Who doesn’t love spam? Aside from those of us who already have all the Propecia and foreclosed homes we can handle. Like anyone else on the Internet, we here at GameCola swallow a steady diet of spam comments on our posts, briefly entertaining the notion that we need cheap Gucci handbags before sending all unwelcome comments into the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator. Unlike anyone else on the Internet, the spambots we seem to attract are funnier than we are.
That being said, I’m handing over control of this column to the kindly machines that continually advise me to resize my manly bits. Clearly, they are a resource that should be tapped more often (the kindly machines, that is; I’m not Christian Porter). With the help of my fellow staff writers, I’ve been collecting the most amusing spam comments Viagra can buy. Let’s see what hysterical filth has managed to attach itself to our articles, shall we?
Regarding Mark Freedman’s review of Fallout 3, a spammer writes: “I have never read such a wonderful article and I am coming back tomorrow to continue reading. I really like this website , and hope you will write more ,thanks a lot for your information. cheap oakleys You have a great web site here. If you would like you can see my web site. Hey Every one how are you doinging. cheap oakley sunglasses hope you are haveing a wonderful day? Excellent, but it would be better if in future you North face outlet can share more about this subject. Keep posting.”
Wow, I would love to see your website but SOMEONE FORGOT TO PROVIDE A HYPERLINK cheap oakleys. This is reminiscent of that fateful comment from Couch Outlet Store Online that triggered the Great GameCola Spam-Off of 2011, in which the entire staff descended into uncontrollable advertising in the comments section of our “Q&AmeCola: Strange Games” post. The spam comment may have since been deleted, but its legacy lives on.
In my informative “Impaired Closed Captioning: EarthBound” column, I unveiled some dark secrets about Google, shared frightening insights about GameCola’s Editor-in-Chief, and discussed the possible criminal history of U2 vocalist Bono. In response to this enlightening post, spambot Lavan writes: “You have more useful info than the British had coolneis pre-WWII.” Thank you, spambot Lavan. I pride myself on my inability to distinguish between whether you meant “coolness” or colonies.”
On the subject of EarthBound, my Thanksgiving-themed EarthBound video was a revolutionary stroke of brilliance, as Jacklynn points out: “That’s a mold-bearker. Great thinking!” I wonder sometimes whether our spam commenters actually know what spam is, or whether we’re just being targeted by some English class in a foreign nation for extra-credit writing practice.
While our joint video talkthrough of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade ultimately wasn’t as much of a mold-bearker, “Zidane himself participated in this paragraph named after him and global set limit to 500 pieces of large engineer automatic wrist watch match colors and personalized design. This type OF,” says cheap louis vuitton purse. Good golly, I wish I could get a paragraph named after me. Stupid Zidane, stealing my Thundara.
Looking beyond GameCola to the blogs of our contributors, we’ve got a real winner from Jillian Dingwall, whose rant about annoying online abbreviations entitled “Abbreviate This: *middle finger*” prompted this important nugget: “Chicken is placed back into the rice very carefully, covered and placed back in the oven for about 10 minutes. Badgers.”
From Jillian: “That’s it. Nothing else. Wtf is the deal with the badgers???”
Perhaps “badgers” is cutesy new slang for “bad,” as another spam commenter goes on to say, “Hrm, Not the best post unfortunately. Sorry to be so blunt! You should try some Norwegian carrot cake to cheer you up instead”
I…think I need something stronger than carrot cake. The fact that these are actual, legitimate spam comments is starting to warp my perceptions of reality, and I’m going to end up like Matt Jonas if I keep at this much longer. It’s probably best to make a graceful exit while I can, leaving you with some sage parting advice I picked up from a reader named Tennis Videos on an old “Pimp My ‘Cola” article:
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
["Spam Attack" logo credit: Colin Greenhalgh]