Nintendo of America, and it didn’t get a single vote in the GameCola Popularity Contest. Obviously, this means that no one likes Super Mario Bros. anymore, so “Fabricated News” sent out its top reporters to find out why.
The results were shocking, to say the least. It turns out that nobody has actually played Super Mario Bros., and if they have, they played as Luigi. Why did the game sell so many copies, then? Because it was paired with a far superior game:
Yes, Duck Hunt is the good game, not Super Mario Bros. First person shooters like Portal are popular, because there’s nothing more exciting than shooting at a target, then shooting at a target, and then shooting at a target. If you don’t believe me, read a review for Halo or DinoShock; reviewers tend to praise these games more highly than they do their wives on Valentine’s Day. You can expect a review of a first-person shooter to contain any number of ridiculously pretentious phrases like “life-changing journey,” “all-encompassing experience,” “hyphen-using adventure,” or if they’re playing Metroid Prime 3, “Waaah! Waaaah! My arm hurt after playing it for two minutes! Aiming the Wii-mote at the screen is a terrible idea for a control scheme! It’s so non-intuitive! Waaah! Waaah!” [Source: The GameCola Podcast].
So it’s only natural that Super Mario Bros. got no votes in the “Top 50 Games” list. Besides, it’s old, and people nowadays seem to think “old” means “bad,” judging from the fact that everyone buys a new cell phone every other month. Seriously, Nintendo needs to make some sort of New Super Mario Bros., if they want to keep from going bankrupt. Just make sure it’s paired with New Duck Hunt, and it’ll be a best-seller. After all, it has “Mario” in the title, and that’s all you need in order to make a great game. At least, that’s what the “GameCola Top 50” list tells us.