Let’s give it another go. Late last year, I tried starting a weekly column in which I recapped all the week’s posts from the Internet’s favorite hentai beard Matt Jonas videogames website, GameCola.net. It didn’t really work, because nobody paid any attention, even though I promised them delicious cookie recipes.
So why try it again now? Two reasons:
1) We’ve started posting more frequently as of late, and I want to make sure that no articles slip through the cracks, and
2) I actually only have one reason.
So welcome to videogames. Please enjoy your stay, and if you find this article helpful, POST! You guys are always so quiet.
• A few new indie games were announced: The End, which wants teenagers to think about death even more than they already do; To the Moon, which wants you to re-do your life, and do it right this time; and Zombie Minesweeper, which proves that GameCola has absolutely no sense of consistency in choosing which games to report about.
• Also, we learned that the Xbox Live Indie game FortressCraft, which is a shameful rip-off of the indie PC hit Minecraft, has made over $1 million in revenue. In that same time period, GameCola has made $1.78 in ad revenue. By the way—did you know that you can advertise on GameCola for mere pennies, or possibly penny, a day?
• We decided to review Back to the Future: The Game a couple of times. Why? Because we had two writers who had the exact opposite opinions about it, and they needed to have their voices heard. (For the record, they’re both wrong; the best episode of Back to the Future: The Game was the second one.)
“Poop is raining down from the heavens!!” Man, I will NEVER get tired of that level.
• Nathaniel Hoover tackled Tobe’s Vertical Adventure, which I believe is the SFW version of Tobe’s Horizontal Adventure. (I’m the first person to make that joke, right?)
• And, Matt Jonas took on the latest “Tetsuya Mizuguchi experience” Child of Eden, which is a game for the Kinect, and wait, Matt Jonas only published one review this week? Was he sick or something?
• Mark Freedman pointed out how little sense videogame currencies tend to make in the latest edition of “What the Crap?” I’d take the opportunity to point out some currency I think he should’ve included, but basically the entire GameCola staff already did that in the article’s comment section.
• Michael Gray took us on a tour of all the Big Fish games available for the iPhone! All…three of them. Don’t listen to what he says; they’re definitely all hidden object games.
• Matt Jonas supplemented his December 2010 review of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs with a blog post all about the game’s co-op component. Unfortunately, he didn’t include a sub-section about how to keep a straight face while asking someone to play Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs with you.
• I took us back to 1990, a time when people were getting all up in arms because a new Nintendo console was coming out, and nobody really wanted it yet. This has nothing to do with the Wii U what-so-ever.
Except., hang on…isn’t that a Wii U controller right there?!
Classic ‘Cola of the Week!
This week’s Classic ‘Cola is from what I refer to as “the good ol’ days,” and what everyone else refers to as “those horrible days when Paul was in charge of web design and decided to put all the articles on one stinkin’ page.” Only they don’t stay “stinkin’.” It’s The Gates of Life: Season One, Episode 8!
You remember The Gates of Life, right? …Right? GameCola’s choose-your-own-adventure-style story in which the readers get to vote on what path the story takes? This episode holds particular interest for me, because it’s the one where Matt Gardner took over writing duties from the story’s original author, Brian Wolf—this is the point when things start to degenerate from a typical fantasy story to one about talking spoons, mages with fusion powers, and aquatic bears who sing songs about how much they’re going to eat you.
Hey, is there a reason I’m suddenly talking about The Gates of Life again now? Hmmm…
And that was the week in ‘Cola! Remember, if you enjoyed this look at the long-forgotten past of seven days ago, be sure to comment, so the higher-ups at GameCola let me keep doing this. Oh, wait, I’M the higher-ups. Well, comment anyway, because I’m not going to waste my time doing this damn article if no one wants it! Also follow us on Facebook and Twitter, because your love is our lifeblood.