Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Hello my LEGIONS of gamefans, and welcome—WELCOME!!—to Digital Championship Wrestling! I’m Paul Franzen, and with me, as always, is my broadcast colleague, esteemed GameCola writer and apparent psychic “Captain” Eric Regan.
Eric: Don’t doubt the powers, Franzen!
Eric: So! By the change in scenery I am noticing, we must have a DOOZY lined up for this month, isn’t that right, Paul?
Paul: You are DAMN skippy, Regan! We’re NOT coming to you LIVE from the James Pond Memorial Coliseum this month. This month, while the arena’s under some structural repairs due to some lingering effects of our epic Birdo vs. The Mayor of SimCity match from a few months ago…
Paul: …we are coming to you LIVE from Big P’s Put Put Adventures in Seaside Park, New Jersey!
Eric: Wow! Home of the best miniature golf on the east coast! This should be one hell of a showdown.
Eric: What possible combatants could step up to the task of performing in such a legendary place?
Paul: Oh, believe you me—when I tell you, you’ll think you’ve died and gone to some bizarro-world heaven that has videogame characters in pro-wrestling matches.
Paul: BUT FIRST, there’s something I’d like to get off my chest.
Eric: Oh boy.
Eric: This isn’t another rant about your sleeping attire is it?
Paul: You leave my silk pajamas out of this, Regan.
Paul: As all my Fanzens know, a few months back, we had a match that pitted the heroes of the world-famous arcade game Gauntlet against one another in a fight to the pinfall.
Paul: I forget who won, but that’s not what matters here—what matters is that I made a grave mistake in calling that match.
Paul: You see!
Paul: …I completely failed…
Paul: ….to refer to this match by the DELICIOUSLY and OBVIOUSLY AMAZINGLY PUNNY name of the “GAUNTLET GAUNTLET.”
Eric: Damn! I thought I was in the clear of that one.
Paul: And for that, I apologize.
Eric: Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t swift, Mr. Franzen. Never.
Paul: I don’t know what was wrong with me that month, but, clearly, I was not announcing up to the standards you’ve come to expect.
Eric: I’m sure they were in such a mesmerized trance of pure ecstasy from the goodness that I DO bring each month that they hardly noticed.
Paul: That said, tonight—this very minigolf course—we have for you, ladies and gentlemen, the RIBBIT KING RUMBLE!!
Eric: BY GAWD! A rumble?! At this time of year? INSANITY.
Paul: In which EIGHT—EIGHT!!—stars of the CLASSIC PS2/GameCube game Ribbit King will DO BATTLE. RIGHT HERE, AND RIGHT NOW.
Eric: Can this miniature course hold such major star power? I guess will we find that out, won’t we!
Paul: Remember, gamefans—this match will only end when EVERY character but ONE has either been pinned or made to submit.
Paul: NO DQ.
Paul: NO COUNT OUTS!
Paul: THERE MUST BE A WINNER.
Eric: HARDCORE TO THE MAXXXTREEEM!
Eric: The only way the denizens of Ribbit King roll.
Paul: And we’re off!
Paul: Scooter—that’s the rabbit thing, and the main character—is clubbing his girlfriend, Princess Tippi, in the face with a frolf mallet.
Eric: Such ferocity!! This is not for the light hearted.
Paul: Robopenguin Sir Waddlealot shoves Scooter out of the way and goes for the pinfall! 1, 2, 3, and Tippi is OUT of this match!
Paul: And I don’t believe she’s actually noticed..
Paul: Maybe we should move away so we don’t disturb her slumber.
Eric: Disturb her slumber? This is a damn wrestling match! NO SLUMBER PARTY HERE.
Eric: Meanwhile, it looks like Sluggy is charging at Pan Pan and that picnic-basket character with his patented Clothesline from Queerstreet.
Paul: But the picnic basket dives forward, causing Sluggy to stumble! Pan Pan is quick to capitalize with a BY GAWD STONE COLD STUNNER!
Eric: Oh man, he may just be a Condemned panda if Steve finds out about this.
Paul: BY GAWD THAT WAS A GREAT PUN REGAN!!!!
Paul: You’re learning!
Eric: Shoot me, please.
Paul: Picnic goes for the pinfall and eliminates Sluggy from this matchup, while Pan Pan gets carried away by a miniature windmill.
Paul: The picnic basket—whose name, I believe, is Pickwick—starts scaling the windmill, trying to climb up to reach Pan Pan.
Eric: But as he reaches Pan Pan, the windmill BREAKS and Pan Pan goes tumbling down onto some brightly colored gnomes or something.
Paul: MEANWHILE, Scooter and Lunk—who is a large pile of rocks—are grappling in a sand trap.
Eric: I’m going to have to give the grappling edge to the pile of rocks.
Eric: What do you think, Paul?
Paul: I think I smell what the rocks are cooking, Eric.
Eric: Damn, I set that one up, didn’t I?
Eric: WAIT! What is this!? Out of nowhere some blob thing with a sprout coming out of its head has run in and gotten the ONE TWO THREE on the fallen Pan Pan!
Eric: CHAOS ABOUNDS.
Paul: Blob thing…you mean Pepe Pappy Papoo?? Pepe Pappy Papoo! By GAWD, it’s Pepe Pappy Papoo.
Paul: Pepe Pappy Papoo.
Paul: Pickwick is still straddling the windmill, not having made it all the way up to its spinning, fearsome blades.
Paul: By GAWD, he must be…one, TWO feet up in the air!
Paul: OH MY GAWD!
Paul: Elbow drop from the top of the miniature windmill!!!!
Paul: But Pepe Pappy Papoo rolls out of the way, and Pickwick CRASHES into the pile of gnomes!
Eric: Those vicious, vicious gnomes! Taking out competitors left and right.
Eric: Triple P sees his chance and pounces on the temporarily disabled package of edible delights.
Paul: One, two…THREE! DAMN! Another elimination!
Eric: They are dropping like flies here tonight, Franzen!
Eric: Surprisingly enough, none of them actually are flies, though.
Paul: Half of our competitors are gone, FANZENS.
Paul: WHO WILL BE THE SOLE SURVIVOR??
Eric: It appears as though LUNK has really worn down his much smaller competitor, and now had the wee rabbit trapped in a vicious four-leaf clover!
Paul: But Scooter still has his trusty mallet, and, with a solid WHACK, he nails Lunk and sends a chunk of his rocky face flying!
Paul: The chunk is rolling down the green…and YES, ladies and gentlemen! It’s in the hole! HOLE IN ONE for Scooter!
Eric: Scooter, taking full advantage of the MAXTREEM rules being used tonight.
Paul: But Lunk still has the vicious hold applied, and Scooter, seeing no alternative, HAS to tap out!!
Eric: BY GAWD! I thought you had balls, wee bunny rabbit. I suppose I was wrong.
Paul: And as Lunk releases the hold to let Scooter leave, Sir Waddlelot bursts onto the scene with a dropkick to the chest of Lunk!
Paul: Lunk falls backward into the sand trap, and Waddle goes for the cover! One, two, and NO! Lunk kicks out!
Paul: I believe that would be our first kickout of the evening, Eric.
Eric: That is one pile or rocks who refused to just lie there!
Paul: Lunk grabs Waddle by his robopenguin legs and hurls him in a seemingly random direction!
Eric: Seemingly…but is it!? LOOK AT WHERE HE LANDED.
Paul: OUCH! He went flying HEADFIRST into a plaster hippo!
Eric: That poor hippo will never be the same.
Paul: He crumples to the ground, and the opportunistic Pepe Pappy Papoo goes for the pinfall! AND WADDLES IS GONE.
Paul: We are down to the FINAL TWO, Eric!
Paul: Pepe Pappy Papoo and Lunk.
Eric: BY GAWD! That TRIPLE P is just a ball of energy, isn’t he?
Eric: He wins my vote for MVP.
Paul: I think I deserve that award, Eric.
Eric: Uhhh, you keep thinking that, Big P.
Eric: So, locked in a mortal stare down of DEATH are our two FINAL combatants.
Eric: The small blobs. vs. the large rock!
Eric: Not the finals you envisioned, is it Mr. Franzen?
Paul: These two TITANS will decide, once and for all, who the TRUE KING of RIBBIT KING is.
Eric: A BIG right hand by the rocky one.
Eric: But the swift Pepe easily dodges the slow plodding punch.
Paul: And follows it up with a quick left uppercut to Lunk!
Paul: Lunk is unphased, though, and goes for a roundhouse kick…
Paul: Which Pepe again DUCKS!
Eric: He goes to grapple up with the wily Pepe, but Pepe slips out and takes out the large rock’s legs.
Eric: He’s down!
Paul: But he falls on TOP of Pepe Pappy Papoo, and that constitutes a cover!
Paul: ONE…TWO…NO!!! Pepe Pappy Papoo kicks out!
Paul: Or slimes out, really, as he squirms away and makes a run for it.
Eric: But he is really worse for the wear, isn’t he Paul.
Eric: His entire game plan of sneaking about and eluding the attacks of others came to a CRASHING halt right there.
Paul: I wouldn’t be so sure, Eric! Lunk is still a bit dazed, and he’s gonna have a bit of trouble catching Pepe Pappy Papoo from his current location….
Paul: …inside a miniature BARN on the fourth hole! Lunk won’t ever be able to fit inside!
Eric: Lunk comes to his senses…almost…. He looks almost…berserk! He is rampaging across this fragile little park–
Eric: –breaking all the hippos and gnomes in his sight!
Paul: BY GAWD, HE JUST SMASHED THE LOOP-DE-LOOP TO PIECES.
Paul: What a fiend.
Eric: He must be stopped!
Eric: Heroic Pepe! SAVE THE DAY.
Paul: Pepe Pappy Papoo sticks his head out of the barn to see who’s causing all the ruckus…AND LUNK SPOTS HIM.
Eric: Or you know… something.
Paul: HE CRASHES RIGHT THROUGH THE BARN, PICKS UP PEPE, AND PRESS SLAMS HIM THROUGH THE NEAREST MINIGOLF OBSTACLE, WHICH IS A T-REX.
Paul: And there’s the cover!
Eric: No hope for poor Triple P.
Eric: No hope at all….
Eric: BUT WAIT! What’s that music I am hearing…?
Eric: Is that… IS THAT THE ALIEN WE SO EVILLY LEFT OUT OF THIS MATCH?!? What’s he doing here!!?
Paul: I HAVE NO IDEA, ERIC!
Paul: But he just took out referee Marty Jannetty with a putter!
Eric: It looks like he has some kind of vendetta against this large rock formation.
Eric: He goes to work with that trusty putter.. right up side the head of the preoccupied Lunk.
Paul: Marty’s already stirring, and the alien—who is, I believe, called Kosmo—grabs Pepe Pappy Papoo and puts him on top of Lunk for the cover!
Paul: THR–OH MY GAWD!
Paul: SHE WOKE UP!
Eric: FINISH IT PEPE.
Paul: PRINCESS TIPPI!
Eric: She’s gone! OUT! KAPUT!
Paul: SHE GRABS PEPE AND TOSSES HIM OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE MARTY CAN SLAP HIS HAND DOWN FOR THAT THIRD TIME!!
Eric: Pepe had this match won FAIR and SQUARE!
Paul: So did Lunk just a few moments ago!
Eric: I choose to forget that fact, Franzen.
Eric: Lunk has awakened, and he is none to pleased.
Paul: Kosmo takes aim with his ray gun, and Lunk is out again!
Paul: Pepe Pappy Papoo tries to go for the cover, but TIPPI tosses him out of the way again!
Eric: Just when you thought it was over! DCW: finishes done right.
Paul: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I believe we have a stalemate!
Eric: Kosmo now sets his sights on the rogue princess, lunging at her, the two struggle, it’s a back-and-forth battle!
Eric: However, this seems to leave Pepe and Lunk alone yet again.
Eric: CAN THEY FINISH??
Paul: They both look a little out of it to me, Eric!
Paul: They might not have enough in them to finish this one out!
Paul: BUT WAIT
Paul: Pepe Pappy Papoo IS STIRRING!
Paul: He’s up, and he’s…TRYING TO RUN AWAY AGAIN!
Eric: But wait! Out of nowhere A HUGE HEAVY LEFT HAND by Lunk!!
Eric: Pepe is out COLD.
Eric: It’s OVER. No coming back from that one.
Paul: Are you sure, Eric?
Paul: I think he might’ve just glanced him with this blow.
Eric: Please let me be sure.
Paul: In fact…. LOOK, THERE HE GOES AGAIN!
Eric: Pretty please.
Paul: Pepe Pappy Papoo IS OFF!!!
Eric: He is a regular Energizer Bunny out there.
Paul: But Lunk grabs him by the HEAD and PILEDRIVES him into a water hazzard!!
Paul: And then he STOMPS HIS SKULL SEVERAL TIMES.
Eric: However, this blob is feeling none of that! In fact, he uses the stomps on his skull to move into a superior position!! Look, he has snuck on to Lunk’s back.
Eric: He is locking in a choke!!
Eric: BY GAWD THE EXCITEMENT.
Paul: But the Lunker gets up to his feet and delivers a SAMOAN DROP to Pepe Pappy Papoo through the 18th hole! You know, that weird one that’s kinda like a pinball machine at the end that you get a free game in if you can get the ball in the hole!
Paul: THAT ONE.
Eric: OH HELLZ YEAH! See that! He WON the free game!! ‘GRATS BIG GUY!
Paul: So he did! Look, he’s even got a little free-game ticket coming out of the machine.
Eric: Triple P seems pretty lifeless at this moment.
Paul: Lunk, distractedly, stoops over to pick up his ticket…
Eric: Even a slimey blob can only take so much punishment.
Paul: …AND TRIPLE P ROLLS HIM UP FOR THE PIN!
Eric: BY GAWD! The old playing possum trick!
Eric: That Triple P really knows how to play the game!
Paul: Pepe Pappy Papoo has just pulled the UPSET OF THE CENTURY!
Paul: THIS MATCH IS OVER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
Eric: A truly magical evening here at the PUT PUT.
Paul: Wow, my gamefans! Words cannot EXPRESS the AWESOME that you have experienced this evening!
Paul: You have just witnessed what could be the match of the century.
Paul: But that’s what we’ve all come to expect from DCW, isn’t it?
Eric: A true epic! Your children will be begging to hear stories of this historic night.
Eric: True—by any other standards, this would be a first-ballot hall-of-fame effort.
Eric: But here at DCW, we just call it another month in the books!
Paul: Well, that’s about all we’ve got for you this month—BUT BY GAWD, IT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
Paul: For the Captain, I’m Paul Franzen…GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY.